"Who's Johnny?" she said and tried to look the other way

On the fifth day of Ex-Mess, (more or less) the interweb gave to me:

Fiiiiive Gooo-hooold Riiiiingtones!

Police said they received a call at 4:52 a.m. Friday from a Blue Springs man who said his girlfriend was having trouble breathing. When they arrived at the house they found the 24-year-old woman had a cell phone lodged in her throat.

“He wanted the phone and she wouldn’t give it to him, so she attempted to swallow it,” Detective Sgt. Steve Decker of the Blue Springs Police Department. “She just put the entire phone in her mouth so he couldn’t get it.”

So far, I've been a bit short on commentary... but today I'm going great guns. Mostly, because this is so fucking funny to me. I mean, seriously, how fucked up is this couple that these two rednecks can't even share the phone. At 5 in the damn morning, I might add... who the fuck are they so itching to call that damn early, anyway?

And now, because you should expect childishness like this from me, (and because I'm an asshole) for the punchlines:

"I bet she still wouldn't give him head."
"Is his cooking that bad, she's eating phones?"
"Oh yeah, well I'm gonna eat the crockpot!"
"Hey, you think this call counts as roaming minutes?"
"I'm the crazy one? Well, you're deep-throating the appliances!"
"I'll be damned if I'm letting you call Ghostbusters!"

Four Minutes of Jibba-Jabba
Three Absolutely Unexpected Violent Incidents
Two Turtle Dentists
And A Hastily-Concieved Blogging Project!