Thursday, January 05, 2006

Maybe it wasn't good enough, but I gave you all I could

On the eleventh day of Festivus, (for the rest of us) The Triple-Dub gave to me:

Eleven Psychotic Search Strings

You had to know this one was coming. I've been putting the periodical search string post off for a while due to the Zen Posting, but I've gathered up enough links over the holiday season to fill a good post.

We'll start this off in the traditional manner, of course - with the snot searches. While it might sound like my booger-loving readers have been slacking off, all is not as it seems. They started the season off right, at the very fist search:
25-Dec-2005 08:59 q=coughing up chunks of mucus

And then, while there was only one other search string about nosegoblins... it showed up four separate times. Not too impressive, until you realize it was a search for orange snot. Four separate people on four separate occasions in the last two weeks had a burning desire to know about orange snot.
28-Dec-2006 13:01 q=orange snot
02-Jan-2006 15:09 q=orange snot
05-Jan-2006 07:36 q=orange snot
05-Jan-2006 08:21 q=orange snot

There was also quite a bit of interest in a picture I posted a couple months ago. Namely, this one:

Nothing puts me closer to the spirit of the season than bitchslapping some mouthy fuckwit in a random internet chatroom. I know you guys will back me up on this.

There have also been some searches I would really like to know more about, such as this one:
2 Jan 12:08:28 AM i know you got soul/ breakdance

Really, I appreciate your faith that I am all-knowing, and all-wise... but I have absolutely no soul. None whatsoever. You could hook me up to a Wilson Pickett I.V. and it wouldn't help me inform you about breakdancing. Sometimes, the Google: she lies to chyou.

But, as Arlo Guthrie once said, I didn't come here to tell you about all that. I came here to talk about the sickass pervos on the net. (well, he wanted to talk about the war... but they didn't have as much cool stuff online in the 60s as we do now.)
2 Jan 06:08:19 AM teen ass
2 Jan 06:08:48 AM teen ass
4 Jan 11:45:18 AM scotland mom blog

I know these two topics have no relation whatsoever... but when they show up back-to-back like that, it makes you go hmmmm. I prefer to think that someone found enough teen ass to last him two days, and then came trolling back for more.

So that's day eleven, a thoughtful pause for reflection before I go headlong into the project's big finale. All I have to say is that you guys are seriously disturbed... and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Ten Bowls of Booberry!
Nine Penis-Enlargement Drug Solicitations
Eight Asshole Neighbors
Seven Hours of Dry Heaves
Six A-Capella Wookies
Five Gooo-hoooold Ringtones
Four Minutes of Jibba-Jabba
Three Absolutely Unexpected Violent Incidents
Two Turtle Dentists
And A Hastily-Conceived Blogging Project!

Previous Search String Inanity:
Listen up you primitive screwheads: this is my GOOGLE!
Zen Blogging
Misspelling Bee
Boobies for the Frog Brothers
Phlegm Redux
The Mystery of Soul Bitches

And as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil.

Prepare yourselves to be absolutely sickened. (Hat tip on this to Michelle Malkin reader Bill K., though nobody would actually seek credit for evil news like this)

A child rapist in Vermont was just handed a cruel sentence to punish him for his heinous crimes, which consist of repeated rape of a seven year-old little girl that continued for over four years. The crime itself is horrifying enough, and I can't imagine what anyone could say to that little girl, now age 10, to comfort her as she battles this inner demon for the rest of her life.

I'm sure she'll have righteous comfort in her attacker's sixty day-long sentence.

But wait, there's more. The sentence was so ludicrously wrist-slappingly light because the judge, one Edward Cashman, "also revealed that he once handed down stiff sentences when he first got on the bench 25 years ago, but he no longer believes in punishment."

OK, I'm probably just being naive here, but why in God's name is this person a judge if he no longer believes in punishing the guilty? Judge Cashman needs to step down from the bench immdeiately, or face a swift impeachment. Barring that, I could proscribe a program of repeated rape over at least four years... I betcha that will restore his vision on punighing the wicked.
Judge Cashman needs to be confronted with this traumatized little girl's face for the rest of his life. Her attacker will be free in two short months, and out on the streets ready to start all over again with another innocent child.

Pardon me, but I have to go vomit now.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

We need poison sometimes, So take another drink with me.

Unfortunately, I've had to remove this post. While I'm not really at liberty to elaborate, I do thank you for stopping by.

Have a nice day.


Tuesday, January 03, 2006

In my broken chair, my wings are broken and so is my hair

On the ninth day of That One Thing, some electrons spinning through the void gave to me

Nine penis enlargement drug solicitations

OK, look. I appreciate your concern... however misplaced (and creepy) it is, but my Johnson is doing just fine without whatever the hell you're selling. Seriously.
It's a good size, and it does a fine job of making both me and my left hand very happy. My schlong is quite skilled at providing literally minutes of satisfaction during intimate relations between us. So please understand that I really mean it when I say I don't want to buy any of your pills.

Ok, fine... your "natural herbal supplements." I don't want any of those either. My meat and two veg do not need to be super-sized.

I hear you just fine already, but I'm still not interested. Please stop wasting my time with the emails, postcards, phone calls, accosting me on the street, armed strike teams bursting into my home, undercover Jehovah's Witnesses, and all the other friendly ways you insinuate my pork sword isn't cutting the mustard.

Great. Just great. You've got me so pissed off about this, I'm writing things like "pork sword" into Christmas blog posts. Are you fucking happy now, dickholes?
Merry Damn X-Mas, shitheels.

Eight Asshole Neighbors
Seven Hours of Dry Heaves
Six A-Capella Wookies
Five Gooo-hoooold Ringtones
Four Minutes of Jibba-Jabba
Three Absolutely Unexpected Violent Incidents
Two Turtle Dentists
And A Hastily-concieved blogging project!

Update ad infinitum: No, I still don't want to buy your penis pills!

Monday, January 02, 2006

Oh we spend our days like bright and shiny new dimes.

On the Eighth day of the Holiday Infant's Birthday celebration, the addin' machine gave to me:

Eight Asshole Neighbors

While most of Hammistan has been fortunate to experience a nice spate of warm weather recently, last week was an entirely different story. It was bloody cold out here, and that's all there is to it. If it weren't for the crazy-ass hurricane refugees in the downstairs apartment keeping their thermostat in the mid 80s, (a great decade but a lousy thermostat setting, I assure you) I would have had to start wearing a coat inside.
No, I'm not broke... I just don't think it's appropriate to be freezing my ass off inside my own home.

Anyway, I digress. This is all just all just the set-up for today's gift - and no, it's not the wacky creoles downstairs. I love the hell out of those guys for allowing me to pay my electric bill with pocket change this winter... so long as they're out of here and moving home by the end of spring.
What I'm on about today is the swimming pool at my apartment complex. Instead of draining the thing out and letting us go all dogtown in there, the management intends to keep the pool filled all winter. Well, since it was cold last week, the pool froze over. While there wasn't enough ice to warrant bidding on an HHL (Hammistan Hockey League) franchise, there was plenty enough ice to support smaller objects. By the second day of ice, the students that hadn't moved out yet began an impromptu science lab to discover what exactly the ice would support.

Leaves - Check
Dirt Clods - Check
Medium-Sized Rocks - Negative
A 32oz. Drink from McDonalds - Check
An Orange - Check

Yep, that small amount of pool ice was pretty darn strong. Was being the operative word here. Because now it's a week later, and the ice is a distant memory. What isn't a memoy at all is all the shit the dumbass brigade has thrown in our pool, especially the trash and rotting orange.
Thanks, assholes. I appreciate looking out at that stuff every day.

Seven Hours of Dry Heaves
Six A-Capella Wookies
Five Gooo-hoooold Ringtones
Four Minutes of Jibba-Jabba
Three Absolutely Unexpected Violent Incidents
Two Turtle Dentists
And A Hastily-concieved blogging project!

Sunday, January 01, 2006

She dreamed their visions were something within their law

On the Seventh Day of Crimbo, AlGore's invention gave to me:

Seven Hours of Dry Heaves

I should mention in due dilligence that this didn't acutally occur on the seventh day, but since today's "Day O' Crimbo" is doubling up with New Year's Day, I think it's the appropriate gift du jour.
A couple of days ago I was flat-assed on the floor of my shower puking my guts out and trying to clench my ass as tight as possible, so I wasn't letting go from both ends at once. After a few short minutes, my stomach was as empty as the DNC's book of new ideas... but my sickness wasn't abated one bit. I had been registered for 24 hours of gastro-intestinal distress, and by Jove I was getting every nanosecond worth of it.

So seven hours later, when I was once again able to keep water and a few saltines down, and was back on the path to solid stools, I found myself faced with a dilemma: Most of my day was spent in the embrace of cool linoleum, clinging onto the porcelain throne. What kind of an asshole would blog about that in a Christmas series?

Apparently, I would. But then, you already knew that.

Six A-Capella Wookies
Five Gooo-hoooold Ringtones
Four Minutes of Jibba-Jabba
Three Absolutely Unexpected Violent Incidents
Two Turtle Dentists
And A Hastily-concieved blogging project!