Go to church every Sunday and have breakfast at Stuckey's

If there's any of you out there saying to your selves, "Selves, we should totally donate some cash or whatnot to those hurricane victims... but how do we get something for ourselves out of the deal?" then have I got news for you!

Generally, I don't often check the "bulk mail" box on my email account. After the first thousand or so offers of penis pills, mortgages, and hawt singles, I've grown calloused to their siren-like advances. However, today was different. Today I knew I had real mail innocently trapped amongst the lascivious hucksters. After locating my real actual email huddling in the corner, shaking with fear as it hid under a stained blanket, I spotted something that demanded I pay heed and look closely.
What could possibly draw my attention so cleary, you wonder? It was just one small word that did it, really. One word that was a clarion call to my spirit. It sat there in the "From:" field just waiting for the sweet caress of my mouseclick...

That word was "Stuckey's."

Within that email were words too amazing to be true. An enticement so seductive, it couldn't possibly come to fruition... and yet, their wedsight confirms the veracity of its claims. I tell you this in all joyousness, my friends: Stuckey's can help you donate to hurricane relief while simultaneously feeding your pecan log monkey.

So I say unto you all: if your callous little rock of a soul must have a sugary inducement before you would ever consider being marginally decent to your fellow human beings, get ye hence to Stuckey's and feed your fleshy visages!