Thursday, September 29, 2005

I'm gonna shoot through, and leave you

It's SAT time again, kids! Today, we'll be doing some critical thinking problems.

First up, (with a h/t to Michelle Malkin): What happens when you have to define basic terms like, oh, say "marriage," for instance into law? Eventually, someone can come along and legislate a new definition. The same thing goes for Civil Unions, which are essentially "non-marriage" marriages.
Once the legal definitions get edited, you open them up to potentially being anything anyone can possibly think of. Therefore, the argument against homosexual marriage (or civil unions) essentially goes like this: At some point down the road, some fruitbaskets will demand the same "rights" for themselves that were given to homosexuals. If we can change the definition of civil unions (or marriage) to be X, then why not another slight change to include me too? Over time, marriage (or civil unions) go from being 1 man & 1 woman to:
  • 2 men or 2 women
  • 3 or more partners
  • adults and children
  • a person and an animal
  • 18 fire hydrants
  • this guy
  • (insert your own here)

Granted, this is a gradual subtle change that happens over time, and we won't be seeing people and their Volvos registering at Macy's tomorrow... but eventually, it can happen. With that in mind -
The Netherlands took one big step towards "eventually."


In other ridiculous news, (also from Michelle,) I have a question I want to float out into the æther...
Can anyone explain why we would hold hearings on the response to hurricane Katrina, but then fail to ask any questions about the response to hurricane Katrina?
Gov. Blank-hole is one of the primary reasons that the situation in Louisiana, specifically New Orleans, was a disaster. She refused to allow relief agencies to help, she refused to allow federal agencies the leeway they needed to operate efficiently, and when it blew up in her face, she blamed someone else. So what, naturally, should be the result of this colossal display of incompetence? Indictment, or at the least impeachment. Being handed hundreds of billions of dollars to spend as she and her corrupt cronies please.
Huzzah for Congress - you're stupid!

I like Denis Hastert's idea: Bulldoze the whole damn town. Why rebuild the city seven feet below sea level? It's asking to have this happen again - and sooner than we think, now that we're entering the more destructive half of the hurricane cycle.


Die-hard fans of stupid news will also like these groundbreaking stories (courtesy of WSJ's Best of the Web):
Compulsive Shopping Carries a Heavy Price. (No shit... really?)
and from 7th grade science class: Arctic Ice Melts Faster As It Gets Warmer (thanks, Mr. Wizard!)


And once again with the creepy leopard guy.

Monday, September 26, 2005

All the other Slim Shadys are just imitating

Cincinnati has experienced a recent crime wave. No, I'm not referring to another entry in the ever-present saga of police shooting african-americans, I'm referring to the theft of the Cincinnati Bengals.

It's the only explanation I can offer for why the perpetual cellar-dwelling Bungles are now 3-0. Someone stole the shitty version of the team, and left us Bungles 2.0 in their stead. I'm so shocked, I may just break out with a little Ickey Shuffle. Or at least break out some microwave pot roast in honor of Ickey's second career.

Yesterday, the Bungles defense made Chicago into their bitches, intercepting five passes off of QB Kyle Orton. Even more amazing, is that this is the second game in a row they've hauled in 5 picks - a feat not seen in 34 years.
At least the Bungles2.0 kept up the team tradition of ending the game in the first quarter. Their first quarter tally of 10 points was enough to top da Bears, who only managed 7 in the entire game. You'll no doubt recall in the old days the game also ended in the first quarter... when the opposing team stepped onto the field. Ha! I'm the Boomer Esiason of funny!


In totally unrelated news, yet still funny, the front page of the USA Toady has the quote of the day.

In a nation with a rich history of earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, hurricanes, blizzards, volcanoes and terrorist attacks, there are more potential disasters than can be planned or prepared for.

“You don't have the resources to childproof the entire country,” Friedman said.

That's George Friedman, the Chairman of Stratfor, bitch-slapping all the whiny lefties just looking for any reason to complain about storm hassles. I'll wager he didn't have to ride in a car seat until age 10...

Previous Gridiron Griping:
A Letter To My Homeskizzles In Big D

No, you can't go back to Constantinople

Bless you, sweet fourth-grader who stumbled across my little blog. Without you, I never would have known that I am presently judged by MSN to be the absolute best site on the internet for "pitchers of dodge turks."

You've warmed my dark, icy heart this evening. Courtesy dictates that I should give you a gift of equal worth in return, but will likely never again see your shadow upon my electronic door. If however, you should grace us with your presence in the future, I reccomend unto you They're most helpful with spelling, and what-have-you.

Previous search string inanity:
Boobies for the Frog Brothers
Phlegm Redux
The Mystery of Soul Bitches

Update: Not actually an update, per se, but merely pointing out that some people have far more disturbing searches than me. Damn you, fourth-graders. Get your older brothers out here and start dreaming up the sickest shit imaginable!

Sunday, September 25, 2005

When it gets dark I tow your heart away

Today I am completely incensed at the government's lack of response to the hurricanes. It's true that I've been in their corner so far, but this was the absolute last straw!

Rita hit the coast and all heck broke loose. There was massive devastation all over town, the ultimate distress and human suffering. I was outside for nine hours, and I saw tree limbs - IN. THE. ROAD! There are puddles of standing water in the poor section of town, and it's unconscionable. We need troops, man. We need, like, 5 buses! And some Heinekens! And
If we can't get those busses, there's going to be panic in the streets! It'll be mayhem and disaster. People will have to eat corpses to survive... well, at least the people that don't have police escorts to loot the Piggly-Wiggly.

I also have it on good authority that the Bush Administration sent agents into that part of town with a garden hose to drench that neighborhood with even more water! It's obviously because George Bush doesn't care about black people, and wants them all to die... or have damp socks, which could lead to athlete's foot!
Oh no, that's not all either. When the Red Cross tried to deliver galoshes and aquasox to these poor people, Homeland Security stopped them from doing it. Even the evil tyrants from Wal-Mart tried to send help, but they too were turned away. That's right! George Bush personally flew down here and stood next to my house in the middle of my street and stopped the delivery trucks in their tracks.

I know what you're saying, "How could this be? Could tragedy really sneak up on us so quickly in the America we grew up in?" Yes, friends. Yes it can. But the real tragedy is that this has been a long time coming. This tragedy has been building for days now.
Earlier today, I spoke with another affected resident, and he told me what will likely turn out to be one of literally dozens of tragic tales of loss and humidity. According to Mr. Aaron, his mother was trapped on her porch because of the scattered showers, and every day she called him and said "Are you coming son? Is somebody coming?" And he told her "Yeah, Mom, somebody's coming to get you." Somebody's coming to get you on Wednesday. Somebody's coming to get you on Thursday. Somebody's coming to get you on Friday." And she finally had to walk out to her car alone on Friday night. She walked out alone on Friday night, and got raindrops on her coat! It was suede, dammit! SUEDE!

Shocking, yes. It's clear that the new FEMA director is just as bad as the old one. They just want black folks to get wet, while all the white folks stay nice and dry under the umbrellas they got by oppressing you and me. I call for a national boycott of FEMA until such time as Acting Director Paulison partners with the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition to solve this systemic racist problem. I call on him to act immediately by sending 15... 20... no, 50 million dollars to Rainbow/PUSH (or my personal bank account, if that's more convenient) in small unmarked bills, so that we can quickly get back on the road to recovery.

God bless you all... except the people in Hymietown,
Jesse Jackson

Update: Jesse reminds us that Karl Rove wants every black person in the world dead... and also how the Jessenator is homies with the late JC.
Thanks Jesse!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Smiling in the bright lights, coming through in stereo

Now this is just stupid. (with thanks to Dhimmi Watch.)

JERUSALEM (AFP) - The new US ambassador to Tel Aviv has admitted that he knows little about Israel.
"I am not familiar with Israel, but I plan to study the country as soon as possible," Richard Jones was quoted as saying by the Yediot Aharonot newspaper on his arrival in the country on Sunday.

I can understand this attitude if the mission is a political patronage job to a vacation spot like Tahiti or St. Kitts... but Israel?? Israel is the big leagues of international relations, and not somewhere you go to get on-the-job training. You don't walk up to the Israeli Prime Minister and say "Hey guys, how the hell are you? So... what's your deal, anyway?"

How can anyone in the State Department know "little about Israel," much less admit it to the media? This guy needs a memo from Condi about when to shut the fuck up, already.

That's not even getting into the whole can of worms about Mr. Jones being the former ambassador to Kuwait, and speaking fluent Arabic. It's just a teensy bit insulting, and America should be treating its allies better than this.

Update: (9/23) Ambassador Knowlittle was mentioned in today's Washington Times editorial about questionable Bush Administration nominees. (scroll down to the bottom) They're not using kid gloves on any of these guys, and I'm surprised there haven't been more voices agreeing.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

And times when you’re all alone all you do is think

Dear Coach Parcells,

Look, I'm going to cut right to the chase here, and save us both the trouble of pretending that we're pals or anything, OK? Great, here we go.
Here's the deal - when there's less than 2 minutes in the game and you've got 4th down and 4 to go, it's time to start thinking about kicking a field goal. Now I know our kicker, Jose WhoeverTheHellItIsThisYear, only has a career long of 52 yards, but that's what you and Coach Emeritus Jones have reaped by kicking on the cheap for over a decade now. That shit could work when you had a lot of star talent to get you into the end zone on a regular basis... but not anymore, homes. Drew McOldold (prophetically wearing Danny White's number, no less) and Keyshawn "Gimme the damn paycheck" Johnson aren't going to get the job done.

Next year, let's seriously think about drafting some real talent, and not just renting an old guy that didn't make the cut somewhere else, shall we?
Still, these are definitely reincarnation of the Cowboys from my youth - never passing up an opportunity to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. So congratulations for that, Coach. You've earned it.

Your Buddy,


Dear John Madden, the person to whom I'm addressing this letter. The letter that I'm writing right now. To John Madden, that is.

I have seriously underestimated you, sir. With 4 professional broadcasters (well, 3 and Mike Irvin) in the booth, you still managed to fight them off long enough to spew your verbal diarrhea... and you didn't even sound like you were struggling. Kudos to you! I had no idea you could get sufficient air to breathe if your bloated quivering jowls were shoved down your throat... I guess I lost that bet, huh?

When you write "Sincerely," then that's when you know you're ending, that's when you know you're ending the letter.
Stew. (The person who wrote this letter. On a computer.)

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Every step I take I'm further down the line

OK, I need to take a breath here before I completely derail the blog and become 100% political. What started out as poking fun at dumbassed Red Cross political correctness got heavily political rather quickly. While I'm not backing off that particular post, I am backing off politics for a while before I just chuck it all and join the pajamahadeen full-time.

I've already taken measures to force a 2 posts-per-day limit upon myself, but I still get caught up in the events of the day. I guess I'm just not looking hard enough for dumbasses outside the political arena, and for that, I should apologize to my readers... both of you.

So with that in mind, I hereby promise that my next post with be about one of the following:
  • Stupid Athletes. (With the NFL back in business, this shouldn't be too hard)
  • Stupid Celebrities (a perennial favorite)
  • Garden-variety wierd shit
  • Stuckey's (as if I could not post about Stuckey's!)
Now, I can't just go out and make someone blow up a whale, or commit lava-lamp suicide, or anything... but If stupid news breaks, I'll be all over it like collagen on Joan Rivers.

You've got my word on it.

It was summer, now it's autumn

I came across this ridiculous waste of time while doing half-assed research on my Flight 93 post. I initially laughed it off as just more international left PC labeling... but there's more going on here than just a little man behind the curtain. And it's not trying to cozy up to the whole-earth crystal power veganhadeen crowd, I'm afraid.
The red cross and red crescent emblems are used in different countries: to protect medical personnel, buildings and equipment in time of armed conflict and to identify national Red Cross and Red Crescent organizations, the International Committee of the Red Cross and the International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies.

Over 190 countries use one or the other of these emblems but some find it difficult to use either because they are seen as having religious connotations. They would like to use other emblems, for example the red shield of David in Israel or both the red crescent and red cross together in some countries. This is not currently possible under the terms of the Geneva Conventions and the statutes of the International Red Cross and Red Crescent Movement.

Yes, I understand the ICRC is trying to allow an emblem that's "religion neutral" for any member societies (read: Israel) that don't want to use the cross or crescent.
That argument might fly except that the Red Cross already caved to the Ottoman Empire and Iran (among other islamic nations) to allow "muslim-y" symbols that can be used in lieu of the cross. Iran doesn't even use their Red Lion & Sun anymore, because it echoes the Shah's flag, rather than the current terrorist-in-chief. So why not allow Israel's Magen David Adom (Red Star of David) as well?
The islamic crescent is just as religious a symbol as Israel's star, and their reasons for using it are equally based in religion. Claiming one symbol is religion-neutral but not the other is asinine.

Another argument for excluding the Red Star as an "official" protective symbol is that the Geneva Convention specifically lists the symbols that the ICRC can use for protection, and that adding another would require approval from the signatories. This is, of course, Capital-B Bollocks. If the convention can be amended to add the red crystal/square/lozenge then why not just eliminate the middleman and add the star?
Naturally, islamic nations won't approve anything that comes close to admitting that Jews have a right to exist. These are the same upstanding representatives from the religion of peace that have no compunctions against shooting at ambulances, (regardless of their red cross / star markings) or using UN vans to smuggle weapons and stage terror attacks.

The Statutes of the Red Cross charter specifically state that member organizations must remain neutral and assist all persons in need, "making no discrimination as to nationality, race, religious beliefs, class or political opinions. It endeavors to relieve the suffering of individuals, being guided solely by their needs, and to give priority to the most urgent cases of distress." (emphasis mine) Why, then, is it no big deal for certain Red Crescent organizations to be little more than fronts for terror groups? Could it be because they're ever-so-slightly not "the Jews?"

What ever happened to the good 'ol Worldwide Zionist Conspiray that controlled the media, governement, and everything that I grew up with? Come on guys, get in the game here. If you can't even get your logo approved ahead of the crystal healing crowd, how are you ever going to secretly control the world?

NB: Edited to add quotes. Damn the Worldide Zionist Conspiracy for making me forget to put them in the first go-round!

Friday, September 16, 2005

Give me your answer, fill in a form

Well there you have it, folks. Scotland of the Soul: vol. 1.

For my blog-o-versary (thanks Rachy) I picked up the Hitchhiker's Guide DVD. It's just as good as it always was, of course. Personally, I could spend hours singing along with the "Thanks For All The Fish" intro... and I just might do that right now.

Or I could just get started on volume 2. Decisions, decisions.

Previous Milestones to the Grave:
It's Very Pwominent in Wome
You Think It's What You're Looking For... But It's Not
Sunday Phone Levon, Tray's Bein' On Some
Requisite Introductory Post

Update: ( 9/17 ) Sometime yesterday, I also recorded my 1000th unique hit. It's not quite as noteworthy when you consider that easily 25% of that is me updating and editing posts... but still, if people believe the year 2000 was "the millenium" then maybe I can sucker them into thinking 1000 hits is something impressive.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

I've got to put the phone down and do what we got to do

Apparently Paul Murdoch has hit a teensy bit of a nerve with a few of you pajama-clad blog junkies out there. The Washington Times reports that the proposed memorial for the hijackers passengers of Flight 93 will be altered.

Designer Paul Murdoch said he is "somewhat optimistic" that the spirit of the design could be maintained.

"It's a disappointment there is a misinterpretation and a simplistic distortion of this, but if that is a public concern, than that is something we will look to resolve in a way that keeps the essential qualities," Mr. Murdoch, 48, told the Associated Press.

"We'll probably add a few new elements to the memorial to eliminate any ambiguity. Off the top of my head, I'm thinking a star to symbolize how they flew in the sky and touched the face of heaven before crashing to earth. Maybe a sword or two to represent the fury with which the passengers fought. Perhaps a veil or cloak to remind us how this tragedy covered the other events of the day. I like Ace's proposal too, we might consult with him."

Also in the article is some world-class dhimmitude from someone who ought to know better: a relative of two passengers on the plane.

"This is an unfortunate distraction from the mission of the memorial," said Hamilton Peterson, who lost his father and stepmother on the flight and is president of the District-based Families of Flight 93.
"We've vetted this design and thought it through. In reality, the red crescent is a symbol of a benevolent humanitarian mission founded in World War I. Now, wackos with idle time and energy are trying to divert our goal," Mr. Peterson said.

A-hem. I guess I'm just a wacko trying to divert your goal here, but with 30 seconds of my idle time, I googled up some islamic symbols and discovered that the use of the crescent dates back to Roman times as the symbol of the city of Byzantium (or Constantinople or Istanbul if you prefer) When the Turks, led by Mohammed II, invaded the city in 1453, they co-opted the city's symbol for themselves and islam at large.
What Captain Asshat refers to evolving out of World War I, is the International Red Cross / Crescent Society, which was formed from an alliance of National Red Cross/Crescent organizations in 1919. The Red Crescent variation came from the Ottoman Empire's red crescent society founded in 1876.
But I digress.

I'll forego an apology for distracting from your mission, Mr. Hamilton, because I think your mission is 180 degrees out of focus. Paul Murdoch's design completely mischaracterizes the events of Flight 93, and its place within the larger September 11th attacks. It calls for "healing the land and emotional healing of the visitors," while neglecting to mention anything about the monumental sacrifice the passengers and crew made. Because essentially, that's what the flight was about. Not disparate groups of people all coming together around a campfire to sing kum-bai-ya until the S'mores are ready - but an attack. The brutal tooth-and-nail fighting of people desparately trying to stop fanatical terrorists.

The rebellion of Flight 93 was the turning point of September 11. In that moment, ordinary Americans first went from watching events unfold in stunned silence to active participants. As one, they rose up against their captors and fought them. They refused to sit idly by and let tyrrany win the day. The passengers and crew of Flight 93 sent a clarion call to the rest of the country and the rest of the world:

Fight Back. Don't give in. Never Surrender.

That should be the message their memorial conveys, not this cowardly equivocation wrapped up in feel-good platitudes and stamped with islam's seal of approval.

Todd Beamer said it best that day, when gathering the group of passengers that would lead the charge into the cockpit. "Are you ready guys? Let's roll." Not "Let's roll over."

Previous September 11 posts:
Hijacking the Memorial

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Marco Polo, don't you know that's how the game goes

I keep thinking I've written my last Katrina post for a while, until this whole debacle gets rehashed in hearings a few months from now... and then I hear about even more astonishingly stupid things occuring.

First off, with a hat tip to Michelle Malkin, is the Congressman who recieved special clearance to get past barricades preventing people from entering New Orleans, and then used National Guard troops to take a tour of his district within the city. While viewing the damage, he diverted them to his own house, then had them cool their heels on his yard while he retrieved personal items from his home including "a laptop, three suitcases, and a box the size of a small refrigerator." While waiting around for Congressman to emerge from his house, the National Guard truck became stuck in the mud, and another truck had to be called off of rescue duty to come pull it out... but not before a Coast Guard helicopter dropped by for 45 minutes trying to convinve the Congressman Jefferson to hop a flight out of there.
But wait for the kicker... Congressman Jefferson is apparently under investigation by the FBI. They even raided his house last month. And his home in D.C. And his car. And his accountant's office. I wonder what they could have possibly been looking for, and why the Congressman was so dead set against flying out of the traffic jam on his lawn?

While Congressman Jefferson's self-serving entitlement attitude is bad enough, he only had the chance to get a handful of people killed by wasting rescuers' time. Mayor Ray "Schoolbus Water Polo" Nagin on the other hand... his body count rises daily.
But wait! Was it really Mayor Nagin's responsibility? Stone Phillips asked him just that. (thanks to Right Wing News)

Appearing on NBC's "Dateline," Nagin was asked by host Stone Phillips: "What was mobilized? I mean were national guard troops in position. Were helicopters standing by? Were buses ready to take people away?"

"No. None of that," the Big Easy mayor replied.

"Why is that?" an incredulous Phillips asked.

Nagin replied: "I dont know. That is question for somebody else."
The Louisiana Democrat didn't explain just who the "somebody else" was, saying only: "All I can do is [say] that I was dealing with it as a mayor -- how do I prepare my city for an incredibly powerful storm? So immediately we tried to get as many people out as possible."

"Well, I mean, somebody else should have tried to get those people out. Possibly the 'real killers' or Tyler Durden or someone, you know?"

So it's not just simple incompetence anymore is it, Mayor Nagin? We're on to gross negligence or deriliction of duty now.

Previous Dodge City South posts:
Don't You Know Who WE Am?
Cover Your Blank-Hole
The Mayor Ray Nagin Memorial Motor Pool
Mary Landrieu's Punch-Out
Storm of Stupidity

Monday, September 12, 2005

I walk on water and I don't get wet

Today I know how the professional vultures working for tabloids feel. The latest iteration of Sean Penn's New Orleans odyssey hit the web-o-trons and it brought a feeling of joy welling up from my inner being. It's exactly what I've been waiting for - the moment when the story goes from being about "the people" to being about Sean Penn.
Given Sean's history of grandstanding and ill-informed escapades to global trouble spots, whatever paper-thin veneer he had to mask his motivation is ripped away today. So what is it, one wonders? What's the reason Sean flew all the way to New Orleans from San Fransisco? What's the reason Sean valiantly bailed water from his sinking rescue craft? What's the reason Sean bravely patrolled the lawless city, shotgun at the ready?

It's because Sean wants us all to know how important his heroics were when he saved all those lives.
"We were pulling drowning people out of the water, it's the ultimate distress and human suffering ... dead bodies," he told GMTV.

"We were out there nine hours. There are people that are dying right now and I mean babies and old people and everybody in between - they're dying."
Of course, the list of the rescued started with Penn himself, and his buddies Rolling Stone reporter Matt Taibbi and Pointy-Headed Asshat Douglas Brinkley. Why Sean feels it necessary to bring along a lefty reporter and a Horseface Kerry apologist to rescue his party buddies I have no idea... unless it's all about getting media coverage. And of course, Sean's made plenty of time for interviews while he's busy personally rescuing people "out of the ultimate distress and human suffering," because he's here to help, right?
What could be more helpful than an interview on TV...

Since he didn't quite get the coverage he was hoping for on the blogs, he had to go to a European TV show to "tell his story." In typical Hollywood arrogance, Penn refers to National Guard and EMT rescue personnel throughout his interview as "we" and "us," to underscore how important he is.
He's also changed his reasons for being in the city in the first place. He told GMTV that he was in the city because
"Yeah, well this is my country... yeah. And like a lot of people, I was watching this stuff for four days, you know. And though we have come to be suspicious of the will of our administration, I don't think anybody would have ever anticipated the criminal negligence of the Bush administration in this situation."
Not, as he earlier claimed, because he had some friends who lived near the 17th Street Canal. Or because "I care about the people, and I care about the city, and I want to help," as reported in the NY Post on Saturday.

So it's evolved from "Hey buds... let's party!" to [bite lip] "I feel your pain" [/bite lip] and finally (?) to "George Bush is a criminal." Way to go Sean, you're a real frickin hero there.

Previous Sean Penn, USN ret. (arded) posts:
I am Yosemite Sam
Charge of the Red Cup Brigade

Previous Dodge City South posts:
Cover Your Blank-Hole
The Mayor Ray Nagin Memorial Motor Pool
Mary Landrieu's Punch-Out
Storm of Stupidity

Sunday, September 11, 2005

This is just a tribute! You gotta believe me!

I so desperately wish that I could simply observe today solemn and stoicly, like Rachel. However, some people are so desperately wanting to turn everything into a political message that nothing at all is sacred anymore.

After all the controversy surrounding the attempt to install an "International Freedom Center" in the World Trade Center memorial that badmouths America's historical shortcomings, you'd think someone would have thought twice about this. Pointy-headed architect Paul Murdoch wants to memorialize those brave people who briefly fought for their freedom above the skies of Pennsylvania before their plane, United Airlines flight 93, crashed... and if there's room, he might say something nice about the passengers too.

You think I'm kidding? Zombietime doesn't. (This link will piss you off, by the way.)

Saturday, September 10, 2005

And her daddy is a shotgun-toting kind of country man

The story surrounding Sean "Rescue Dave" Penn and whatever the hell he thinks he's doing in New Orleans just keeps getting weirder. The self-annointed weapons inspector was photographed wading around town toting a shotgun and carrying his naval-issue flak jacket.


Sean Penn of all people should know that it's not cool to go around just picking up other people's guns. Especially when the city's police chief has ordered that "only law enforcement will be allowed to have weapons," and police have indeed been confiscating legally-owned firearms. Well... law enforcement and certain other "lucky" individuals. I suppose Penn squeaks by on the "wealthy individual" exemption.
Given his history of assaulting photographers though, I'm not sure that's a good decision.

Previous Sean Penn, USN ret. (arded) posts:
Charge of the Red Cup Brigade

Previous Dodge City South posts:
Cover Your Blank-Hole
The Mayor Ray Nagin Memorial Motor Pool
Mary Landrieu's Punch-Out
Storm of Stupidity

Go to church every Sunday and have breakfast at Stuckey's

If there's any of you out there saying to your selves, "Selves, we should totally donate some cash or whatnot to those hurricane victims... but how do we get something for ourselves out of the deal?" then have I got news for you!

Generally, I don't often check the "bulk mail" box on my email account. After the first thousand or so offers of penis pills, mortgages, and hawt singles, I've grown calloused to their siren-like advances. However, today was different. Today I knew I had real mail innocently trapped amongst the lascivious hucksters. After locating my real actual email huddling in the corner, shaking with fear as it hid under a stained blanket, I spotted something that demanded I pay heed and look closely.
What could possibly draw my attention so cleary, you wonder? It was just one small word that did it, really. One word that was a clarion call to my spirit. It sat there in the "From:" field just waiting for the sweet caress of my mouseclick...

That word was "Stuckey's."

Within that email were words too amazing to be true. An enticement so seductive, it couldn't possibly come to fruition... and yet, their wedsight confirms the veracity of its claims. I tell you this in all joyousness, my friends: Stuckey's can help you donate to hurricane relief while simultaneously feeding your pecan log monkey.

So I say unto you all: if your callous little rock of a soul must have a sugary inducement before you would ever consider being marginally decent to your fellow human beings, get ye hence to Stuckey's and feed your fleshy visages!

Friday, September 09, 2005

'Cause it took fifty thousand years just to think through it

More details are coming out about what exactly was going on in Louisiana during the crisis.

Bilges catches Ray Nagin in CYA mode regarding the evacuation order drama. He also points out that the city had been discussing using city buses for evacuation all summer, yet they still let them sit idle. (Of course, that didn't stop Mayor Nagin from going on TV and shouting "I need troops, man. I need 500 buses.")

JYB has a good write-up of the Red Cross's revelation that they had tried to stock the Superdome with supplies before Katrina hit, but were turned away by Gov. Blank-hole.
They also caught her doing a little posterior shielding on the buses too. Why on earth would she bother to issue executive orders allowing the city to use flooded-out buses? Either she was unaware that they were useless, in which case she had no business meddling in rescue/recovery efforts, or she knew they were flooded, in which case she's just covering her ass. Regardless, her conduct is despicable, and I don't doubt there will be plenty of calls for her removal.

Michelle Malkin points to an account of Gov Blank-hole's executive control over the situation. Refugees were lied to, swindled, denied food, and even shot at by Louisiana police.

All for want of a plan... oh wait, they did have a plan. They just didn't implement it.

Previous Dodge City South posts:
The Mayor Ray Nagin Memorial Motor Pool
Mary Landrieu's Punch-Out
Storm of Stupidity

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Hot tamales, we bum-rush the parties.

Now that the JYB's back on its feet, I've gotten a good look at their Katrina coverage and find myself quite impressed. Brian & Chris are keeping tabs on the evolving train-wreck that is the Louisiana State Government, and have called Gov. Blanco (or, as I predict a number of people will be referring to her: Blank-Hole.) on the carpet for her staggering degree of incompetence in managing the crisis. You'll also recall that they publicized the multitudes of buses left to rot by the City of New Orleans, rather than be used to save lives.
The blogroll fairy and I agreed that they needed a shout-out, so we have done just that.

In other news, Jaques Chirac almost has a guest column at Huffington's Toast. He very nearly provides a good deal of perspective on our two nations' relative definitions of "urgency."

Additionally, I had a staggeringly amazing Labor Day weekend that I fully intend to blog about. Obviously, with the news of the day what it is, life got in the way. As soon as I can coax all those electrons swimming about in my camera to produce photographs, you'll hear all about it from me. So like, in April, when nobody gives a damn about my Labor Dabors, I'll unveil their full glory unto the InnerNets.
Ha! I'm so slow to post pictures, so I made a funny! (or did I?)

Previous Dodge City South posts:
Mary Landrieu's Punch-Out
Storm of Stupidity

Previous empty promises of photos:
Grudging Acknowledgement
This Town Needs a Camera
Hammistan U. College of Interior Design

Update: I put up this link in the comments of another post, but it needs a little more publicity. It's a satellite photo of the city, showing where the buses are... and the clear, dry roads leading right to the Superdome. It also shows where there are working buses on dry land that weren't used either -- despite all the publicity about how horrible conditions were.

Heads need to roll over this.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Vows are spoken to be broken

Today, Elf Only Inn goes from "quiet almost a year now" to "quiet an entire year now." While the "final" comic was posted on August 13, Josh chimed in a couple weeks later to let us all know he was still around... unfortunately, we've not heard from him in a year. So dude, if the Intertron just happens to drop this in your lap - give us a shout out, man.
Seriously, I don't at all expect this post to reach Josh Sortelli, but I have had stranger things happen.

If you've got some free time, and you're a dork (honestly though, you wouldn't be here if you weren't) you owe it to yourself to stroll through the archives. Not doing so would hurt and sting.

Falling head over heels at the speed of light

Listen up, you primitive screwheads!

As much as I hate to do it, I'm instituting word verification for comments forthwith. Lord knows I get precious little feedback as it is *sigh* but I was making a few post updates tonight and found my top page besieged with a flurry of blogspam. It's ridiculous for my half-assed little blog to get that much worthless traffic, so the time for drastic measures has come at last.

To anyone that might be put off of commenting because of an otherwise pointless copying exercise, [bite lip] I feel your pain. [/bite lip] I hate that it has to happen too. Perhaps you can comfort yourself with this thought: your actual human voice will be heard much clearer when it's not drowning in thinly-disguised ads for mortgages and penis pills. That way, I'll know without a doubt that you hate my blog, instead of what I currently believe: half the planet loves my writing, but is concerned that I'm a pencil-dicked bum who lives in an alley.

Hmmm... it's entirely possible that I'll come to regret this decision. Still, I'm sticking with it despite any consequences.
Good... Bad... I'm the guy with the blog.

Monday, September 05, 2005

All we are saying is give peace a chance

This just in from MEMRI (by way of Jihad Watch):

Sudan has solved the disaster relief crisis. Honestly, we should have suspected it all along folks, but it wasn't the hurricane that caused all the problems... it was the Jews.
Following are excerpts from a Friday sermon at Al-Shahid Mosque, Khartoum, Sudan, delivered by Sheik Abd Al-Jalil Al-Karouri. The sermon was broadcast on Sudan TV on September 2, 2005.
From this mosque we send a message conveying our best wishes to America. If America wants to maintain what is left of its civilization, it must free itself, as we say in Sudan, from the curse of the Jews. Our Koran says that this (Jewish) nation is accursed - those who have incurred Allah's wrath. The curse of Israel has afflicted America.

All these are signs. If people want their countries to prosper, they must make peace with Allah and avoid disputing Allah and His prophet.

While it doesn't say if he went on to explain how that jives with the tsunami last year, he did solve the refugees hunger problems as well

Sudan has a lot to offer. Even if we have a shortage of grains, we have a lot of meat. We can offer America sheep, so that it can choose sheep that don't have Mad Cow's Disease. They like that kind of food.
Huzzah! Sheep! What a kind and tolerant face on the religion of peace Shiek Al-Karouri is. I don't believe, however, that I'll be siding with the sheep on the "Jews or Sheep" question, thanks.

Previous dispatches from the Religion of Peace:
Nicky & Vinny's Gulag
The Semtex Coffeeklatch
Blogs are "The Mediocre Satan"
How Harry Potter Wipes His Ass
Moderate Schmoderate
Saruman the Dead
Ding Dong the Bitch is Dead

The streets all conspire and the lamppost can't stop crying

Oh. My. Gawd. Becky.

Bringing the "Big Dumb Sheep" files roaring back onto the front page today is professional Ass-Clown Sean Penn and his... er... "rescue" effort.
EFFORTS by Hollywood actor Sean Penn to aid New Orleans victims stranded by Hurricane Katrina foundered badly overnight, when the boat he was piloting to launch a rescue attempt sprang a leak.

Penn had planned to rescue children waylaid by Katrina's flood waters, but apparently forgot to plug a hole in the bottom of the vessel, which began taking water within seconds of its launch.
Sweet, sweet irony. It's called the drain plug for a reason, Sean.

Little Green Footballs has a photo of him valiantly bailing out the boat with a little plastic cup. You have to see it to believe it. It also explains the people taunting him as reported at the bottom of the article.
It turns out that Sean Penn's rescue craft is a small bass boat that he's already loaded with people -- including his personal photographer.
With the boat loaded with members of Penn's entourage, including a personal photographer, one bystander taunted the actor: "How are you going to get any people in that thing?"
He'd be lucky to fit 2 extra passengers in that dinky boat before it capsizes. It's obvious he's just capitalizing on the tragedy to get in some good media whoring. How much more self-serving can someone get?

Previous Big Dumb Sheep entries:

This Rose Smells Like Shit
Jihad Jane's Burqua Bus
Hats Off For Bono
God Hates Hippies - A Visual Aid
God Hates Hippies
But Was He A Goonie?
I'm Stewed Hamm, and I Approved This Post
Vote Early and Vote Often

Junk Yard Blog reports that when his own rescue operation didn't float, Penn begged rescue crews to stop what they were doing and go pick up his friends. I wonder how many times he had to ask "Do you know who I am?!?" before they did it.
What an arrogant prick.

You've been pissed off for a week now

As the societal degeneration continues, the hits - as Dr. Vitamins & Exercise famously said - just keep on coming.

The latest intelligent discourse to come out of the "What the hell took so long!" discussion regarding New Orleans is this asshatted threat from Louisana Senator Mary Landrieu to "literally punch anyone, including the President who questions the local response to the tragedy."

Oh ree-he-ally?

Well Mary, you're going to have to get your whiny ass on a bus and come on up to Hammistan, because the line for the Nation's Punched starts with me. To you, Mary Landrieu, I say: "Bring it, bitch."
Because I think New Orleans's response to the tragedy isn't just questionable, it absolutely SUCKS.

To start with, the lawlessness the has been widely reported in the media (here here and here, for example) is a direct result of the New Orleans Police Department's refusal to do its job. When the time came for the cops to restore law and order, they ran for the hills. Well, at least the ones that weren't too busy looting.

And the refugees? How many of them could have been evacuated by the couple hundred or so school buses in the city? Ten thousand, easy. So why didn't it happen, one wonders...
Because at least 210 of the district's school buses are underwater. Instead of taking charge of the situation and getting something done, local officials sat on their thumbs like a bunch of waterlogged Neros and let the buses drown. Additionally, the City's transit Authority has at least 364 buses... where were they? Shuttling people to the Superdome and abandoning them.
This one doesn't surprise me though. The school system in New Orleans doesn't even know how many employees it has... I sooner expect to see people raptured out of the Superdome than bussed out by the city.

The criticism doesn't end there though, Mary. While all this was happening, what were you doing about it? Bitching when the President isn't at your beck and call. Demading cabinet-level reorganizations to side-step FEMA, and whining when it wasn't done within 24 hours. Not to mention criticizing the President for taking a tour of the devastated areas, when you were only too happy to hop a flight yourself.
For that matter, why are we only hearing horror stories about Louisiana, specifically New Orleans? Katrina traveled up the length of Mississippi, yet they managed to get plenty of food and water. Alabama was hit hard as well, but they're doing all right too. Could it possibly be that Mississippi and Alabama don't have incompetent buffoons in power like New Orleans does?

So yeah, come on over and try to kick my ass if you're up to it Sen. Landrieu. It won't help anything, of course, and it certianly won't change the fact that local officials simply let the majority of this human suffering happen before their eyes.

Previous Dodge City South posting:
Storm of Stupidity

Update: I'm aware that the first bus link doesn't work. It's up and running again, with more hell-bent fury than ever. Bryan Preston's Junkyard Blog has been inundated with traffic and exceeded its alloted bandwidth. He's currently guest-blogging at Michelle Malkin until he gets it all sorted out.
The link to Bill Hobbs (364 buses) has one of the more incensing photos at the top of the post.

Update II: Even more help that was flatly refused by the State of Louisiana. You guys don't get to have it both ways... except in the media.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Take no prisoners, take no shit

In the wake of Katrina, it's easy to focus on all the reports coming out of the afflicted areas - both good and bad. Still, life goes on.

In the War on Terror, a couple more terrorist financiers will be cooling their heels in prison for the bulk of their natural lives. (thanks to Command Post) I absolutely love the defense these guys put up. "I never ever ever helped terrorists, swear to God... but as long as you've got me on tape, may I remind you that it's not illegal to do it in Yemen."
Nice try there, mullah shitheel. That argument doesn't fly in Germany, where you were arrested, and it sure as hell doesn't fly in Brooklyn. You're lucky they didn't just drop you off in Bedford-Sty and let all the locals know that Mohammed from the Block said he could whip America's ass. You'd have two or three dozen guys with baseball bats and tire irons ready to rumble before you could bat an eye.

After the court is reimbursed and what-have-you, it'll feel good to see that $2 million in fines get used to fight terrorism and stick it to these guys even further.

Previous "I was for blowing up the bus before I was against blowing up the bus" arguments:
The Semtex Coffeeklatch
Blogs are "The Mediocre Satan"
How Harry Potter Wipes His Ass
Moderate Schmoderate
Saruman the Dead
Ding Dong the Bitch is Dead

Friday, September 02, 2005

Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane!

Flippant title notwithstanding, there's a seriously unnerving situation going on amongst the hurricane survivors in the Crescent City. Deliberate or not, the picture I get from the media is that some parts of the city are literally tearing themselves apart. Hell, some fucksticks are actually shooting at rescue helos.

Some people outside the disaster areas are also coming unhinged as well... like this self-righteous asshole so wrapped up in his haterd for conservatives that he won't contribute to relief efforts.

There's some good news out there too, of course. My favorite are the tales of several responsible citizens proving the necessity of the second amendment, and shredding gun-control arguments into navel-gazing nonsense. Isn't it amazing how crime rates plummet when looters have shotguns pointed at them...

If you'd like to contribute (not to assume that you already haven't, of course) the Katrina Relief Blog has literally dozens of potential avenues for your time or money.

Update: Count Kanye West in with the self-righteous assholes. If you live on the west coast, (or Rocky Mountains) then you'll have missed his "black people are victims" whining during what was supposed to be a benefit concert. How arrogant do you have to be to complain that nobody is helping people during an event specifically designed to help people?
Apparently, you just have to be Kanye West. Mr. West would do well to keep in mind that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

By the by, the photo captioning controversy he mentioned, showing white people described as "finding" food and dark-skinned people described as "looters" is covered on Snopes. If there's anything to blame, it's that tiny detail called "libel."

Update II: Dan Riehl of Riehl World View has the video here.

Jesus, Mike Myers looks like he's about to slap some sense into Kanye West at a couple of points. Even though NBC had the F-Bomb patrol watching over the seven second delay, I'm surprised they let it go on as long as they did. Maybe it was because West's delivery sounds like he's reading everything off a cue card... by the time he blurts out "George Bush hates black people" someone finally clued in.
Still, it's good to see that Kanye stuck to form, and even in the midst of showing us all how far he could shove his head up his ass, didn't forget to mention how fucking cool he was.