You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.

... Well, shit.

The only thing I've got is an old line from Carlin - before his entire act became a bitter rant about G-d.
"Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that."

I'mma try to crawl into bed, and not into a bottle. I'll let you know if I was successful in about 7 or 8 months, judging by my past blogging performance.

Forever in peace may you wave

It's Flag Day once more, and time for my annual (and brief) reminder to fly it properly or don't fly it at all:

FLY or DIE!

Yes yes, it seems I'm the Vexillophile version of P. Diddy... hard to believe that title was yet unclaimed, wasn't it? Well it's all mine, suckaz! Also, I'd like to point out that my annual reminder was as brief - if not moreso - as advertised. Just another way in which you can place your complete trust in any and all content you read here at Scotland of the Soul.

But I didn't really post today to talk about flags. I posted today, as I do every year, to give a shout out to my blog-homey Rachy. Though it's been quite a while since she last made an appearance in blogdom, she's still good people. Well... as good as can be expected for someone descended from deported criminals.

My monkey butler Brian Dennehy screwed up again and he’s sorry - UPDATED!

Turning away from political matters now, a story crossed my path that I just HAD to comment upon. It comes from Springfield, MO, which I'm thinking is making a dedicated run at being declared the weirdest (or dumbest) city in America.
Recall earlier this year the reports of innocent civilians getting waylaid by a crafty door-to-door tattoo artist and his homemade tattoo gun? Yep, that was Springfield. So, now, courtesy of the KC Star, comes their latest bid for the title:

A southwest Missouri woman has sued Wal-Mart, local health officials and Cox Health Systems, claiming they discriminated against her and her monkey named Richard.

Because it's vitally important to the story for the readers to know the name of the monkey.

Debby Rose of Springfield...

No, the other monkey.

said in the lawsuit that the 10-year-old bonnet macaque helps curb a social anxiety disorder that can cause her to have panic attacks in public.

Health officials in 2006 sent letters to restaurants and grocery stores, advising them not to let Rose in with the monkey.

Well, there's some Grade-A crackerjack advice for you right there: Don't let any wackjobs into your store if they're toting around an effin' monkey... especially if it's named Richard.

Although, I'm torn on this issue. I think if I had to be waiting for hours in a hospital, or other fun bureaucratic-type environment, I'd really enjoy watching a loon struggle to keep her masturbating, feces-flinging monkey from going out of control. Especially if it's wearing a cute little hat.

----

UPDATE: Obviously, stories found online don't last forever so it's no surprise that the KC Star link is now dead. Not to fear though our intrepid friend, The Rachy, is on the case! She goes internet mining, and comes up with gold: a link to FoxNews's coverage - with a picture! I sincerely hope that Richard wasn't a Buddhist in a previous life... because it must have been horrifying to come back and be that crackpot's pet monkey.

FREE RICHARD!

You really need the gold that you've thrown away

Yeah, I've gotten busy with the arrival of the new year. I'm finally in my final semester at Hammistan U. (home of the fightin' Hamhocks!) but in order to gradurbate, I've had to nearly double my usual course load. I also wisely saved some of the most difficult classes for last, so you can imagine the demands upon my time. Thankfully, I've got my priorities straight, so here I am blogging again...
Anyway, that's not what I logged in tonight to tell you about. I actually dropped in to spread the word that there's been another odd disturbance in the state of Misery Missouri. Courtesy of Mark comes this latest possible sighting of Hillbilly Mom's Hillbilly Husband:

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. -- Some women in Springfield are regretting their decision last week to get a tattoo from a door-to-door tattoo salesman. At least one person had to be hospitalized and the others face serious health risks.
Friday night, a man knocked on doors holding a tattoo gun and offering his services. Tamra Eason described the tool as homemade, but still agreed to pay for a tattoo. So did two other women in her apartment complex.
"It was wrapped with black tape, had a pin underneath it, had fishing wire going through it, you could tell it was a homemade gun," Eason said.

The article goes on to dish out plenty of practical advice, such as:

"Getting a tattoo is like a wound. There's a risk of disease that may be long term or life threatening. It's a serious decision," said Jaci McReynalds, with the Greene County Health Department.

It's so much like a wound, that needles repeatedly pierce your flesh at high speeds. No, seriously, you guys, it even says that on wikipedia!
Finally, there's this lil' gem:

"Beware of deals in parachutes, brain surgery and tattoos," said Miller Cotton, a tattoo parlor owner.

Sadly, this dude turns out to be the brightest bulb in the bunch... except maybe for the mystery tattoo artist, who has thus far eluded capture while assisting three fools bid their money adieu.

There are, of course, some who will doubt that HH is behind this incident, but they don't read this blog, so the hell with them. Should you encounter one of those unfortunate souls as you go about your daily affairs, simply remind them that it is well-documented that HH has two families, which reside in DoNotLand and Diva Country, respectively. Springfield, as any map will attest, is located right upon the main thoroughfare between these two families... so obviously what happened was that while in transit between his families, HH ran short of gas money for one of his finely-crafted automobiles, and had to improvise his way out of the predicament.

I don't think it all rash to predict that HH will open a tattoo parlour in his Mini-mansion sometime in the near future. Buyer beware.

Voices in your body coming through on the radio

There are times when each of us is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Hell, one can't have spent as much time in kollij as Diva or I have and not run across one or two subjects that make one's brain crazier than a fish with titties.

Letting Iranian "President" AchingForJihad tour Ground Zero and pay his respects to... whomever he saw fit? Crizzazzy.

OJ staging a stick-up? Pretty fucking crazy.

But this guy? He's got retard-strength crazy coming out his ears. Seriously, he makes all my previous Big Dumb Sheep posts seem like Graduate Theses by comparison.

A man in Oregon nearly died after a pet rattlesnake that he put in his mouth while drinking with some friends bit him inside his throat. Matt Wilkinson said when he put his eastern diamondback rattlesnake down his throat, he immediately noticed a shot-like sensation.

Wilkinson, who nearly died from the incident, is still recovering from the bite."They said I had enough venom in me to kill between 12 and 15 people," Wilkinson said.

But the money quote, containing the world-caliber stupid is saved for the very end:

"I still love snakes but I will take a little more care in handling them," Wilkinson said. "It is kind of my own stupid fault."

Just "kind of" your fault, there, Professor? Not maybe, say, "entirely" or "unequivocally" or "abso-fucking-lutely" your fault?

Good Lord, how is it statistically possible that this Ralph Wiggum wannabe hasn't walked in front of a bus?