Now when I'm down some people ask me just when and where my luck did change

On the twelfth day of - "Criminey! It's bloody well the end of July, you jizzswizzler! Don't tell me you're seriously doing this?"
"Apparently I am. Surely you saw a 'Christmas in July' blog-stravaganza coming, didn't you?"
"Actually, we all figured it was just your typical apathy and inability to complete a project. As a matter of fact, we're not going to believe you without some proof. You're just cobbling this post together early in the morning on the last day of July just to look like you're fucking clever, aren't you?"
"Well, that's your opinion. Now if you'll excuse me..." A-hem. On the twelfth day of Crinminey, my magic girlfriend gave to me:

Twelve Memes a Meme-ing

Those of you with absolutely no lives outside of the blogs of the little people that live inside your computer will doubtless remember that I was tagged for a meme by Rachey back in November. The only problem was that she filled it with all sorts of highly personal details that make one want to wipe a small tear from the corner of one's eye and say "Well fuck that. There's no way I can slap together something that will do justice to that with my typical fare of lame anecdotes and boobie jokes. I'll pretend Rachey never tagged me, and it'll all go away."

And that's precisely what I did. The post vanished into the memory hole that is the 4-day attention span of the internet... mostly. But it survived because someone remembered it - more specifically, me. This meme has nagged me for eight months, and by cracky it's time to do something about it.

Ten years ago:
I had recently discovered the joys of a legal drinking age, as well as the excellent speed at which it forces one to drop out of college. Hooray, Beer!

Five years ago:
Shit, I have no idea. The period from 1997 to late 2002 are an amorphous mass of time that has no shape or linear connections within it. This has nothing to do with the burgeoning alcoholism from the previous question, mind you. I remember most of those events very clearly... I just have no real idea as to the order in which they happened.

One year ago:
Why ask me? Check it yourself, bitches.

Five Yummy Things:
1. Anything edible with chopsticks, mostly to show off my bad-ass chopstick skills.
2. Thin-crust pizza topped with pineapples
3. Alyson Hannigan
4. Patricks. (An odd cookie-like thing from Spain, that I discovered when a group of Spanish guys came through the office bearing treats. They have no right to be delicious, yet they persist in doing so.)
5. Just about anything with olives

Five songs I know by heart:(in no particular order)
1. "Dirty Laundry" - Don Henley
2. "Mad About You" - Sting
3. "The Fireman" - George Strait
4. "Baby Got Back" - Sir Mix-A-Lot (although, to be fair, is there anyone from Osiris that doesn't know this song by now?)
5. The vast majority of INXS's catalogue... before they became whores for network TV

Five things I would do with a lot of money:
1. Start my own manufacturing firm in an economically-depressed part of the country. Somewhere that people would appreciate a steady well-paying job and not shove a union up my ass the first chance they got.
2. Upon getting my factory meal-ticket up and running smoothly, I'd pull a Bill Gates and devote most of my time to running a charity. Not sure what sort though, there's so many worthy causes out there.
3. Try and see every country in the world that hasn't been turned into an unlivable shithole by corrupt dictators or islamotard murderers.
4. Not be a self-indulgent fuckstick and blow $20 Mil on a fucking rocketship ride.
5. Have George Lucas abducted and mercilessly tortured until he recants each of the Star Wars prequels, and delivers us the cinematic masterpieces we deserve rather than the commercialized fanboy-spunk he issued forth into the Kleenex known as Hollywood... but I'm not bitter or anything.

Five things I would never wear:
1. Popular "label" clothing that's essentially the same shit you can find at Penney's, only quadruple the price because it has some prick's logo on the tag.
2. Birkenstocks. I don't care if they do make my feet feel like they're doing the tango with magical blowjob fairies, I'm not a fucking hippy.
3. A Croatian policemen's hat, if a lovely young foreign tourist asked to give it a test-drive.
4. A Che Guevara T-shirt

5. Leather pants. Seriously, if I wanted to show off how much of a douche I am, I'd give out my blog's URL.

Five favorite TV shows:
1. My Name is Earl
2. How I Met Your Mother
3. Any televised presentation of the National Hockey League
4. Family Guy
5. My Hero (God bless the Beeb)

Five things I enjoy doing:
1. Reading dumb shit on the internet.
2. Reading intelligent shit on the internet.
3. Um... not having to come up with three other things I'm only pretending to like.
4. Seriously.
5. Oh wait, not eating that weird-ass beet crap that Rachey likes so much. No way I'm touching anything that looks like Gorbachev after a day at the beach.

Five people I want to inflict this on:
I'm breaking the chain in order to free you all of the curse. Earn this sacrifice, because in 10 days I'll face the horrifying form of my destructor. Flee while you can, pathetic mortals!

----

Eleven Psychotic Search Strings
Ten Bowls of Booberry!
Nine Penis-Enlargement Drug Solicitations
Eight Asshole Neighbors
Seven Hours of Dry Heaves
Six A-Capella Wookies
Five Gooo-hoooold Ringtones
Four Minutes of Jibba-Jabba
Three Absolutely Unexpected Violent Incidents
Two Turtle Dentists
And A Hastily-Conceived Blogging Project!



(By the way, thanks for making me do this, Rachey.)