Monday, April 11, 2005

Make it nice for everyone, but don't sit on the plexiglass toilet

I'm not sure if this phenomenon has reached the hinterlands where you hauled your pathetic shack on wheels this month, but in my local Wal-Mart, they've deployed a new weapon in the War on Literature.

Wal-Mart's going to war against literature? What the fuck are you on about today, Stew?

By "literature," of course, I mean "restroom poetry." I think that was plainly obvious... I mean, I knew exactly what the hell I was talking about... it's not my fault if you can't keep up.

But I digress. Walhalla is now using a special type of stall material that makes graphitti much more difficult. It renders most sharpie scribblings into unreadable blurs... leaving a vast unused canvas upon which no important knowledge can be shared.
Considering that the Wal owns a sizeable percentage of the world's toilets, this is a serious blow to bathroom profundity. (or if you're the abbreviating type - "Shit-Lit") Therefore, I wish to chronicle a few of my favorite missives for the younger generation, before they vanish completely... like Whitney Houston's career... or supply of coke.
Unfortunately, you'll likely not see such witty comments as these on any given wall. The best today's kids can come up with is to make a derogatory comment about an ex girlfriend, or perhaps an ethnic group. Most of these Rhodes Scholars can only think to write "fuck," or call a previous author a homosexual. This simply will not stand.

I think it's best to start with a poem that reflects the nature of the sport itself

Some folks come to sit and think,
Others come to shit and stink.
But I've just come to scratch my balls
And read the writing on the walls.

And of course, the ever-classic

Here I sit, brokenhearted.
I came to shit... but only farted.

My all-time favorite though, was found in a Shell station near Lubbock, Tx.

There is no gravity: the Earth sux.
I'm pretty sure it's no coincidence that this one was found in close proximity to the town that gave us the legendary songsmith Buddy Holly. It also has a reputation for being a shithole. In fact Willie Nelson is reputed to have said "happiness is Lubbock in your rear-view mirror."
Truer words were never spoken.

Now this is by no means an exhaustive survey, nor does it even begin to touch on the greatness of the literary mind on the throne. So I call upon all you barhoppers and roadtrippers out there. Share your favorites with us all... and let me take a producer's credit for it. One caveat though: If you're going to tell us the one about how Texans are born, you'd better have one about every other state. Go on, I dare you to rhyme New Hampshire, bitch.
Don't do it for me though... do it for the children!


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