Friday, April 13, 2007

Good Heavens, Miss Akimoto... you're beautiful!

So I'm perusing my blogroll, catching up on reading after being offline for a day, and I see that Hillbilly Mom has issued another one of her Trivia Challenges in which commentors take on the role of the (allegedly) reality-challenged Mabel and attempt to provide answers to trivia questions that do not actually help Hillbilly Mom's team in the contest, because nobody has a chance to write down the wrong answers on their official entry form. (by the way: Longest. Sentence. Ever.)
Sooo, long story short, nobody was able to step up to the bat in yesterday's Science round. Ah well, never send a boy to do a Hamm's job... You can clearly see that by their complete lack of attempt to answer HM's questions, my fellow commentors have conceded this contest to me. Now, I could be a bastard and -- following the standard protocols of poker -- either outright refuse to show you my hand, or make you pay to see the cards I'm holding... but instead, I shall rise to the challenge and lay out my answers anyway. As Paul Anka said so well, it's time to put you all some fucking knowledge!

For your own edification, the questions (and my answers) are as follows:

Hillbilly Mom's SuperDuper Science Quiz Thingy

1) Who decreed that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction?
Many people believe it was Olivia Newton-John who best explained the workings of the universe with her "You have to believe it's magic" theorem, but Sir Isaac Newton put paid to that hogwash.

2) Who was the scientist who studied genetics using pea plants. Hint: It wasn't Punnett. He's too square.
Gregor Mendel of course. It's a dead giveaway, because anyone who can only manage to become famous for wasting his life getting pea-stink on his hands would have a sissy name like "Gregor."

3) What is the main difference between magma and lava?
Magma is a Sagittarius, who's into herbal remedies, tantric meditation, and Pilates. Her turn-offs include people that don't use coasters and men who smoke in public places. Lava is Magma's twin sister, only she's "out" on the Earth's surface... ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkthatyoudo.

4) What makes some atoms more stable than others?
Therapy. Years and years of therapy.

And also, how many neutrons they've acquired in their nucleus (possibly from doing the Neutron Dance) and what isotope they feel like wearing on that particular day.

5) Would you like to drop a chunk of potassium in the bathtub? Why or why not?
Would I like to? Oh HELL yes. If I got it on tape, I'd be a YouTube legend like the Diet Coke and Mentos guys... I just wouldn't do it in my own bathtub, as potassium (or any other alkaline metal for that matter) is highly explosive when combined with water... which the question didn't specify, but I'm assuming is what HM was driving at.

6) Where are phalanges found?
Most people will find phalanges at the end of their hand and foot stumps. However, based on the tales you have told about your DoNots, your guess is as good as mine as to where they'll turn up.

7) Who or what performs transpiration?
In Heaven, there's not a lot to do most of the time, so God had an idea that he and all the angels should get some regular exercise. At first, they tried Tae-Bo, but really, who wants to spend eternity with Billy Blanks? After that, they all got into a good high-energy spinning class, and were really able to work up a sweat. This Divine perspiration is referred to by theologians as Transpiration. (I could Google current prices for vials of Transpiration on the web, but that would be cheating.)

8) Why are there no old crack wh*res? OK, that's not really a science question, but I heard it on Intervention, and thought this was a good chance to use it.
You all know how hard it is out here for a pimp, right? What with picking up their Academy Awards and whatnot? Well, it's that much harder to be a ho -- nappy-headed, crack, or otherwise. Just ask Don Imus about it; he's all over that story.

9) A calorie is the amount of e_____ necessary to raise the temperature of one gram of w_____ one degree C_______.
Is this like that old mimeographed "funsheet" they passed out in 5th grade where most of the words were represented by just the first letter? e.g. 4 Q in a G, 8 S on a S S, and 200 D for P G in M. Well I don't have the time or energy for that tomfoolery, since I've got all this water I'm trying to heat up by one degree Centigrade . (cuz' I don't roll wit dat Fahrenheit mofo, you dig?)

10) Name 3 of the 6 types of simple machines.
It's the 21st century now, HM. Nobody uses those old politically incorrect terms like simple machines anymore. In order to boost their self-esteem, we prefer to call them "special machines" or "super-duperly capable machines." All the young impressionable levers, wheels, and inclined planes will thank you for it.

There you have it, rubes my very good friends. Bask in my knowledge of... (say it with me now) SCIENCE!

Labels: , , ,


Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

If those confounded teammates of mine had only ceased their yammering for a minute, perhaps I could have written the right answer by the right number. And then we would have TIED our main opponent, because I still would have overruled the yammerers' right answer with my wrong one. Because I could.

Well, now...I will give you a 70%. Which I believe is good enough to win this round. Good thing I bet the Mansion on YOU, Stew.

Perhaps you should do a bit more studying on the crack whores and stability. And don't 'leaf' out the transpiration education.

8:13 PM, April 13, 2007  
Blogger Stewed Hamm said...

Crack whores and stability are polar opposites. One cannot reasonably expect to study both simultaneously. It would be like trying to study Sonic Cherry Diet Coke and peas...

My, that's a rather revolting image, isn't it? I think I'll quit this comment while I'm ahead.

4:27 AM, April 14, 2007  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I can't thank you enough for that horrifying flashback to my childhood 'pea incident'.

2:48 PM, April 14, 2007  

Post a Comment

<< Home