Saturday, November 26, 2005

It's Labor day and my grandpa just ate seven fuckin' hot dogs

We now rejoin the continuing saga of Hammistan vs. Stewed Hamm: Bastard of the Century...

Your Honor, the people submit exhibit... christ, what are we up to now? Exhibit V? Right then, Exhibit V:

Upon learning of the unfortunate death of beloved actor Noriyuki "Pat" Morita, the accused was then overheard saying "So... did you hear that Mr. Miyagi waxed off."
The people would also like to add that if you're reading about this for the first time, we apoligize for inflicting this sick bastard's black soul upon you. Perhaps it can be mitigated by the knowledge that a "Breakin" box set was just released. Go grab it and then do that Electric Boogaloo you kids like so much.


A-hem. If anyone's got a better punchline, let's hear it. I don't know if it will elicit a pleased response for the inherent humor, or jealousy that I didn't think of it myself. Either way, the masses shall be entertained, as we toast Arnold's death in our own way.


Previous epistles to the dearly departed:
Let's Roll Over
We Miss You, Paul
Saruman The Dead
God Hates Hippies
Throwing In The Towel

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Oh boy, pico de gallo! They sure don't make it like this in Ohio

Just when I thought I was out... they pulled me back in!

Those magnificent bastards at Taco Bell are making a massive push to keep chipotle in the limelight. With their new grilled "stuft" chipotle burrito or whatever bizarro name they're calling it, the purple-clad taco-slingers are providing more evidence for the observations I made this spring:
Ad agents have chipotle-adopted a chipotle adjective and are chipotle-hammering it home.
Strictly as an aside... can anyone explain unto me the need for the painful spelling of "stuft." Okay, so "stuffed" is a longer word, but damn already. So yes, you get 10 points for not going with "shuvd" or "fil'd" but you still lose several thousand for looking like jackasses regardless.

If it wasn't for the intensely awesomeness of the Mountain Dew Baja Blast and the infinite free refills, I'd stop patronizing the Bell for a while. Seriously, Taco Bell, thank your corporate overlords at PepsiCo for buying the company and forcing me to eat there if I want my tasty beverage. How they knew I was a sucker for anything lime-related, I have no idea... I suspect my neighbor's dog though.

Disclaimer: So I'm more than a bit biased towards the Bell here. They did keep me fed all throughout my freshman year of college when the damn dining hall stopped serving dinner at 6pm, so I probably owe them my life. That being said, the aforementioned "kramd" burrito provides one with 83% of their daily sodium allowance... which is pretty frightening, because it makes the "Demolition Man" version of the future a little more possible. On the other hand, can you think of a tastier way to go about getting those 1980mg of sodium? I didn't think so. (and 1980 was a fucking great year, so there's that too)

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Let's Twist Again, Like We Did Last Summer

Because you absolutely didn't demand it, and will probably want to punch me in the face afterwards... Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

The Turd Twister.

Because, you know... some people aren't happy unless they're crapping out heart-shaped turds. It makes a great Christmas gift, or perhaps you could set a few out for your favorite civil servants on Boxing Day. Personally, I'm stocking up in anticipation of Boss's Day.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

And if they had the words I could tell to you

Crikey, but does anyone know how to spell a damn thing anymore? I swear the internet is a pack of knuckle-dragging neanterthals when they're not able to use their spell checkers... I talked about this in the last two search string posts, but I guess I failed to recognize the epidemic level of dumbasses out there.

Witness my recent Search Strings:
03-Nov-2005 08:38 Yahoo p=pitchers of scotland
09-Nov-2005 06:06 MSN q=alien pitchers
16-Nov-2005 09:13 MSN q=scotland pitchers

Sure, it's just three pinheads, but that's a large portion of my search traffic. (I'm not rolling in link-love, you know. My TTLB stats will prove that.) It's just shy of 20% of all searches that end up at my pathetic blog... I'd be willing to bet that sites with more traffic see an equal amount of atrocious excuses for spelling. Any takers on that?
Now it could just be that a lot of people can't spell "Picture," but my one blog is too small to make an accurate sample and it's dependant on whatever Cro-Magnons Google brings here.

To further illustrate the magnitue of illiteracy, I'll point out that it equaled the number of mucus-related searches I had. For the life of me, I can't fathom why I'm such a (relatively) popular site for snot talk. I mean, sure, I had the one post last winter about orange snot... which, yes, was pretty damn weird - but I still get booger searches a year later.

You might think each search is fake, but it' snot:
03-Nov-2005 14:05 Google q=white phlegm
04-Nov-2005 14:06 Google q="coughing up white chunks"
16-Nov-2005 16:02 Google q=coughing green chunks

The second guy even put it in quotes. How fucked up is that?

As long as we're talking about searches, I might as well share the "Just Fucking Weird" ones with you guys too:
26-Oct-2005 10:51 MSN q=puffly sweet
03-Nov-2005 00:43 Yahoo p=Gilbert Gottfried next stop subway
05-Nov-2005 12:42 Google q=george lizzong

My searches are all well and good, of course, but history tells us that Rachel will have a better one in the new future. I'm not even going to do the customary Insta-update about it this time... I'm just telling you to go over there and see for yourself. Odds are she's getting sicker search strings than me right now.
Previous Search String Inanity:
Zen Blogging
Misspelling Bee
Boobies for the Frog Brothers
Phlegm Redux
The Mystery of Soul Bitches

Update: As long as we're talking about Google in the verb sense, the inestimable Mr.Preston of JunkYard Blog has been on the forefront of pushing back against historical revisionism about Iraq. While Bush's Veteran's Day speech was a thorough and detailed account of how full of horseshit the Democratic party is regarding pre-war intelligence, it didn't include a catchy soundbyte. Enter the JYB, with the incredibly simple Google "Clinton, Iraq, 1998" meme.
Ted Kennedy can spew forth verbal diarrhea all day long, but Bryan's got three-and-a-half million hits that say Senator Chappaquiddick is lying.

Monday, November 14, 2005

In the park, she's giving out some photographs

*Bark Bark*

What's that Lassie? Timmy's fallen down a well?

*Bark Bark BARK*

He's not in a well? Why the hell not, I wonder. Anyway, what's the matter girl?

*Grrrrrowl* *BARK Bark*

Oh... I see, it's a holdup. And if nobody moves, then nobody gets hurt. Well, whatever you say girl. C'mon Pa, stick 'em up or Lassie might plug us.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

'Cause I don't have to work, I just have to jiggle

I got an email from a reader today. Shocking, isn't it? Actually, that's not the most surprising part. In addition to wanting to know whether or not I was dead (like I should be ahead of Di on anyone's Blogger Dead Pool) I was also asked why I didn't have a post up for Veteran's Day... after all, I had such a great story for Flag Day.
Rather than just fire off a quick "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on," I figured I'd share my reasoning with the world. Also, it's been a couple days since my last post, and Sean Penn has been pretty quiet lately.

OK, the short answer to why I skipped Vet's day, is of course, "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on." (The short, short version naturally, is "Dude, WTF?") The longer version takes a bit more 'splaining, but I'll give it a whirl.

Look, I've got nothing against animals or anything. In fact, I've been a pet owner for most of my life. Dogs, cats, rabbits, hell even a turtle and a chicken for a while (though not at the same time... that would have been kindof fucked up.) I've had most of your common household domesticated animals dwell with me at one point or another. So, please understand that while I love the little buggers and wish them the best of health, I have absolutely no clue as to why people go and get their panties in a twist over Vets. Sure, they're helpful and all if Mr. Snugglekins is puking up a kidney, but do they deserve their own day over it? Much less a J.C. Penney's White Sale Day day?

As my grandfather used to say: Not "No," but "Hell No!"

Oh, and also, that lady that played the vet in Turner & Hooch looks kind of scary. Like "don't meet up with her in a dark alley or carpet-covered furniture tree" kind of scary. (She's also been in a fuckton of TV movies, according to IMDB, but the Thornbirds was pretty good, so I'm not sure - scientifically speaking - how that balances out. This is a pretty long parenthetical aside, don't you think?)

Look, if you've read this far, you obviously think Dr. Doolittle deserves his own day. I, on the other hand, think that's a load of horseshit... which brings us full-circle to fucking your vehicle of choice.

Also, I'm right, and you're not.

Previous posts about days that coincide with linen sales:
Ooh, I'm Gonna Tell Your Dog Food Eatin' Mama
Thank You, Right-Wing Religious Extremists!
Respect My Authoritah
I Pity The Fool's Mother
I'm Not Going To Hell For Making Up A Funny Name For This Post
Giving Caesar The Finger
One Potato With A Side Of Beer, Please
That's Some Great Steak, Co-nan!
Kill a Tree for The Late J. C.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Tell grandma you fell off the swing

Some people are fucking sick. (and coming from me, that's saying something.)
Investigators acting on a tip took Gonzales into custody Thursday. Police said Gonzales told them he considered her his girlfriend. They said he apparently got upset when he found out she was only 11. Police said the two apparently met last summer.
As my buddy D once said, "All's you need is a good piece a' hickory."

I hate it when chicks lie to me too, R. Kelly-Gonzalez. But still, if you were really pissed about her being so young, you wouldn't have bothered to molest her before you killed her, right? Right?
Regardless, in a gesture of solidarity against lying hoes, I'll be having a charity drive to accept donations of lube or soft cushions. You'll definitely need 'em where you're going, homes.

Or you could be a smart-ass and donate some civillian clothes.


In absolutely unrelated news, this site is fucking cool. Kindof a baby vs. rhino thing... only with better hair.

Friday, November 04, 2005

You've got to move on before she explodes

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water...

I don't think I'll be pining for any fjords in the near future. (Though I may be saying "fjord" more often. It's a fun word to say)

Fjord! Fjord!

Previous fun with the thesauraus:
Richard Zen Anderson
Chipotle Wishes and Cilantro Dreams

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Repeated in the Corridors, Performing the Same Movements

Something odd has become apparent to me over the course of this week: I am incapable of walking up a staircase one step at a time. Oh sure, I can force myself to do it for a little bit... but inevitably I'll gaze upwards to the landing atop the stairs and tell myself "Oh fuck this, I haven't got all day!" Usually I follow that with a run up the remaining steps to "make up for lost time," but sometimes I can cool out and just be content to casually stroll up 2 at once.

I've really been noticing this multi-step urge on the stairs at my apartment. It's not that I live on the 5th floor and thusly have a lot of time to spend pondering my upwards mode of transport. I only go up a flight and a half at the most. I guess it's the fact that it's the same flight and a half done 4 or 5 times a day every day that makes it an especially insistant urge.
I'd also like to think that I've got Really Important Thingsā„¢ to do with my day, and the 20-odd seconds that I'm blowing on that tired-ass "1 step at a time" routine is time that the rest of humanity will have to waste just dicking around until I get my butt upstairs and cure cancer or some shit. In reality? No, not so much. I'm basically just going to sit around and read people's blogs or play video games. I've got no real reason to hurry upstairs... yet I'm compelled to do so.

I'm sure that all the armchair shrinks out among the interwebs will tell me there's "deep-seated issues" I'm harboring, or the stairs are a metaphor for my childhood or whatever... but they're probably those same fucksticks that step on the same stair with both feet.
I carry a tire iron around with me just in case someone's pulling that shit on my staircase.