Go to the top of your highest mountain!

So it's Independence Day again. Happy 234th birthday, America!

First off, while I've always loved this holiday - pool parties, homemade ice cream, fireworks and parades - it really is a great time for kids. Now with the formalities out of the way, lemme get right in to what I came here to bitch about tonight:

What I can't stand, is the damn redneck yahoos that insist on shooting off fireworks all fucking night. You know, I'm glad that us Colonists defeated Britian - hell, if we hadn't pulled it off, I'd be speaking English today! Still and all, you know there's kids trying to sleep, and people that have to go to work in the morning.

But hell, don't let that stand in the way of you blowing shit up at 3 am. No, no, no keep it up. You know, why don't I go get my Mossberg and show you assholes some real fireworks?

Happy Independence Day to the rest of you.

You can see them walking Southward in their dirty underwear

Breaking news in the great Missouri vs. Mississippi redneck contest: It's broken into a three-way tie, as Tennessee makes a play for glory!

Man awakened in ditch with moonshine and rifle

ATHENS, Tenn. (AP) -- When Ricky Butler went to sleep on a rural, East Tennessee roadside, he didn't have to worry about comfort but apparently he was feeling insecure. McMinn County deputies found the 31-year-old Decatur man sleeping on his back in a roadside ditch, with a loaded rifle on his chest and an almost empty jar of moonshine in the bib of his overalls.

Butler told deputies who woke him up Sunday that he didn't know where he was. He also told them the jar had been full.

Deputies said Butler also had a machete and hand-rolled cigarettes believed to be marijuana.

Because really, a loaded rifle can only take you so far down the insanity turnpike. To get to your final destination, you simply must bring a machete!

The almost empty jar of moonshine is a really nice touch, too. It shows he's an experienced redneck - in case he starts to sober up and recognize where he is, the solution to his problem is jsut one swig of corn-squeezins away!

This witness was injured and overthrown away

All of you multitudinous readers (all both of you, in fact) who also happen to keep track of events in Hillmomba, and whatever shithole Miz Ann is living in now will doubtless be aware of the current competition between Missouri and Mississippi to determine which state is king of the rednecks.

I don't know if Missiouri can come back from the devastating one-two combination laid out this week...

First up is the fake klansman on Facebook:

An African-American man has pleaded guilty after being accused of impersonating a white supremacist in a fictitious Facebook account to make death threats against an African-American university student.

Dyron L. Hart, 20, of Poplarville, Mississippi, admitted creating the fictitious account in November, pretending to be a white supremacist outraged by the election of Barack Obama as the nation's first African-American president, the statement said.

Followed by America's Most Incompetent Yokels!

Police had been watching Vincent Goff for years, convinced he was the masked man who sexually assaulted couples at gunpoint on the Mississippi coast. But before investigators closed in, they say Goff picked the wrong victim and was beaten nearly to death with his own rifle.

Goff allegedly approached a man and woman last Thursday afternoon on an isolated logging road in Harrison County and forced them into the woods with a rifle, Sheriff's Maj. Ron Pullen said Wednesday.

They were forced to strip off their clothes and told to perform sexual acts when the male victim, described as a physically fit member of the military in his mid-30s, wrestled the gun away.

"He beat him until the stock broke over his head and then continued to beat him until he thought he had him incapacitated," Pullen said.

I really want to know how that played out... "It puts its clothes on the ground, and hey, ow dammit!"

Stay tuned to see if Missouri and their jury-rigged auto jacks can stay in the fight!