Thursday, December 29, 2005

I'm bound under ball and chain; Reminiscing our love as I watch four seasons change

On the fourth day of Crimmess, my true love (aka: the Internet) gave to me:

Four Minutes of Jibba-Jabba!

Because absoultely nothing says "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus" like an 80s fashion show emceed by Mr. T. Seriously you guys, I come bearing gold, frankinsence, myrrh, ripped sweats, and bad hair. I should warn y'all about Jeff though... he's so fucking gay, he tried to play Joseph in the Hammistan nativity while dressed as Judy Garland.

It could have been worse though - imagine if Jeff got his way and played Joseph's Babymomma. Personally, I couldn't bear to think about Dorothy Gale copping a squat and popping out the Lamb of Hosts. It would totally ruin the holidays for me if Jesus was Liza Minelli's brother.

After that, why not learn all about poppin' and breakin' with T and some kids who've obviously been hanging out at the Teen Center... drinking their milk... staying in school... Oh come on whitey, where else are you gonna learn how to be cool? You know you want to, cracker!

Ha! Did my massive peer pressure coerce you to watch Mr. T try to breakdance? Well, if you had watched this informative clip about peer pressure, you'd know how to resist my siren-like charms... well, at least you'd know how to resist me if I trapped you between New Edition and the ocean, and tried to force you to drink beer I found in a garbage can... all while Mr. T stood nearby and attempted to stave off his epileptic fits.
On second thought, it's not really that useful, is it? Well, I bet that chick with all the makeup would put out if you got a couple more warm beers in her...

Ha Ha, just kidding. Intead, just rap about how life doesn't suck so much in the ghetto. You know, because of God and stuff.

Remember kids: Christmas without Mr. T is absoludicrous!

P.S. If you prefer your Christmas "Feliz Navidad" flavored (which I think is spanish for "My Dad, Felix, is in the Navy for Christmas") then there's always the Univision version of Mr. T... whom I happen to think looks a hell of a lot like Burt Reynolds.

Three Absolutely Unexpected Violent Incidents
Two Turtle Dentists
And A Hastily-Concieved Blogging Project!


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