Find a blank spot on my wall and put a plaque to it

So yeah, I'm alive. But also, I come bringing wisdom... or something.
Actually, it's not very wise... but it's got 80s references and lots of foul language, so it should satisfy my core demographics.

So last night my special lady fucking ladyfriend and I were discussing various things, when she mentioned that a friend of hers had no idea that He-Man and She-Ra had their adventures on different planets. Wisdom ensued thusly:

Her: A friend of mine didn’t know that He-man and She-Ra didn't live on the same planet.

ME: of course they lived on different planets - they have different genders. It's like a Mars / Venus thing... only with shitty, unimaginative toys, and cheap animation that cut every corner possible.

Her: Interesting analysis. So, were there no men, other than evil ones on Etheria?

ME: I mean, seriously ... didn't your pal ever wonder why She-Ra never showed up to help fight off Skeletor? Look, if He-Man went through all that effort, day after day, week after week, yet was constantly letting Skeletor slip through his grasp... She-Ra comes off looking like a selfish, lazy bitch.
Like Prince Adam was calling her up every other day all "Hey She-Ra, it's me, He-Man. Look, Skeletor captured my friend Teela again, and I'm about to head out to rescue her."
And she’s all "Mmm-hmmm, yeah make it fast, He-Man, I just got the Season 3 DVD set of 'Desperate Housewives' and that's pretty much takin' up my weekend here..."

Her: “I'm just gonna chill in the Crystal Castle...”

ME: "So, anyway... I was thinking that since Skeletor and I are pretty evenly matched, and you're pretty much as powerful as I am - you know, for a girl. But if you were to lend a hand, we could probably defeat him... or at least drive him off and force him into hiding for a very long time."

"fuck that, Adam. That sounds like work. These DVDs ain't gonna watch themselves, you know."

"I... see..."

Her: Maybe she was having her period...or a slumber party or something. Maybe she was having a bad hair day...

ME: for like 3 years?

Her: Well, a lot of things could happen... She could have been retaining water so her tights didn't fit… Swift Wind could have been being stubborn… Glimmer may have broken up with her boyfriend… Shit happens.

ME: Swift Wind needed to get fucked good and hard... maybe by an elephant.

Her: Swift Wind had a mate.

ME: That doesn't change my point one bit.

Her: They had a foal even

ME: Raped. By an elephant. Violently.

Her: Wow, what did Swift Wind ever do to you?

ME: Swift Wind was an imperious prick.
Sure, I get that they couldn't make him a complete pussy like Cringer... you know, because that would have been even more of a blatant rip-off of the original cartoon. (and also because little girls like horses so much because they kindof want to fuck them, so he had to have some redeeming qualities, like being smart and shit - but I digress)So rather than being too on-the-nose, they went the complete opposite way with Swift Wind. Into a giant prick.
Which, now that I mention it, also dovetails nicely into the whole “wanting to get fucked by a giant horsecock” thing... but again, I digress.

ME: ...

Her: You are nuts

ME: What? What did I say that's so wrong?

Her: Just your outrageous hatred of an animated horse. That’s nuts. Also, little girls DO NOT want to fuck horses.

ME: What, was I wrong about She-Ra not wanting to help save Teela, because they were like friends or something? Because I'll admit I didn't see every episode, so they could have gone to the mall together, and bonded as girls, and been BFF Jills.
Or did she have a beef with the Sorceress, for not friending her on Facebook, and doesn’t believe her bullshit excuse about “Oh, I accidentally clicked the wrong button. If you send it again, I’ll totally friend you.”
Still, I think my larger point stands.

Her: She-Ra was in a parallel universe fighting the rebellion. What exactly did you want her to do? She got in her own tight spots from time to time...you didn't see he-man jumping through the dimensional portal every five minutes.

ME: Which is why your friend’s stupid for not realizing they were from different planets.

Some people just can't be reasoned with, I guess.

I'm trying not to try too hard

Thirty. Minutes. Remaining.

I'm not going to do
A haiku for Kevin Brauch
or allllllll the judges.

(or did I just do that anyway?)

Alton Brown
Hare from the hat of
The Nerd Circus Ringmaster
Yet his hair recedes.



Michael Symon
The bane of all swine
Chops, Hocks, Ribs, Cheeks, Feet, BACON
New kid on the block

Michael Symon (Alternate Version)
Pork Pork Pork Pork Pork
Bacon Pork Pork Bacon Pork
Bacon Bacon Pork



The Chairman!
Icy glare, piercing souls
Moving at the speed of sound
Thank you for your meal

So there you have it, Blog-merica. My Iron Chef America tribute. And while it may not score the full 15 points for plating, it did give you something to do for five minutes or so... so win-win, right?

My head, my head won't rely

I don't know about you, but I think I've been watching a bit too much Food Network. You see, the time has come once again to answer that age-old question: Who's been up too late watching re-runs?

This is: Iron. Blog. Hammistan!

A delectable Japanese tradition has taken root in Hammistani soil. We have been graced with our very own Blogging Stadium, where our lethargic and twisted Chairman has brought together the pungent flavors of Lame Humor and The 1980s. It is here, where the best of the only from around my living room meet and fact the ultimate challenge - the challenge of thinking of something to post.

We shall see if I, whom usually blogs from the comfort of my sofa can you face the torment of Blogging Stadium. Thus, let the battle BEGIN! But there is one more ingredient to this battle... our secret ingredient. The Theme on which our Iron Blogger will offer his succulent variations. Today's secret ingredient is...

BABIES!!


er... I mean,

HAIKU!

So now, Hammistan, with an open heart bypass, and a stomach full of limes, green soda, and God knows what else, I say unto you in something resembling the words of The Chairman: Allez Griffonner!

Mario Batali
Rolling out noodles
With orange Crocs and an orange beard
Dances with tuna




Cat Cora
Empress of Fusion
Magic with disp'rate flavors
Ouzo shots all around




Masaharu Morimoto
Our elder statesman
Knives fly and sushi is rolled
Gagged by voiceover




Bobby Flay
A smarmy jackass
Puts blue corn in everything
America's Iron Cook



(Not so fond of the Flay, am I?)

So as not to completely blow my wad on one gi-normous post, I'll save the rest of the Iron Haiku competition for later on this week. That way, I can loaf off for a couple days without feeling like a lazy sack of crap for neglecting the blog. You guys should be thankful that I'm so considerate, ya know.

There's one for you, nineteen for me

Right. So here we are again... I've gone off and disappeared for a week or so, and now I come crawling back hoping you'll glance into this dusty little corner of your bloglife and take notice.

Or whatever.

Anyway let's pretend that I haven't blogged in a while because I've been spending all my time watching Andy Barker, PI. I'm not going to pretend that it's Earl-caliber or anything, but you could do a lot worse with your time.
For instance, you could be watching this:



I think I've proven my point.

Incidentally, if you're like me and have internet access, then you can watch a bunch of episodes online here. Instead of sitting through a bunch of lameassed ads for used cars and Head-On, you only have to watch the occasional (extremely loud) Turbo Tax spot.
A fun thing to do, if you like is to watch tonight's episode like 47 times and then go over to a friend's house and say all the dialogue along with the show. Then, they'll think you're psychic and you can con them out of their money and/or Civil War chess set.

Make sure you watch the right episode, though, or they won't fall for it when you're putting their chess set inside your coat. It's pretty embarrassing... trust me on this.