It's pudding time children.

Election night is upon us, and I have but one thing to say:

I wanna dip my balls in it!

For anyone who doesn't remember the early '90s, this might jog your memory:

Get More:
MTV Shows

Season ticket on a one-way ride

Let's call this the obligatory "Osama is dead" post.

Much better coverage is available all over the internets. Washington Post, of all places, has a good writeup of the breakdown... although, I have two GLARING criticisms.

1. They just can;t help their petty little liberal hearts, but they have to get in a dig at President Bush, and the fucking "Mission Accomplished" banner at his speech marking the end of major combat operations in the invasion of Iraq - a war they spent barrels of ink telling us had nothing to do with 9/11 and Osama. Now, of course, when they can contrast it against Obama to make him look like some sort of conquering hero, they'll trot that out for one more haggard lap.

2. Wa-Po mentions the September 11 attacks NINE TIMES before a short list of the other terror attacks bin Laden was involved in planning. Sadly, at least those twisted news goblins even deigned to mention that the US isn't the only country in the world that's suffered attacks from AQ. There's the London and Madrid train bombings, the attack on the USS Cole, the embassy bombings in Tanzania and Kenya, not to mention the thousands of innocent civilians butchered by AQ in Iraq and Africa - most of whom are Muslims.

Did anyone hear Obama issue a peep about any of those horrible events, or even mention the countless blood and treasure that our numerous allies have given up to bring that evil bastard to justice? Because I sure as hell didn't.

Since actual gratitude from President "Look at ME!" won't be coming any time soon - if ever, I'll take it upon myself to send out thanks to all of the servicemembers around the world who contributed in ways large and small to bringing about this day.
Those who lost troops:

United States: 4,436
United Kingdom: 179
Italy: 33
Poland: 23
Ukraine: 18
Bulgaria: 13
Spain: 11
Denmark: 7
El Salvador: 5
Georgia: 5
Slovakia: 4
Latvia: 3
Romania: 3
Estonia: 2
Thailand: 2
Australia: 2
Netherlands: 2
Kazakhstan: 1
South Korea: 1
Hungary: 1
Czech Republic: 1
Azerbaijan: 1

Those who also sent troops:
* Moldova: 24 peak
* Albania: 240 troops
* Japan: 600 troops
* Tonga: 55 troops
* Singapore: 175 offshore
* Bosnia and Herzegovina: 85 peak
* Armenia: 46 troops
* Norway: 150 troops
* Portugal: 128 troops
* New Zealand: 61 troops
* Philippines: 51 troops
* Honduras: 368 troops
* Dominican Republic: 302 troops
* Nicaragua: 230 troops
* Iceland: 2 troops
* Macedonia: 77 peak
* Mongolia: 180 peak

Most of these nations didn't have the economic wherewithal to prosecute a decade-long war against a shadowy and elusive enemy, and were forced to withdraw their forces. But there are those who stood fast, and saw that they had the ability to fight, and that they had a duty to humanity to see bin Laden brought to justice, or at least to bring justice to him.

And so they did.

Some of those nations listed above lost their nerve when the going got rough. Some of them gave in to fear, and attempted to bargain with the terrorists when their troops were captured. While I don't blame the individual troops for the actions of their governments, it definitely cheapens their service, and takes the dignity and pride of service away from those who served. Benjamin Franklin said it best: "They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Fortunately for the rest of the free world, their betters stood ready to defend the rest of us, regardless of the cost.

One last thing. bin Laden is but one man. Sure, he was the head of the organization, and obviously well-connected and in a good deal of control of their operations, but even with him gone, the fight is far from over. Iraq remains a struggling democracy - though one with citizens fiercely committed to its success. The legions of purple-fingered civilians who turn out for elections there, despite very real threats to their lives and livelihoods are nothing short of amazing. They make the same sacrifices now that American colonists did during the Revolution, and for largely the same reason.
Afghanistan is still a basket case. Much of the population still regards bin Laden as a folk hero, and may never hear of his death, or may not believe it to be true. That country has a long climb out of its self-imposed islamic stone-age into the modern world... and until the people can see concrete improvements in their lives, they won't buy-in to jettisoning the Taliban. Granted, they can't buy-in to the modern world if they get shot for flying kites or listening to music.

The road ahead is rough, but our steps are lighter upon it today. Today we can celebrate.

I wanna situation, but don't wanna stop

I discovered the Twitter hash tags #imaletyoufinish and #nobelol this morning. I don't really remember anything after that until sunset...
After today, I'm going to Vegas. I think by the time I get there, they'll have an "Obama" space on the roulette wheel.

That's cinnamon, that's Hollywood

Random Thought February: GO!

Item: Great names for our new Chief Executive that are more accurate than Barack Hussein Obama.

"Teleprompter Jesus" is pretty good, and has been kicking around since the early days of the campaign. I've been partial to "Uh-Bama" myself, especially since his awful performance at the Saddleback forum. (Which seriously, should have been enough to derail his campaign - if the media was an honest broker. If Howard Dean's girlish yell was enough to end him, then "above my pay grade" is a no-brainer.)
But the best family-friendly nickname I've seen thus far has got to be the one used over at the Jawas' place: Hopey-One Kenobi. Sadly, there's no way in hell I can ever work it into a conversation with any of my friends - the lefty ones or the sane ones. If I'm really slick, I can sneak Uh-Bama by. More accurately, I could have slipped it by in the past, but because they occasionally read this blog, I've got about a month before they're on to me.


Item: Item.


Item: Corporate whores are cashing in on Uh-Bama's campaign logo. Missing: the staggering irony of the logo being designed by rampant Communist propagandists.

Jake Tapper was on Pepsi's case last month. There have been a few other conveniently-timed makeovers, but Pepsi's was the most blatant. I'm not going to go overboard with the histrionics about boycotting Pepsi forever, like some of the more dramatic of the commenters there. I'm reminded of the Pepsi ads Bob Dole did in the late 90s, spoofing his Viagra spots... they were pretty creepy, but more than willing to give a Republican some air time. Apparently they had some non-advertising ties with Richard Nixon as well, when he was Eisenhower's Vice-President, so this can cut both ways.

Most importantly, though, this gives me the chance to re-name the product in my home. And when I re-name something, I make it stick. For example, all chicken nuggets are now called "Danny's Moms." Hastings Video has been called "Baketown" since 10th grade. (you had to have been there, really. Just go with it)
Therefore, Pepsi shall now be known as "The Audacity of Coke."


Item: ITeM


Item: Redneck cars.

I've seen a shitty car along my drive home from work a couple times. Usually he's going the same way I am, so I've never been able to put a finger on why this car stands out. It's one of a good two dozen shitty cars I see coming to and from my job. Admittedly, it's easily in the Top 5, but still...
Anyway, I finally saw this car coming towards me and I was awestruck with a vision of Neckness. Like a heavens opening up, choirs of angels (singing "Git-er-dun," but all angelic-like) and a light shining down type of vision. The car is a rusted-out Chevy Cavalier looking P.O.S. with a fat yellow racing stripe on the hood. A hand-painted yellow racing stripe. Apparently, with house paint, because it's as matte a finish as I've ever seen.
As cool as that ad I linked makes the Chevy look, when you take it off the set of The Running Man, and the Ron Perlman lookalike with the weird remote control goes home, and you let it sit on cinder blocks for like 25 years... it's pretty much a piece of crap.

But still, that's one badass racing stripe... if you're drunk or something.


Item: I-TIM.


Item: Miz Ann's post today on re-purposing her blog.

I'm wit'cha, sista. The official blog of Hammistan here has seen some lean times. Seriously, you can see all the way back to July on the front page. I've been trying to get my blog-juice up and flowing again, but it doesn't really seem to be sparking. I don't know if I'm getting much more critical of myself as a "writer" or if I'm just running out of stuff to write. I've started to write a couple of posts now, only to scrap them after a half-hour or so.
Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty of things I'd like to say. I've got LOTS of wrong-headed shit I could rail against. I just don't see it being all that effective, especially as regards the apathy I mentioned in my post last month. Doubly so, given all the blog-generosity I've gotten in the last few months - thanks to all those folks, you know who you are.

On the other hand, maybe I'm subconsciously scrubbing my online presence in case I run for office myself. It's not like I need a future opponent finding this blog and running negative ads about my "dead" sister, orange snot, or voting for my penis. Hmmm... I'm not really helping my alternate-future candidate self with this, am I? Anyway, it's something I've thought about... after all, the next Presidential Election will see me finally over 35, and thus eligible. So I've got to get started on voting "Present" and doing nothing in the Senate for a couple years, right?

Maybe I'll start a little smaller. See about the School Board, or State House... maybe start networking with the Tea Party folks.


Item: I should stop with the "Item: Item" gag, no? Well, I'll think about it.

That's great, it starts with an earthquake

Hey there everyone, it's your old pal Stew here. I figured I'd put in one last post before the end of the world new age of plenty tomorrow. I guess we'll call it Random Thought Apocalypse Awesome-calypse.


$43 million price tag for a Presidential inauguration: shameful and ostentatious.
$150+ million: Your Patriotic Duty to watch as we all Move On Up to the East Side!


I spent most of yesterday with my parents, specifically shopping for an iPod with my mother, and giving her a guided tour of iTunes. Best Buy didn't have any of the 2 Gig Shuffles in stock, so rather than let her listen to the salesguy suggest that she try back in a week or so, I asked "Why, when we can buy one for less across the street?" (at Wal-Mart) He beat a hasty retreat.
What's especially frightening about the experience is that when my parents went home, they took 2 bigass boxes full of my CDs with them, to rip songs for the new Shuffle that they'll be purchasing at their local Wal. I just just know I'm going to start hearing stories about my Mom jogging to Master of Puppets, or Oingo Boingo.
Frightening. This, too, is another sign of our impending destruction free unicorns and hope-a-palooza!


I went shopping for a new book this month. I know, I know, what right do I have to start reading a book, when I've yet to complete Moby Dick? Well, it was free, and uh... it was free. Courtesy of a holiday gift from my sister, the former Ms. Hamm (now Mrs. Hamm-Unrai) who was brutally murdered a few years ago before her wedding in the Virgin Islands. I chose David McCullough's 1776, which I've been wanting to get for a while now. I'm way past Chapter 4, by the way (sorry Mr. Melville)
Also, it was nice to see everyone again, including our newest addition, lil' Hammlet (or Hamm-Unrai-let if you want to get technical about it)


Speaking of Crispmess presents, I got my special ladyfriend this game. We saw it in one of those "edumacational" stores (that also happen to sell all kinds of awesome Hello Kitty merch) a couple years ago, and haven't been able to find it since. Now: Mission Accomplished.


Like our good friend Patrick, I've been completely apathetic about the avalanche of sewage and horror cavalcade of love and change that's passing for current news. Honestly, I cashed in my concern when the second round of bailout begging started up last fall. The whole manufactured "Bailout Crisis" goes against any rational economic theory, which completely invalidates the last 4, 5, ??? years I spent at Hammistan U. earning my Economics degree.
I'm real happy about that, by the way.


Really happy.


Yeah, I think I'm gonna go have a drink before I start thinking about it too much. Peace out, homeskizzles. (or is that raaaacist?)

While you rid the world of your every sin

So... the election, eh? Yeah, I suppose I should say something or other about that.

Some states are red
Some states are blue
It doesn't really matter
Because we're all getting screwed.
(Burma Shave)

Or perhaps, you'd prefer the classy, haiku version:

Say, is this the line
for bread, or perhaps for gas?
Hooray for HopeChange!

Or is that somehow racist to bring up Soviet-style rationing lines?
These hipster douchebags don't seem to think so.



I'll grant you that they have a different opinion about them than I do. That's easy to do when you've never had to live through it. I hope that magic unicorn you voted for makes you feel good enough to last you the next four years, beatniks.

I am the shadow on the moon at night, filling your dreams to the brim with fright

Happy All Hallows' Eve, you guy(s). Been a while since I've posted anything, but then there's really not much to speak of that's going on in West Hammistan these days. I'm working two part-time jobs to pay my bills, while I'm busy looking for a real actual professional job. That's going like gangbusters, by the way... Thanks, Barney Frank!

So I've been hanging at my pad, giving out candy - and band aids, in one case - to the kids stopping by. Later on, I'm going to watch The Thing (easily one of the scariest movies I've ever seen. Also one of the coolest.) and then stay up all night playing X-Com.

Good times, eh?

After-action report: Costumes were a little disappointing this year. Last year, a kid built his own robot costume with metal hoses and crap. Had working lights and everything. Didn't see him this year, or if I did, he was another of the faceless hordes of Clone Troopers that darkened my door. (though in retrospect, if all those kids had planned being Clone Troopers together, that would have been an awesome concept.)

There was a big mob of rude kids, most of whom were dressed in nothing more creative than an old football jersey. (with players from like 10 years ago - seriously, a Cowboys jersey with Joey Galloway's name on it!) Listen kid, don't just grab a half-ass costume off your closet floor and think it entitles you to a handful of my Skittles. I'm not O'Bambi here, kid. I'm not going to be spreading any of my milk-chocolatey wealth around if I don't have to. In fact, I'm pretty bitter about clinging to my religion, guns, and nougat.

In more positive news, there was a little girl with a pretty good pirate outfit. Her brother was dressed as a ninja. I'm not sure if I should be extremely impressed, or extremely nervous that they're aware of the inter-tron's pirates vs. ninjas meme. For the record, neither one of them killed the other while they were at my house. I'll look for swaths of destruction and blood-drenched houses after dawn.