Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Slam the door, and let's tear down the walls

For those not paying attention, pathetic shell of a human Jose Canseco has been all over TV like a cheap suit, promoting his new book "Juiced." In it, he gives a truckload of sordid details about how he abused steroids in his baseball career, and he names dozens of other players who were in on it as well.

Is there anyone left out there who wasn't aware that some pro atheletes cheat? Didn't think so. Now, Mr. Canseco's allegations might be interesting if he wasn't selling them for $26 a pop. In fact, there's an overwhelming sense of public apathy about the "revelations" in this new overpriced paperweight. That's not to say that a select few interest groups aren't concerned about the lasting effects.
During an appearance at a Tacoma, Washington bookstore, Canseco was greeted by a small group of protesters. The leader of the group, local resident Courtney Love, issued this brief statement to the press:
"Mr Canseco's rampant media whoring during promotion of his book is creating a negative public image of actual whores like myself."

Just kidding folks... Courtney Love didn't say that at all. There's no way she knows big words like "rampant" or "negative." Ha! Two birds with one stone, baby.

Seriously, though... they're both total whores.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Wait a minute Mr. Postman

An open letter to Vin Diesel:

Dear Vin (can I call you Vin? ... Well then how about "V-Dawg?")
First off, congratulations on making a fuckton of money in Hollywood, despite playing a hell of a lot of D&D in high school. I'm sure you're a large factor behind the drop in dork suicide rates, so kudos to you. Secondly, thanks for re-making Mr. Nanny. It helps the previously suicidal dorks feel superior to you, and that makes shallow people's lives worth living... I guess.

Seriously though, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, MAN?? Even dog shit won't go near this new craptacular you're in, it stinks so bad. Did you learn nothing from the Hulkster's example? The best you'll do after this is a Knight Rider ripoff where you'll call everyone "brother."

Good luck in B-list mediocrity Vin - I mean V-Dawg. Say hi to The Coreys for me.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

The weather of the winter's on its way

More lateness ensues.

If my snot-addled brain is correct, I think there were about 4 days in the past 3 months that I haven't been a veritable fountain of snot. (as opposed to Wayne) Seriously. 4 days... tops.
Still, it could be worse... last week I honked up a load of nose goblin puree, and it was fucking ORANGE. In just the right light, it looked like Sunkist syrup, though to be fair it was really more of a half-finished jello sort of orange.

Of course, I've got better things to do today than gross some of you out... probably.

The occasion I do want to mark (or rather did... since this post is almost a week late) is the anniversary of a friend's contribution to my musical enlightenment. On Groundhog's Day 2003, my fellow Ocrisian and resident '80s guru Otak began his brief radio career amidst a passel of hipsters too cool for anyone's good. It took me about 3 weeks to learn about the webcasting of Atomics & Reaganomics, but once I did, I hardly ever missed a show.
It's due to the Otak that I learned about artists like Atom, Satch, and The Gimmies. I also became re-acquainted with Aimee Mann and New Order through his efforts. I doubt I ever really thanked him for that, so... thanks.

As most of these type stories tend to wind up, the salad days didn't last forever. Unfortunately the show became a victim of his own success, and despite zero publicity or listener complaints, Ota was booted from the station beceause he played music people wanted to hear. And they say college radio can help prepare you for a career in broadcasting... That's one hell of a business model you've got there boys.

All history aside, thanks for the good music Otak. I hope you get back on the air someday, you were better than you give yourself credit for.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got six more weeks of hacking up V-8. Happy belated Groundhog's Day, everyone.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Stand up and be counted for what you are about to recieve

So much to talk about since it's been so long. I've been floored by the amazing results of the elections in Iraq, and have been feverishly trying to craft the ├╝ber-post about it... but no such luck. I'm back on the phlegm-infestation tour as of last week so, this cough-wracked rambling post is what you get instead.

After Sentaor Chappaquiddick's grandstanding on Thursday wherin he demanded that US troops cut and run, while repeatedly comparing Iraq to a Vietnam-esque quagmire, the good people of Iraq told him in no uncertain terms to sit his cirrhotic ass down and shut the fuck up. Estimates of voter turnout in Iraq were anywhere from 60 to 72 percent, (though the latter number is generally thought of as being a bit high) numbers that we rarely see in America... and that's without some fucksticks trying to blow us up at the time.
Yet on the eve of the first free election in Iraq for over 50 years, Senator Kennedy can't stop talking about Vietnam. I don't know if he happened to find some old love beads and his collection of Joan Baez 45's or what, but Iraq is not Vietnam. Still, there are some public figures in ol' Chappy's corner.
Geez, how desperate can you get for attention? Perhaps Gorbachev's misunderstanding with the election arises because there were around 175 choices on the ballot this time. Gorby's used to there being smaller ballots with fewer possible choices - namely, one. Still, if there's anyone that knows about democracy at the barrel of a gun, it's Gorbachev *cough*Lithuania*cough*cough*

The "massive" terrorist network that proclaimed democracy as the enemy of Islam, and vowed to do everything in its power to stop the elections only managed to find a handful of suicide bombers (one of whom was allegedly afflicted with Down's Syndrome - i.e. a non-person in Islamofacist circles) who killed 44 people.
It's vital to note that every casualty was someone important to their families and friends, and each life was precious... but 44 is a stunningly low number if you've been going by what the Networks show us every night on the news. This is all they've got? Either there's not a lonely camel in Iraq tonight, or just maybe, these terrorists aren't as numerous as we've been led to believe... If nothing else, it's enough to persuade anyone that the forces of freedom are winning the war against terror in Iraq. Hell, just look at how many bloggers are posting from Iraq now. Comand Post has hundreds of them, in stark contrast from the one pre-war voice I can think of.

You know what? Fuck you very much Mr. Kennedy, we're not interested in your help. This one's covered, thanks.