Sunday, July 31, 2005

Your laser burns fractal as you spray the crowd

Anyone who depends on me for links to good webcomics will know that Counter Culture has departed from us for good this week. The strip has been "done" for a couple weeks now, but was finally taken offline within the last couple days. I don't check every strip every day, so I admit I don't know the exact date - only that I discovered it gone today.
Counter Culture was a strip I read because in large part I lived it. I did my time in retail, and can relate to practically each one of those strips from personal experience.

I generally don't write fan mail or the like, but I had to speak up when Omi and Jawa announced the end had arrived. I jotted down a pleasant little letter thanking them for the strip and wishing them the best of luck in their future endeavours. Honestly, it's a bit pigheaded of me to not speak up and thank all the creators I link to - artists, writers, or whatever. A link is nice, but just the simple act of saying thanks goes miles.
I've been blogging for around 11 months now, and I tell you I treasure every comment I get... even the spammity ones that are completely irrelevant. It's all validation that my sick little brain craves, and keeps me doing what I do here... whatever the hell that is.

Long story short, (too late) I won't ask you to write a couple of thank you letters today, since that's pretty damn hypocritical... but I'm going to send out a few of my own.


He's so lucky, he's a star. But he doesn't know it til he gets his letter

If you're like me, you're sitting up late at night staring into a hypnotic screen whilst typing out a blog post... You're also a bit flummoxed (great word that) about the current fashionable trend of spoiling the latest Harry Potter book. Or at least attempting to.
First it was Chugworth, now I'm told T-Shirt Hell (a great site for people who like insulting other people... and society in general) is in on the act too. This is all well and good, but it leaves your old buddy Stew out of the loop. Naturally that won't stand, so I'm taking the occasion of Mr. Potter's birthday (as much as a fictional character has a birthday) to jump on the bandwagon.

Neville Longbottom, desperate to show some talent at magic, develops a wicked speed habit from too many long nights studying. Desperate for cash to feed his monkeys (both literal and metaphorical) he turns to being a male prostitute. He becomes quite popular, due to his signature move - the Hufflepuff.

Ha ha! I have made with the funny. Forsooth!

Update: You all know I'll go as far as it takes for a punchline. Farther, even. However, I have to ask what the fuck is up with forcing the ending of long-awaited books upon an unsuspecting and unwilling public? Hey, I know that Chugworth and T-Shirt Hell regulars aren't exactly Harry Potter's primary audience, i.e. pre-teen and early teen kids, still, there's plenty of adults that have read and enjoyed them for a variety of reasons, myself included.
Yeah, I've read and re-read the Harry Potter books. As a hackishly amateur puncher of keys, I admire J.K. Rowling's creation of a richly detailed and breathing world - a feat many established authors never manage to pull off, much less a single mother on her first attempt at a novel. That's not "stupid kid's stuff," as some detractors might say, that's work. Hard fucking work wracking one's brain over a blank computer screen. That's J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Jack "King" Kirby, and Piers Anthony type work. I respect the hell out of it for that alone, not to mention how many thousands of kids those six books are directly responsible for bringing a love of reading and education.

I'm all for making the funny, guys. Just give those who aren't interested in having the ending spoiled a fair chance, a'ight? There's a good reason that the posters for The Crying Game didn't have big bold text reading "SHE'S GOT A SKEEZER PLEASER!" or Soylent Green didn't say "GUESS WHAT, IT'S MADE OUT OF PEOPLE!! FUCKING CREEPY, HUH?" not to mention have ticket-takers pass out little people-shaped crackers in the lobby.
Let's not even mention the broke-ass bastards like me who aren't shelling out $20 for a book, no matter the subject, and are desperately trying to hold on until the paperback drops.

Update II: Hey, you think I'm pissed about spoilers? These evil fuckers would kill you for it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Shut off the ganja and control the juice

Today, I'm presented with an opportunity to indulge in one of my favorite pasttimes: making fun of stupid atheletes. Today's sonnet to my core constituency comes courtesy of the USA Toady and Mr. Ricky Williams.

So Reefer Williams thinks he's ready to be in the NFL again, huh? At least, that's how he feels now that he's been declared in breach of contract and owes the Fins $8.6 million. Sure, he says he's in it for the long haul... but we've heard that before, haven't we?
To his credit, Bob Marley's less talented cousin didn't duck hard questions in his press conference at all. He came out and faced reporters like a man, offering an apology that actually contained the word "apology," unlike some weasels I could mention. Unfortunately, that's about all he did right.

"I realize by making that decision I affected the team in a negative way, that I upset a lot of the fans, (and) I'm very regretful of that," Williams told dozens of reporters after the team's morning practice. "People were hurt in the process of me doing that ... so I do offer an apology to all the people who were negatively affected."

When asked for clarification on his drug habit, The Rick's year-long study of philosophy and bong resin gave him the introspection to utter this brilliant observation:

"I think I had a problem with some of the rules," he said. "And just looking at the life, I wasn't very comfortable with it and I decided to walk away."
A problem with some rules? No shit. You really think so? He continued, saying:

"Before I left, I had a different concept of what freedom was," Williams said. "I thought freedom was to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. And being away and having a chance to learn a lot about myself, I realized that freedom is having the strength to be in any situation and be content with that situation."

Nice job Rick. Way to be a fucking role model and stuff. You're a real hero, man.
I hope your cowardly ass enjoyed it's year of "freedom" or whatever the hell you call it, but now you're back in the real world where smoking pot is illegal, and you're going to be out of a job if you do it again.
But is he concerned?

"Any talking that I do ... is for naught, really, because ... the people's minds are going to be made up when they see me on the field. That's this business. When I produce, then all this stuff goes away. But until then, I have to deal with it."

Don't count on it, Rick. Ask Darryl Strawberry how that's working out for him.
The fans know you're just in it because you don't have a choice. We see exactly what you're shoveling.

One wonders what the 'Fins new coach Nick Saban has to say about all this?

Concerning marijuana, Saban indicated the subject has been addressed sufficiently.

"I'm hopeful that his moral compass will be what it needs to be to be able to have success and function effectively in this league," he said. "He's the guy that is going to suffer the consequences if he can't do that. I think he understands that."

Sorry Nick, wrong answer. "I know he's a fucking pothead, but he's the only hope we've got this year." would have been more honest. Furthermore, Flakey's not the only guy who's going to "suffer the consequences" when he fucks up again. When Flakey goes down, he's taking everyone else on the team, and every Dolphin fan in the country with him.

It's only a question of when.

Disclaimer: No, I don't have some sort of vendetta against Williams. In fact, I really enjoyed watching him play at UT and kicking ass up and down the field for 4 years... however, since he left college, he's been a contagious train wreck.
For those of you studying for SAT's, look at it this way - Ricky Williams : Football :: Carrot Top : Movies.

Every day you'll see the dust as I drive my baby in my Magic Bus

Saw this in the USA Toady this morning:

"Actress" and activist Jane Fonda says she intends to take a cross-country bus tour to call for an end to U.S. military operations in Iraq. "I can't go into any detail except to say that it's going to be pretty exciting," she said. Fonda said her anti-war tour in March will use a bus that runs on "vegetable oil." She will be joined by families of Iraq war veterans and her daughter.

She'll be joined by families of veterans from other wars too... count on it.
Incidentally, I'll bet the lack of details would be to head off large protest crowds of those vets and families. Wonder if all the stops will be unannounced?

Prompted by a question from the audience, Fonda said war veterans that she has met on a nationwide book tour have encouraged her to break her silence on the Iraq war. "I've decided I'm coming out," she said. Hundreds of people in the audience cheered loudly when Fonda announced her intentions to join the anti-Iraq war movement.

Wait, Fonda's gay now? I bet that'll go over fabulously with the Islamic radicals we're fighting against. Good luck on the "Sunni Triangle" leg of your sympathy tour, bitch.
As if we were all just itching to know how Hanoi Jane felt, anyway... I know that was number one on my list!

"I have not taken a stand on any war since Vietnam," she said. "I carry a lot of baggage from that." Fonda incited controversy in July 1972 when she was photographed sitting on a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft gun while on a tour of the country to drum up support to end the war.

You carry baggage from Vietnam? You don't say...

Incidentally, I think you'll look positively smashing in a burqua holding a scimitar against an infidel's throat. I'll be TIVO-ing Al Jazeera from now on, just so I don't miss it. You should definitely request that they make your semtex vest out of natural fibers, though. You don't want slippery pits when you meet Allah.

Update: Some of our boys in Iraq are anxiously awaiting the arrival of what I'm hereby dubbing Jihad Jane's Burqa Bus. Peenie Wallie has the picture. (Hat tip to Michelle Malkin)

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Persist to resist, fight back. Not with a fist, with tact.

From the "What the Hell Was She Drinking?" files:

This week Catherine Baker Knoll, the Lt. Governor of Pennsylvania, apparently crashed a funeral for a Marine killed in action recently in Iraq. She just showed up and started passing out her business card, in what looks like the dumbest campaign stop in history.
Not satisfied with the impression she was making on the mourning family and friends, she reassured them with the comforting thought that "I want you to know our government is against this war."
Ex-fucking-scuse me?? This is what you think a family wants to hear about their son and husband? "Sorry he's dead and all, but aren't you glad it was for nothing? You know, because I hate the things he fought and died for. Ha! What a kick in the ass, huh?"

Would you like some tact with that ma'am?

How about a fucking clue?

Blackfive has more about the Marine, SSgt Joseph Goodrich, here.
Ed Rendell, the Governor of Pennsylvania, can be contacted here. I'm sure he wouldn't mind you dropping him a little love note about his administration.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

I am searching, I am not alone

Rejoice Rachel, for your day has come!

The internet is full of scary scary people. I'm not talking about the wackjobs trying to blow up innocent children getting candy. Nor am I talking about the people that take sites like bonsai kittens seriously. Anyone who's been blogging long enough to be noticed by our favorite search engines will gladly tell you stories of the fucked-up search strings they get daily. It is to those creepy bastards and their twisted quests that I dedicate today's post.

I knew I was on to something when my very first search engine hit was looking for Puce Pops. Since then I've kept a collection of my favorites, and today I share the wealth with all of you.

Naturally, I get a fair share of folks looking for song lyrics. However, I've gotten far too much mileage out of the plexiglas toilet song. At least 25% of my hits are from misguided souls hoping I can show them what the hell Styx was on about with that... alas I cannot.
That's not to say that there aren't a number of people looking for fine toilet poetry. Quite the contrary, I've gotten plenty of straightforward hits on that... what a shame that nobody's bothered to share the wealth.

In other news, there's links for the health-conscious:
  • "Chunks of Phlegm."
  • not to be outdone, the following week brought me "Phlegm Chunks."
  • and rounding out the mucus trifecta, there's "Coughing up White Chunks."

For the hairstyling enthusiasts among you, there's plenty of searches about Eddie Steeples... most of which I can thank Steeplechaser for.

Still, my all-time favorite has to be "Soul Bitches."
Who or what these soul bitches are is strill a mystery to me, but it must be important because I've gotten it twice.

Update: What is it with the Internet and phlegm chunks? Seriously.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Stop eatin that fudge, cause here comes the judge!

So President Bush has revealed his Supreme Court Nominee to the nation at last. I for one wholeheartedly approve of his pick, and I'm not alone. He's got a long record of support for education and children's issues, promoting a healthy diet and lifestyle, as well as distinguished military service. He's never one to back down from a fight either... legal or otherwise. He's taken on literally hundreds of tough cases throughout his career. In his spare time, he apprarently enjoys gymnastics and boxing.

In spite of all these accomplishments, Senate Democrats are expected to mount a vicious fight to keep him from being confirmed. Inside sources say the first objections will be over his rampant drinking problem.

After the formal announcement, President Bush was overheard saying "I love it when a plan comes together."

Monday, July 18, 2005

I just want for this silence to stop killing me

Doug Giles has a great piece on today. If only the Obsolete Media had the stones to ask these questions... because the lack of a clear response is colossal.

Dear Moderate Muslims,

What’s up? I see that you guys have been in the news a lot lately. I thought I’d write you a letter and ask you some questions because it seems as if some Muslims are involved in some very bad stuff around the globe, i.e. targeting and killing innocent people and all in the name of your god.

Please indulge me, moderate Muslims. I have two simple questions regarding your current religious beliefs, as we would not want you to be confused with the aberrant devotees with whom, we were told, you wholeheartedly disagree.

1. Seeing that you differ with the radical lunatic fringe players in your religion, we can safely know and state that you do not view the West and those who do not share your religious beliefs as “The Great Satan,” correct?

I mean . . . I know we eat pork, watch PG-13 movies, dance to Michael Jackson, believe Hillary Clinton [at least some do on the left] and watch Paris Hilton . . . it’s bad, I know. But c’mon . . . “The Great Satan”??? Thank God, that as a moderate Muslim, you do not go so far as to label the entire Western Civilization as satanic just because it isn’t based on an Islamic worldview. Amen?

2. What are you going to do about all the verses in the Quran that instruct Muslims to convert, conquer or kill those who will not bow their knees to Allah? You don’t believe that stuff, do you? You don’t believe that peaceful Jews, Christians and secularists are belligerent infidels, right? I would think not, because that would be extreme.

As a moderate Muslim, can we rest assured that you do not believe that warfare and terror are any way to establish your religion in people’s lives? Can we also be certain that those of us who do not believe and will not believe your particular take on divinity can feel completely safe around you and that we can confidently expect you to work with us to build our world into a better place without condemnation being breathed down upon our heads?

Put some food for thought on your brain's plate today and read the whole article. Hat tip to Dhimmi Watch - they don't miss a beat over there.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

You referred to the way of the sword as hope

A quick item that I came across on Michelle Malkin.

Apparently I want to kill Paul Begala... and furthermore I'm taking his kids along for the ride.
Damn, and here I sit not even realizing I've felt this way for so long. Naturally, Mr. Begala would know what I'm thinking better than I do. Remember that he's one of those nice people from the Clinton Administration who worked tirelessly to keep me from having to make any dangerous choices about my life, and tried to get good ol Uncle Sam to make them for me.

Seriously though, this is what sadly passes for critical thinking on the left. Mr. Begala's remarks were made at something called the "Campus Progress National Student Conference" which claimed to be "providing liberal students with the tools necessary to fight the conservative movement." Even more ironic is the fact that the remarks were made at a panel discussion entitled "Winning the war of ideas." In the words of a courageous American, "Bring 'em on."

If the best advice they've got is name-calling and foul language, then we should be done with the idea war by dinnertime. I'm reminded of the legal adage that goes "If you have the facts, argue the facts. If you have the law, argue the law. If you have neither, just argue!" That's all the left is doing now: arguing for its own sake. There's not one salient point made at this ridiculous hate-fest of a conference, it's all just rhetoric.

For those of you who don't feel like wading through the entire article, here's Paul's Greatest Hits:
  • Republicans have done a piss-poor job of defending the US.
  • Rebublicans want to kill us.
  • "They want to kill me and my children if they can. But if they just kill me and not my children, they want my children to be comforted -- that while they didn't protect me because they cut my taxes, my children won't have to pay any money on the money they inherit."
  • The Clinton administration's national security efforts involved the right blend of "experience" and "strength." (ahem - WTC 93, Turning down Sudan's offer to give us Osama - twice!, Riyadh 95, Khobar Towers 96, Kenya & Tanzania Embassies 98, USS Cole 2000)
  • "Okay, [Republicans] are utterly and completely brain-dead."

As a bonus, here's Clinton Chief-of-Staff John Podesta from the same panel: "You can fight hard for what you believe without breaking the law, without cheating and certainly without checking your morals at the door."
If only someone had told Bill...

Betsy's Page and New Editor have more commentary.

Double the pleasure, triple the fun!

Iron Maiden? EXCELLENT!!

There are strange things afoot at the Circle K, indeed.

Friday, July 15, 2005

I hear them pray for more on every dance floor

If you haven't already checked it out, the merciful and wise Banjo the Clown, God of Puppetry makes an appearance in today's Order of the Stick. Those of you with long memories will no doubt recall that I love the hell out of Banjo.

(Yes, the post's backdated. I just got caught up on webcomics today, and don't want to tempt violating an unknown law of the universe by posting thrice on the same day.)

Monday, July 11, 2005

I know he's there, but I just had to call

Although I promised a different topic to those of you enduring winter's chill, I don't have the luxury of being able to access my home computer with my list of the internet's greatest hits, so I'll have to do what I do best: procrastinate.
Ooh! I could call it foreshadowing... then I'd be super-literal and get praise for being a "creative soul" and other similar puffery.

Fortunately, I've got a perfectly suitable topic to bitch about.

Attention people of earth: Learn how to answer the damned telephone!
You are not a member of the Kuh-Sai squad. You are not Mulder. You are not Scully. You are, in fact, not even answering your cell phone... you're at your desk where you (supposedly) maintain a professional working atmosphere.
Answering the phone with "Davison!" is hardly professional. Ditto for "Go!" It doesn't even matter if you have the coolest surname ever; Hasselhoff himself couldn't pull this off. Okay, maybe it would fly in Germany. But you're not in Germany, and you definitely don't want to sit on the right hand of the 'Hoff, so don't even go down that road.

Even worse, are the people I have to call that just pick up their phones... and fucking sit there like a log. No "Trawley here." No "MITCHELL!" Not even a "Whazzzzzzzzup," which actually would be a refreshing change of pace.
No, these slack-jawed mouth-breathers just sit there waiting for me to start talking. The word "hello" was coined for exactly this situation, you cretins. Start using it!

Alas, that's not what happens. Generally, I stammer out a confused "hel...lo?" and they talk at me like I'm the one causing a problem. One day I will lose my paitence with one of these clowns and proceed to break the social contract over his head, then shove it up his "Nash Bridges" lovin' ass. Who's with me?


Thursday, July 07, 2005

We haven't cursed our luck or run amok

Just when my faith in basic human decency was waning fast, I witnessed an amazing thing.

After tidying up my previous post this morning, I headed over to the bank to deposit my paycheck. As I was waiting in line, I heard a few of the office girls talking excitedly about something going on outside. I glanced out the window and was amazed to see a mother duck and 5 ducklings waddling alongside the busy street, looking for a place to cross.
Out of nowhere, a guy came up and escorted them across the 5 lanes of morning traffic... which without complaint or trouble stopped to let them all go by.

What a family of ducks was doing in the middle of town, I have no idea... but I do know that God works in mysterious ways, and I needed to see something uplifting right about then.

Now war is declared - and battle come down

There's so many things I'd rather be writing about this morning than the sickening terror going on in London today. An amazing story about an eleven year-old girl pitching a perfect game in Little League, the massive demonstration against the New London city council re: the Kelo decision, the pimping of one of my favorite bands INXS... all overshadowed and made pretty much meaningless today by a group of insecure hateful zealots.

With the G-8 summit taking place in the United Kingdom and yesterday's awarding of the 2012 Olympics to London, the city was a perfect target. Now the European left that didn't want to believe it would happen again are reaping the fruits of all the denial they've sown. After the Madrid bombings, after the assassination of Theo van Gogh, what will it take for Europe to get serious about combating Islamic terrorism?

I could only stand to watch 15 or so minutes of the footage on Sky News before I got that empty pit in my stomach feeling that I've felt but a few times before. The two funerals I've attended, and Tuesday morning September 11, 2001. Even though casualty totals are miraculously low (2 dead, 90 injured according to JihadWatch) thank God, everyone knew something like this was coming.

We're not talking about an enemy (and make no mistake, that's exactly what they are) that you can expect any quarter from. For them, it's all-out war and bloody jihad until Western society is wiped off the map. There is no reasoning with a semtex jacket. There is no negotiating with a truck full of fertilizer. Holding hands and singing Kum-Bai-Ya won't do a damn bit of good against that mentality... and it's past time the world recognized that as truth.

Tony Blair sent a hopeful message in his initial statement however. He concluded with:

"Whatever they do it is our determination that they never succeed in destroying what we hold dear in this country and in other civilized nations throughout the world."

I hope you mean that, Mr. Prime Minister. The lives of uncounted innocents hang in the balance.

Most news reports of this story are collated on the GWOT page at Command Post.

Update: (1:25pm) The confirmed death toll has risen to 45, with the injured estimated to be somewhere around 1000. It's still a remarkably low number for so many attacks targeted at the London transportation system.
Ask yourselves again if fighting terrorists in Iraq with soldiers is a better or worse option than fighting them in our city centers with firefighters and EMTs.

Update II: (early 7/9) Death toll is up to 52, with injuries in the neighborhood of 700. Obviously numbers like this are sketchy and will fluctuate, so this will be the last I mention them, barring something extraordinary.

As far as the rest of my comments go, Amir Taheri knows exactly what I'm talkin bout, Willis.

Update III: Charles Moore is on the ball as well. (Courtesy of Rachel)

Monday, July 04, 2005

Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning

If there are any Americans left that cherish the freedoms they daily enjoy, might I suggest they get down on their knees and thank holy God that a band of right-wing religious extremists stood upon the courage of their convictions and pledged their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to secure liberty for the rest of us.

Incidentally, it's "Independence Day," not the "4th of July." Referring to this day just like we would any other cheapens what it stands for and what a monumental event happened in that sweltering Philadelphia courthouse 229 years ago.

Naturally, I have yet to see any media commercials call today by its correct name. I'm not in the least surprised, nor am I holding my breath. Call it Flag Day, part 2.