Find a blank spot on my wall and put a plaque to it

So yeah, I'm alive. But also, I come bringing wisdom... or something.
Actually, it's not very wise... but it's got 80s references and lots of foul language, so it should satisfy my core demographics.

So last night my special lady fucking ladyfriend and I were discussing various things, when she mentioned that a friend of hers had no idea that He-Man and She-Ra had their adventures on different planets. Wisdom ensued thusly:

Her: A friend of mine didn’t know that He-man and She-Ra didn't live on the same planet.

ME: of course they lived on different planets - they have different genders. It's like a Mars / Venus thing... only with shitty, unimaginative toys, and cheap animation that cut every corner possible.

Her: Interesting analysis. So, were there no men, other than evil ones on Etheria?

ME: I mean, seriously ... didn't your pal ever wonder why She-Ra never showed up to help fight off Skeletor? Look, if He-Man went through all that effort, day after day, week after week, yet was constantly letting Skeletor slip through his grasp... She-Ra comes off looking like a selfish, lazy bitch.
Like Prince Adam was calling her up every other day all "Hey She-Ra, it's me, He-Man. Look, Skeletor captured my friend Teela again, and I'm about to head out to rescue her."
And she’s all "Mmm-hmmm, yeah make it fast, He-Man, I just got the Season 3 DVD set of 'Desperate Housewives' and that's pretty much takin' up my weekend here..."

Her: “I'm just gonna chill in the Crystal Castle...”

ME: "So, anyway... I was thinking that since Skeletor and I are pretty evenly matched, and you're pretty much as powerful as I am - you know, for a girl. But if you were to lend a hand, we could probably defeat him... or at least drive him off and force him into hiding for a very long time."

"fuck that, Adam. That sounds like work. These DVDs ain't gonna watch themselves, you know."

"I... see..."

Her: Maybe she was having her period...or a slumber party or something. Maybe she was having a bad hair day...

ME: for like 3 years?

Her: Well, a lot of things could happen... She could have been retaining water so her tights didn't fit… Swift Wind could have been being stubborn… Glimmer may have broken up with her boyfriend… Shit happens.

ME: Swift Wind needed to get fucked good and hard... maybe by an elephant.

Her: Swift Wind had a mate.

ME: That doesn't change my point one bit.

Her: They had a foal even

ME: Raped. By an elephant. Violently.

Her: Wow, what did Swift Wind ever do to you?

ME: Swift Wind was an imperious prick.
Sure, I get that they couldn't make him a complete pussy like Cringer... you know, because that would have been even more of a blatant rip-off of the original cartoon. (and also because little girls like horses so much because they kindof want to fuck them, so he had to have some redeeming qualities, like being smart and shit - but I digress)So rather than being too on-the-nose, they went the complete opposite way with Swift Wind. Into a giant prick.
Which, now that I mention it, also dovetails nicely into the whole “wanting to get fucked by a giant horsecock” thing... but again, I digress.

ME: ...

Her: You are nuts

ME: What? What did I say that's so wrong?

Her: Just your outrageous hatred of an animated horse. That’s nuts. Also, little girls DO NOT want to fuck horses.

ME: What, was I wrong about She-Ra not wanting to help save Teela, because they were like friends or something? Because I'll admit I didn't see every episode, so they could have gone to the mall together, and bonded as girls, and been BFF Jills.
Or did she have a beef with the Sorceress, for not friending her on Facebook, and doesn’t believe her bullshit excuse about “Oh, I accidentally clicked the wrong button. If you send it again, I’ll totally friend you.”
Still, I think my larger point stands.

Her: She-Ra was in a parallel universe fighting the rebellion. What exactly did you want her to do? She got in her own tight spots from time to time...you didn't see he-man jumping through the dimensional portal every five minutes.

ME: Which is why your friend’s stupid for not realizing they were from different planets.

Some people just can't be reasoned with, I guess.

Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum

So I was thinking today that if I'm not mistaken, the Little Drummer Boy was the first "child star" in history. (For a certain value of "history," at any rate)

I wonder if he ended up a bitter alcoholic like all the rest of those poor, poor bastards who've followed in his footsteps...

That's cinnamon, that's Hollywood

Random Thought February: GO!

Item: Great names for our new Chief Executive that are more accurate than Barack Hussein Obama.

"Teleprompter Jesus" is pretty good, and has been kicking around since the early days of the campaign. I've been partial to "Uh-Bama" myself, especially since his awful performance at the Saddleback forum. (Which seriously, should have been enough to derail his campaign - if the media was an honest broker. If Howard Dean's girlish yell was enough to end him, then "above my pay grade" is a no-brainer.)
But the best family-friendly nickname I've seen thus far has got to be the one used over at the Jawas' place: Hopey-One Kenobi. Sadly, there's no way in hell I can ever work it into a conversation with any of my friends - the lefty ones or the sane ones. If I'm really slick, I can sneak Uh-Bama by. More accurately, I could have slipped it by in the past, but because they occasionally read this blog, I've got about a month before they're on to me.


Item: Item.


Item: Corporate whores are cashing in on Uh-Bama's campaign logo. Missing: the staggering irony of the logo being designed by rampant Communist propagandists.

Jake Tapper was on Pepsi's case last month. There have been a few other conveniently-timed makeovers, but Pepsi's was the most blatant. I'm not going to go overboard with the histrionics about boycotting Pepsi forever, like some of the more dramatic of the commenters there. I'm reminded of the Pepsi ads Bob Dole did in the late 90s, spoofing his Viagra spots... they were pretty creepy, but more than willing to give a Republican some air time. Apparently they had some non-advertising ties with Richard Nixon as well, when he was Eisenhower's Vice-President, so this can cut both ways.

Most importantly, though, this gives me the chance to re-name the product in my home. And when I re-name something, I make it stick. For example, all chicken nuggets are now called "Danny's Moms." Hastings Video has been called "Baketown" since 10th grade. (you had to have been there, really. Just go with it)
Therefore, Pepsi shall now be known as "The Audacity of Coke."


Item: ITeM


Item: Redneck cars.

I've seen a shitty car along my drive home from work a couple times. Usually he's going the same way I am, so I've never been able to put a finger on why this car stands out. It's one of a good two dozen shitty cars I see coming to and from my job. Admittedly, it's easily in the Top 5, but still...
Anyway, I finally saw this car coming towards me and I was awestruck with a vision of Neckness. Like a heavens opening up, choirs of angels (singing "Git-er-dun," but all angelic-like) and a light shining down type of vision. The car is a rusted-out Chevy Cavalier looking P.O.S. with a fat yellow racing stripe on the hood. A hand-painted yellow racing stripe. Apparently, with house paint, because it's as matte a finish as I've ever seen.
As cool as that ad I linked makes the Chevy look, when you take it off the set of The Running Man, and the Ron Perlman lookalike with the weird remote control goes home, and you let it sit on cinder blocks for like 25 years... it's pretty much a piece of crap.

But still, that's one badass racing stripe... if you're drunk or something.


Item: I-TIM.


Item: Miz Ann's post today on re-purposing her blog.

I'm wit'cha, sista. The official blog of Hammistan here has seen some lean times. Seriously, you can see all the way back to July on the front page. I've been trying to get my blog-juice up and flowing again, but it doesn't really seem to be sparking. I don't know if I'm getting much more critical of myself as a "writer" or if I'm just running out of stuff to write. I've started to write a couple of posts now, only to scrap them after a half-hour or so.
Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty of things I'd like to say. I've got LOTS of wrong-headed shit I could rail against. I just don't see it being all that effective, especially as regards the apathy I mentioned in my post last month. Doubly so, given all the blog-generosity I've gotten in the last few months - thanks to all those folks, you know who you are.

On the other hand, maybe I'm subconsciously scrubbing my online presence in case I run for office myself. It's not like I need a future opponent finding this blog and running negative ads about my "dead" sister, orange snot, or voting for my penis. Hmmm... I'm not really helping my alternate-future candidate self with this, am I? Anyway, it's something I've thought about... after all, the next Presidential Election will see me finally over 35, and thus eligible. So I've got to get started on voting "Present" and doing nothing in the Senate for a couple years, right?

Maybe I'll start a little smaller. See about the School Board, or State House... maybe start networking with the Tea Party folks.


Item: I should stop with the "Item: Item" gag, no? Well, I'll think about it.

That's great, it starts with an earthquake

Hey there everyone, it's your old pal Stew here. I figured I'd put in one last post before the end of the world new age of plenty tomorrow. I guess we'll call it Random Thought Apocalypse Awesome-calypse.


$43 million price tag for a Presidential inauguration: shameful and ostentatious.
$150+ million: Your Patriotic Duty to watch as we all Move On Up to the East Side!


I spent most of yesterday with my parents, specifically shopping for an iPod with my mother, and giving her a guided tour of iTunes. Best Buy didn't have any of the 2 Gig Shuffles in stock, so rather than let her listen to the salesguy suggest that she try back in a week or so, I asked "Why, when we can buy one for less across the street?" (at Wal-Mart) He beat a hasty retreat.
What's especially frightening about the experience is that when my parents went home, they took 2 bigass boxes full of my CDs with them, to rip songs for the new Shuffle that they'll be purchasing at their local Wal. I just just know I'm going to start hearing stories about my Mom jogging to Master of Puppets, or Oingo Boingo.
Frightening. This, too, is another sign of our impending destruction free unicorns and hope-a-palooza!


I went shopping for a new book this month. I know, I know, what right do I have to start reading a book, when I've yet to complete Moby Dick? Well, it was free, and uh... it was free. Courtesy of a holiday gift from my sister, the former Ms. Hamm (now Mrs. Hamm-Unrai) who was brutally murdered a few years ago before her wedding in the Virgin Islands. I chose David McCullough's 1776, which I've been wanting to get for a while now. I'm way past Chapter 4, by the way (sorry Mr. Melville)
Also, it was nice to see everyone again, including our newest addition, lil' Hammlet (or Hamm-Unrai-let if you want to get technical about it)


Speaking of Crispmess presents, I got my special ladyfriend this game. We saw it in one of those "edumacational" stores (that also happen to sell all kinds of awesome Hello Kitty merch) a couple years ago, and haven't been able to find it since. Now: Mission Accomplished.


Like our good friend Patrick, I've been completely apathetic about the avalanche of sewage and horror cavalcade of love and change that's passing for current news. Honestly, I cashed in my concern when the second round of bailout begging started up last fall. The whole manufactured "Bailout Crisis" goes against any rational economic theory, which completely invalidates the last 4, 5, ??? years I spent at Hammistan U. earning my Economics degree.
I'm real happy about that, by the way.


Really happy.


Yeah, I think I'm gonna go have a drink before I start thinking about it too much. Peace out, homeskizzles. (or is that raaaacist?)

Its fun to lose and to pretend

I don't suppose any of you would believe that it's (Extremely) Random Posting Day, would you?

No, I didn't think so.

Regardless, if Rachy can finally get up off her ass and start posting again, then I can't really make excuses for not following suit, can I? Unfortunately, after almost two month of blog-silence, I really don't have anything much to say. I've spent all my time holding on to my school schedule with both hands, and just trying to pass. It's my last semester at good ol' Hammistan U. and I've wisely saved some of the most difficult courses for last. On top of that, EVERY class in my major has some sort of group project that's due right about now. I've got 5 projects in 4 classes, and just finding time to meet with all these people is making me batshit crazy. But hey, in about two weeks, I'll get a sheep's ass with my name written on it that says I've done gradurbated. It's SO worth it... or something.

Anywhom, that's my excuse for not posting more often. It almost sounds believable, doesn't it? As far as you know, it is!

But I digress. On to the random posting.

I've noticed that when I drink coffee-flavored drinks (e.g. Slim Fast, or Frappuchinos) that my piss smells strongly like coffee. This isn't really anything odd - a google search will confirm that lots of people go through that. However, when I drink actual coffee... my piss just smells like piss.
Weird, huh?

My Cowboys picked up Pacman Jones from Tennessee this week. I guess they finally ran out of regular uniforms, and needed to get someone who would be comfortable in an orange jumpsuit. The best part is that in another 5 years or so, that will be the 'Boys official "Throwback" Uni.
Hah. I kid, I kid. Still, I've gotta love Pacman for keeping my favorite Cowboys joke relevant:

How is it that Jerry Jones can always find a seat on the bench when he's sideline at a game?
He sneaks up behind the players sitting down and says "Will the Defendant please rise."

~sigh~

In a perfect world, clowns like Pacman would be the Hot Pretzel guy, and Dat Nguyen would still be on the field tackling guys like a fuckin' freight train.

Voices in your body coming through on the radio

There are times when each of us is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Hell, one can't have spent as much time in kollij as Diva or I have and not run across one or two subjects that make one's brain crazier than a fish with titties.

Letting Iranian "President" AchingForJihad tour Ground Zero and pay his respects to... whomever he saw fit? Crizzazzy.

OJ staging a stick-up? Pretty fucking crazy.

But this guy? He's got retard-strength crazy coming out his ears. Seriously, he makes all my previous Big Dumb Sheep posts seem like Graduate Theses by comparison.

A man in Oregon nearly died after a pet rattlesnake that he put in his mouth while drinking with some friends bit him inside his throat. Matt Wilkinson said when he put his eastern diamondback rattlesnake down his throat, he immediately noticed a shot-like sensation.

Wilkinson, who nearly died from the incident, is still recovering from the bite."They said I had enough venom in me to kill between 12 and 15 people," Wilkinson said.

But the money quote, containing the world-caliber stupid is saved for the very end:

"I still love snakes but I will take a little more care in handling them," Wilkinson said. "It is kind of my own stupid fault."

Just "kind of" your fault, there, Professor? Not maybe, say, "entirely" or "unequivocally" or "abso-fucking-lutely" your fault?

Good Lord, how is it statistically possible that this Ralph Wiggum wannabe hasn't walked in front of a bus?

I wish I had a nickname like Crusher, Snake or Kenneth

Random Thought Thursday strikes again. This time, it's so random, it's not even on Thursday!

First off, I'm glad to see that "Mark's" legal troubles are... ahem... behind him.

More importantly, though, is that if I ever have a kid, I'm going to nickname him or her "Yard Dog." Or "Bush Ape." I'm not for sure which one I'll go with, but definitely one of those two.
Seriously, though, how cool would it be the only kid in second grade with a nickname like "Bush Ape?" All the TJ's and the JR's that were at the top of the nickname heap when we were kids can suck it, because my kid Yard Dog owns them!
You know, Yard Dog and Bush Ape are such awesome nicknames, that I'm going to stick with them even if I have a daughter. OK, sure, she'll have to toughen up a bit if she's gonna be called Yard Dog, but I think she'll find it useful later on in life. No quarterback's going to try getting grabby on a date with my daughter Bush Ape, that's for damn sure.
The one area where I foresee problems is if I adopt a baby from China or Korea. Every nerd in the herd will spooge all over himself if he got within the same zip code as a hot Asian girl named Yard Dog.

Hmmm. I need to balance this out so it's not so obvious that I just wanted to riff on a couple of sweet nicknames I thought up. So here's one for the road: Given the massive dye job that Osama's got in his new video, is it racist for me to wonder if he used "Just For Men?"

But you're mistaking speed for getting what you need

I've been struck by the inspirationy goodness of Hillbilly Mom's Random Thought Thursday posts, so here I am back again to blog you like a hurricane. In fact, I've got so much inspiration, I just invented the word "inspirationy.")

So anyway, earlier this week I was driving home from work when I saw a red Ford Explorer driving through Hammistan. It had special edition Mississippi plates that said "Support Petal Schools," which naturally made me think of our friend Meanie. I naturally wondered out loud if that was Mr. and Mrs. McTimmslastname ahead of me, but then I thought "nah, she was supposed to be working today."

Then again, I've learned a thing or two during all this time that I've read her blog. I immediately came back with "You know... she could be making a break for it."

P.S. Hillbilly Mom, you might want to keep a better eye on your significant other. Sounds to me like he's been up to a shenanigan or two.