He's so lucky, he's a star. But he doesn't know it til he gets his letter

If you're like me, you're sitting up late at night staring into a hypnotic screen whilst typing out a blog post... You're also a bit flummoxed (great word that) about the current fashionable trend of spoiling the latest Harry Potter book. Or at least attempting to.
First it was Chugworth, now I'm told T-Shirt Hell (a great site for people who like insulting other people... and society in general) is in on the act too. This is all well and good, but it leaves your old buddy Stew out of the loop. Naturally that won't stand, so I'm taking the occasion of Mr. Potter's birthday (as much as a fictional character has a birthday) to jump on the bandwagon.

Neville Longbottom, desperate to show some talent at magic, develops a wicked speed habit from too many long nights studying. Desperate for cash to feed his monkeys (both literal and metaphorical) he turns to being a male prostitute. He becomes quite popular, due to his signature move - the Hufflepuff.

Ha ha! I have made with the funny. Forsooth!

----
Update: You all know I'll go as far as it takes for a punchline. Farther, even. However, I have to ask what the fuck is up with forcing the ending of long-awaited books upon an unsuspecting and unwilling public? Hey, I know that Chugworth and T-Shirt Hell regulars aren't exactly Harry Potter's primary audience, i.e. pre-teen and early teen kids, still, there's plenty of adults that have read and enjoyed them for a variety of reasons, myself included.
Yeah, I've read and re-read the Harry Potter books. As a hackishly amateur puncher of keys, I admire J.K. Rowling's creation of a richly detailed and breathing world - a feat many established authors never manage to pull off, much less a single mother on her first attempt at a novel. That's not "stupid kid's stuff," as some detractors might say, that's work. Hard fucking work wracking one's brain over a blank computer screen. That's J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Jack "King" Kirby, and Piers Anthony type work. I respect the hell out of it for that alone, not to mention how many thousands of kids those six books are directly responsible for bringing a love of reading and education.

I'm all for making the funny, guys. Just give those who aren't interested in having the ending spoiled a fair chance, a'ight? There's a good reason that the posters for The Crying Game didn't have big bold text reading "SHE'S GOT A SKEEZER PLEASER!" or Soylent Green didn't say "GUESS WHAT, IT'S MADE OUT OF PEOPLE!! FUCKING CREEPY, HUH?" not to mention have ticket-takers pass out little people-shaped crackers in the lobby.
Let's not even mention the broke-ass bastards like me who aren't shelling out $20 for a book, no matter the subject, and are desperately trying to hold on until the paperback drops.

----
Update II: Hey, you think I'm pissed about spoilers? These evil fuckers would kill you for it.