I've got all the patterns down, up until the ninth key.

Just a quick note to all of my daily reader:

You may not realize it, but today is the 30th anniversary of the release of the Pac-Man arcade game. While he's been joined in arcade form by his lovely bride, son, super-powered alter-ego, and a host of pathetic retreads, the original will always be loved and adored by many a fan.

Google, of course has a doodle honoring Mr. Man up today. Typically, these things are kindof lame, because it's usually "celebrating" some boring poet nobody's ever heard of, or some crap like that... but Pac-Man finally gets one in the "W" column for the cool guys.
Super Bonus fun-time: The Google logo is a fully-playable version of the game. Enjoy!

I'm trying not to try too hard

Thirty. Minutes. Remaining.

I'm not going to do
A haiku for Kevin Brauch
or allllllll the judges.

(or did I just do that anyway?)

Alton Brown
Hare from the hat of
The Nerd Circus Ringmaster
Yet his hair recedes.



Michael Symon
The bane of all swine
Chops, Hocks, Ribs, Cheeks, Feet, BACON
New kid on the block

Michael Symon (Alternate Version)
Pork Pork Pork Pork Pork
Bacon Pork Pork Bacon Pork
Bacon Bacon Pork



The Chairman!
Icy glare, piercing souls
Moving at the speed of sound
Thank you for your meal

So there you have it, Blog-merica. My Iron Chef America tribute. And while it may not score the full 15 points for plating, it did give you something to do for five minutes or so... so win-win, right?

My head, my head won't rely

I don't know about you, but I think I've been watching a bit too much Food Network. You see, the time has come once again to answer that age-old question: Who's been up too late watching re-runs?

This is: Iron. Blog. Hammistan!

A delectable Japanese tradition has taken root in Hammistani soil. We have been graced with our very own Blogging Stadium, where our lethargic and twisted Chairman has brought together the pungent flavors of Lame Humor and The 1980s. It is here, where the best of the only from around my living room meet and fact the ultimate challenge - the challenge of thinking of something to post.

We shall see if I, whom usually blogs from the comfort of my sofa can you face the torment of Blogging Stadium. Thus, let the battle BEGIN! But there is one more ingredient to this battle... our secret ingredient. The Theme on which our Iron Blogger will offer his succulent variations. Today's secret ingredient is...

BABIES!!


er... I mean,

HAIKU!

So now, Hammistan, with an open heart bypass, and a stomach full of limes, green soda, and God knows what else, I say unto you in something resembling the words of The Chairman: Allez Griffonner!

Mario Batali
Rolling out noodles
With orange Crocs and an orange beard
Dances with tuna




Cat Cora
Empress of Fusion
Magic with disp'rate flavors
Ouzo shots all around




Masaharu Morimoto
Our elder statesman
Knives fly and sushi is rolled
Gagged by voiceover




Bobby Flay
A smarmy jackass
Puts blue corn in everything
America's Iron Cook



(Not so fond of the Flay, am I?)

So as not to completely blow my wad on one gi-normous post, I'll save the rest of the Iron Haiku competition for later on this week. That way, I can loaf off for a couple days without feeling like a lazy sack of crap for neglecting the blog. You guys should be thankful that I'm so considerate, ya know.

Somebody's Broken Heart And A Washed-Out Dream

Things I learned while watching ~15 seconds of the Michael Jackson "Memorial."

• People are stupid
  
• Jermaine Jackson is still alive
  
• People are stupid
  
• Although Michael Jackson did not invent dance fighting, he refined it into the potent martial art it is today - much like Bruce Lee did with Jeet Kune Do.
  
• People are stupid
  
• The whole thing would have been much more interesting if during the performance of Thriller, Mike's corpse rose from the casket, started dancing along with the cast, then proceeded to eat everyone's brains.
  
  • Bonus fact - this particular scenario is equally plausible if Michael is still alive.
• People - as I may have mentioned - are stupid
  
• The word "Shamon" is much like the word "Smurf." Just insert it into any conversation as needed.
  
• People are so very, very stupid.

And I sing the blues on every Decoration Day

I'm not even going to try to write a Memorial Day post in tribute to those that sacrificed everything for freedom. Nothing that shows up on my "infinite monkey" style blog is going to be sufficient to encapsulate the debt we owe those who have gone before us and gave their own lives so that ours would be secure.

Now that the picnics, white sales, and races are over and done with, please don't forget that today - not all those other mundane little things - is when we mark the true purpose of the holiday. So I urge you to make it meaningful. Mainly though, I want to remind everyone flying their flags today of the proper etiquette for the holiday. Many folks don't fly their flags regularly, which is fine, so it's easy to forget that Memorial Day has a special protocol.

From dawn until noon the flag is flown at half-staff out of respect for those who have died. At noon, however, we raise the flag to its full height. Additionally, when first posting the colors, the flag is raised to its full height for a moment then slowly lowered to the half-mast position. If you've already posted your flag incorrectly today, please go correct it. Don't hesitate to politely ask anyone displaying their flag improperly to do so as well. (I'm always reminding the guys at Wal-Mart... it's gotten to the point now that when the manager sees me coming, he doesn't even wait - he pages someone to go out and fix the flag.)

I shouldn't really have to say this, but I know some jack-hole out there is going to try and stir up shit today. Anyone that takes offense at a correction for flying the flag has forgotten the reason we fly it in the first place. The short version is that it's not for any person's indivual pride, it's to show respect for our entire nation - both the institutions and the people... and on this day it's a very specific group of people. So if you're trying to show respect, you're failing to achieve your goal unless you do it properly.