This witness was injured and overthrown away

All of you multitudinous readers (all both of you, in fact) who also happen to keep track of events in Hillmomba, and whatever shithole Miz Ann is living in now will doubtless be aware of the current competition between Missouri and Mississippi to determine which state is king of the rednecks.

I don't know if Missiouri can come back from the devastating one-two combination laid out this week...

First up is the fake klansman on Facebook:

An African-American man has pleaded guilty after being accused of impersonating a white supremacist in a fictitious Facebook account to make death threats against an African-American university student.

Dyron L. Hart, 20, of Poplarville, Mississippi, admitted creating the fictitious account in November, pretending to be a white supremacist outraged by the election of Barack Obama as the nation's first African-American president, the statement said.

Followed by America's Most Incompetent Yokels!

Police had been watching Vincent Goff for years, convinced he was the masked man who sexually assaulted couples at gunpoint on the Mississippi coast. But before investigators closed in, they say Goff picked the wrong victim and was beaten nearly to death with his own rifle.

Goff allegedly approached a man and woman last Thursday afternoon on an isolated logging road in Harrison County and forced them into the woods with a rifle, Sheriff's Maj. Ron Pullen said Wednesday.

They were forced to strip off their clothes and told to perform sexual acts when the male victim, described as a physically fit member of the military in his mid-30s, wrestled the gun away.

"He beat him until the stock broke over his head and then continued to beat him until he thought he had him incapacitated," Pullen said.

I really want to know how that played out... "It puts its clothes on the ground, and hey, ow dammit!"

Stay tuned to see if Missouri and their jury-rigged auto jacks can stay in the fight!

Our mum, she's so house-proud

Our good friend (and champion blogger) Mrs. Hillbilly Mom recently wrote about her woes of paying the taxman. Apparently she's not renting enough, or something. Now, I am anything, if not helpful, so I thought I'd publicly offer Mrs. HM some free advice... like "news you can use," or something:

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom can go live in a cave.

I mean that in the nicest sense, of course. These folks out in Festus built their home in a cave, so why not Mrs. Hillbilly Mom? At one point the intrepid cave-dwellers were trying to sell the home on eBay, because apparently they were targeted by a predatory lender, or sabre-toothed tiger, or something. The story is unclear on the precise details, but I suspect mastodons may also be involved somehow.

You be the judge:

Fine country livin'

Anyway, I bet that tucked away in the Spendulus bill, a clever accountant can find an earmark or two for cave-folk. Hell, they've got money for Neanderthals like AmTrack and Chrysler, why not money for people living like actual Neanderthals?

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom could build her cave home a good sight cheaper than the visionaries in Festus, what with already employing an experienced home MiniMansion builder. This thing was built out of dozens of sliding glass doors and spare plywood, and Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has told us all about the plethora of unused auto glass (and autos) she has lying about. I'm sure there are plenty of spare power tools to be found in Hillmomba, lying out in the road, even! She even has the land... once the corpses are cleared out of her sinkholes, that is. It sounds practically shovel-ready, don't you think?

Once the "Spelunker's Biltmore" is built, I've also thought of a foolproof way to see it increase in value. Aside from their current projects of raising chickens and "free" potbellied pigs, naturally. All Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has to do is give the Pony a big box of crayons and tell him to go crazy on the walls. It'll be like Lascaux, only better, because it won't smell like moldy old French dudes, or stinky cheese... theoretically, at least.

If you'll just hold on for one more second

Guess what, everyone? It's "Random Discussion Tuesday!"

So if you're not regular readers of the Hillbilly Mansion, then you won't be aware that Hillbilly Mom dedicated an entire post to me and a comment I made regarding where to assign credit/blame for the state of the economy. This is, of course a signal honor, considering that it's not a political blog. I would have replied in the comments , but I wanted to include some text formatting and a graph. (thanks, Dr. Stapp!) So if this sort of thing interests you, you'll first want to read up on her post, so you know where we all stand.

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An entire post dedicated to me? Gosh, I'm flattered. (I'm sure the Economy is flattered as well) Now, while my main point was that assigning all blame to one party for the state of the US economy is hardly fair, I'm happy to reply to your answer.

To start with, you are entirely correct that the Democrats have not had a veto-proof majority for the past 6 years. They still have control over committees, where legislation is drafted, and the legislative calendar, which determines the bills that will be debated on the floor. So let's keep in mind that every bill voted on by Congress has already passed a Democrat-controlled committee of both houses, and the Democrat leadership's legislative calendar of both houses.
This, of course, does not actually prevent Congress from passing laws and forcing the President to veto them - a useful tactic as it puts the President on defense for his veto, rather than pressure on Congress for failing to act. But you can imagine how many more Democrat-preferred spending and economic bills make it to the floor than do Republican-preferred bills.
Naturally, the President can only sign or veto bills that actually get to his desk. He doesn't have any power to draft laws himself, and must depend on Congress to author responsible laws based on solid economic principles (and good luck with THAT, no matter who's in power)
If a bad law was signed, then I think that equal blame must be shared by the Democrat-led Congress that wrote it, and the President who signed it. Again, that's all I asked.
So, are you saying that there are some bills that would have strengthened the economy that President Bush vetoed, but shouldn't have? I'd be interested to hear your take on his very few exercises of the veto.

Moving on, I do indeed recall two government shutdowns (of "non-essential employees") during the 90s. As I remember it, Congress passed budget bills that weren't big enough for your man Bill. Bill wanted to spend more money, and raise taxes along to way to make sure that he could do it.
The Republican-led Congress refused, and let the government's authorization to spend money expire. There may have been other times prior to this when this happened, but my political memory only goes back so far - to the mid 80s. This particular time I remember well because I wondered why the hell the government was employing those people in the first place if they were non-essential.

As to our comparative educations in History, I'll take a pass on that. My schooling in US Government came primarily from my creepy 9th grade teacher Mrs. Eichmann, who always had a big smile on her face, regardless of how gruesome the subject was. Stalin? Viking Wing Death? It's grins all around from Mrs. E.
I'll also have to skip over your unemployment office experience, since you didn't say when it happened or for how long. It wouldn't be gentlemanly of me to ask a lady to supply such salacious (what a great word that is) things as dates and times.

I really like your National Debt chart though. Granted, it's from a politically biased source, (an LA County Democrat Party) so it should be discounted out of hand, and we should go look up the raw data ourselves. As we both have important things to do like watch Food Network and Ice Road Truckers, let's just assume that their data is accurate and move on.
This graph really cuts to the core of my (and the Economy's) point made in the earlier comment. Replace all the labels that refer to the party of the President in power, with the party in control of Congress, and we see a very different graph. Practically all of the large increases in the debt occur under Democrat-controlled Congresses, and the period of reduction in debt increases occur during a Republican-led Congress.



So when we assign some blame to the branch of government in which spending originates, it's not so clear-cut, is it? As my Congressionally-labeled graph shows, 9 of the 10 largest increases occurred under Democrat-led Congresses. (1985, 1990-1993, 2003-2006) 10 out of 10, if we include 2007, which does not appear on this graph. Incidentally, the NEW Records! that the Gardena Valley Democrats thought were so important to mention all happened under Democrat Congresses as well.
It's also important to note that this is a graph of INCREASES to the debt. Notice that not once does it ever decrease. Ever.

I've been dirt poor through both Clinton and Bush, though I've never felt poor enough to say I was "penny pinching." There was economic growth during both periods, but how it was reported by the media is mainly what makes people feel about good or bad economic times. Regardless, our individual experiences are statistically insignificant when talking about something as massive as the largest economy on the planet.

I'm with you on BO, though. I get lost trying to keep up with what he believes from day-to-day. About the only thing that's stayed consistent is that any criticism of his proposals or personal deficiencies is "a distraction from the issues" or "isn't helping [Michelle Obama's] kids."
If BO's like me, and can't stand the liquid annoying-ness that oozes off of Lindsey Buckingham, then I don't blame him for taking a pass on the Mac. If he's looking for a song from the era, I'd suggest Journey's "Any Way You Want It."

"Any way you want it
Thats the way you need it
Any way you want it"

There's a bunch of stuff in there about lovin' touchin' and/or squeezin' (hey, they should have written a song about that stuff too) but the BO-centric part gets mentioned over and over. I'm sure that makes me and Journey (and possibly the Economy, too) a bunch of racists.

You really need the gold that you've thrown away

Yeah, I've gotten busy with the arrival of the new year. I'm finally in my final semester at Hammistan U. (home of the fightin' Hamhocks!) but in order to gradurbate, I've had to nearly double my usual course load. I also wisely saved some of the most difficult classes for last, so you can imagine the demands upon my time. Thankfully, I've got my priorities straight, so here I am blogging again...
Anyway, that's not what I logged in tonight to tell you about. I actually dropped in to spread the word that there's been another odd disturbance in the state of Misery Missouri. Courtesy of Mark comes this latest possible sighting of Hillbilly Mom's Hillbilly Husband:

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. -- Some women in Springfield are regretting their decision last week to get a tattoo from a door-to-door tattoo salesman. At least one person had to be hospitalized and the others face serious health risks.
Friday night, a man knocked on doors holding a tattoo gun and offering his services. Tamra Eason described the tool as homemade, but still agreed to pay for a tattoo. So did two other women in her apartment complex.
"It was wrapped with black tape, had a pin underneath it, had fishing wire going through it, you could tell it was a homemade gun," Eason said.

The article goes on to dish out plenty of practical advice, such as:

"Getting a tattoo is like a wound. There's a risk of disease that may be long term or life threatening. It's a serious decision," said Jaci McReynalds, with the Greene County Health Department.

It's so much like a wound, that needles repeatedly pierce your flesh at high speeds. No, seriously, you guys, it even says that on wikipedia!
Finally, there's this lil' gem:

"Beware of deals in parachutes, brain surgery and tattoos," said Miller Cotton, a tattoo parlor owner.

Sadly, this dude turns out to be the brightest bulb in the bunch... except maybe for the mystery tattoo artist, who has thus far eluded capture while assisting three fools bid their money adieu.

There are, of course, some who will doubt that HH is behind this incident, but they don't read this blog, so the hell with them. Should you encounter one of those unfortunate souls as you go about your daily affairs, simply remind them that it is well-documented that HH has two families, which reside in DoNotLand and Diva Country, respectively. Springfield, as any map will attest, is located right upon the main thoroughfare between these two families... so obviously what happened was that while in transit between his families, HH ran short of gas money for one of his finely-crafted automobiles, and had to improvise his way out of the predicament.

I don't think it all rash to predict that HH will open a tattoo parlour in his Mini-mansion sometime in the near future. Buyer beware.

Good Heavens, Miss Akimoto... you're beautiful!

So I'm perusing my blogroll, catching up on reading after being offline for a day, and I see that Hillbilly Mom has issued another one of her Trivia Challenges in which commentors take on the role of the (allegedly) reality-challenged Mabel and attempt to provide answers to trivia questions that do not actually help Hillbilly Mom's team in the contest, because nobody has a chance to write down the wrong answers on their official entry form. (by the way: Longest. Sentence. Ever.)
Sooo, long story short, nobody was able to step up to the bat in yesterday's Science round. Ah well, never send a boy to do a Hamm's job... You can clearly see that by their complete lack of attempt to answer HM's questions, my fellow commentors have conceded this contest to me. Now, I could be a bastard and -- following the standard protocols of poker -- either outright refuse to show you my hand, or make you pay to see the cards I'm holding... but instead, I shall rise to the challenge and lay out my answers anyway. As Paul Anka said so well, it's time to put you all some fucking knowledge!

For your own edification, the questions (and my answers) are as follows:

Hillbilly Mom's SuperDuper Science Quiz Thingy

1) Who decreed that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction?
Many people believe it was Olivia Newton-John who best explained the workings of the universe with her "You have to believe it's magic" theorem, but Sir Isaac Newton put paid to that hogwash.

2) Who was the scientist who studied genetics using pea plants. Hint: It wasn't Punnett. He's too square.
Gregor Mendel of course. It's a dead giveaway, because anyone who can only manage to become famous for wasting his life getting pea-stink on his hands would have a sissy name like "Gregor."

3) What is the main difference between magma and lava?
Magma is a Sagittarius, who's into herbal remedies, tantric meditation, and Pilates. Her turn-offs include people that don't use coasters and men who smoke in public places. Lava is Magma's twin sister, only she's "out" on the Earth's surface... ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkthatyoudo.

4) What makes some atoms more stable than others?
Therapy. Years and years of therapy.

And also, how many neutrons they've acquired in their nucleus (possibly from doing the Neutron Dance) and what isotope they feel like wearing on that particular day.

5) Would you like to drop a chunk of potassium in the bathtub? Why or why not?
Would I like to? Oh HELL yes. If I got it on tape, I'd be a YouTube legend like the Diet Coke and Mentos guys... I just wouldn't do it in my own bathtub, as potassium (or any other alkaline metal for that matter) is highly explosive when combined with water... which the question didn't specify, but I'm assuming is what HM was driving at.

6) Where are phalanges found?
Most people will find phalanges at the end of their hand and foot stumps. However, based on the tales you have told about your DoNots, your guess is as good as mine as to where they'll turn up.

7) Who or what performs transpiration?
In Heaven, there's not a lot to do most of the time, so God had an idea that he and all the angels should get some regular exercise. At first, they tried Tae-Bo, but really, who wants to spend eternity with Billy Blanks? After that, they all got into a good high-energy spinning class, and were really able to work up a sweat. This Divine perspiration is referred to by theologians as Transpiration. (I could Google current prices for vials of Transpiration on the web, but that would be cheating.)

8) Why are there no old crack wh*res? OK, that's not really a science question, but I heard it on Intervention, and thought this was a good chance to use it.
You all know how hard it is out here for a pimp, right? What with picking up their Academy Awards and whatnot? Well, it's that much harder to be a ho -- nappy-headed, crack, or otherwise. Just ask Don Imus about it; he's all over that story.

9) A calorie is the amount of e_____ necessary to raise the temperature of one gram of w_____ one degree C_______.
Is this like that old mimeographed "funsheet" they passed out in 5th grade where most of the words were represented by just the first letter? e.g. 4 Q in a G, 8 S on a S S, and 200 D for P G in M. Well I don't have the time or energy for that tomfoolery, since I've got all this water I'm trying to heat up by one degree Centigrade . (cuz' I don't roll wit dat Fahrenheit mofo, you dig?)

10) Name 3 of the 6 types of simple machines.
It's the 21st century now, HM. Nobody uses those old politically incorrect terms like simple machines anymore. In order to boost their self-esteem, we prefer to call them "special machines" or "super-duperly capable machines." All the young impressionable levers, wheels, and inclined planes will thank you for it.

There you have it, rubes my very good friends. Bask in my knowledge of... (say it with me now) SCIENCE!