Friday, July 18, 2008

My monkey butler Brian Dennehy screwed up again and he’s sorry - UPDATED!

Turning away from political matters now, a story crossed my path that I just HAD to comment upon. It comes from Springfield, MO, which I'm thinking is making a dedicated run at being declared the weirdest (or dumbest) city in America.
Recall earlier this year the reports of innocent civilians getting waylaid by a crafty door-to-door tattoo artist and his homemade tattoo gun? Yep, that was Springfield. So, now, courtesy of the KC Star, comes their latest bid for the title:

A southwest Missouri woman has sued Wal-Mart, local health officials and Cox Health Systems, claiming they discriminated against her and her monkey named Richard.

Because it's vitally important to the story for the readers to know the name of the monkey.

Debby Rose of Springfield...

No, the other monkey.

said in the lawsuit that the 10-year-old bonnet macaque helps curb a social anxiety disorder that can cause her to have panic attacks in public.

Health officials in 2006 sent letters to restaurants and grocery stores, advising them not to let Rose in with the monkey.

Well, there's some Grade-A crackerjack advice for you right there: Don't let any wackjobs into your store if they're toting around an effin' monkey... especially if it's named Richard.

Although, I'm torn on this issue. I think if I had to be waiting for hours in a hospital, or other fun bureaucratic-type environment, I'd really enjoy watching a loon struggle to keep her masturbating, feces-flinging monkey from going out of control. Especially if it's wearing a cute little hat.


UPDATE: Obviously, stories found online don't last forever so it's no surprise that the KC Star link is now dead. Not to fear though our intrepid friend, The Rachy, is on the case! She goes internet mining, and comes up with gold: a link to FoxNews's coverage - with a picture! I sincerely hope that Richard wasn't a Buddhist in a previous life... because it must have been horrifying to come back and be that crackpot's pet monkey.


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Blogger Marshamarshamarsha said...

And here I thought Oklahoma had some win. Love your stuff.

2:58 AM, July 19, 2008  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

Every time I see some freakish headline, I think, "Please, please don't be from Missouri." The old guy last month who nailed his hat to his head with a nail gun, whose doctor removed it with a claw hammer, was a close call. Technically, he was from Kansas, but went to a Kansas City hospital. So people might have been confused. I'm just using your blog to set the record straight. He wasn't one of ours.

And speaking of Oklahoma...I remember a couple years ago, when I was watching Trauma:Life in the ER, and a young lady Okie was there for breaking her arm. She said she was over at her boyfriend's house, and got to chasing her pet rabbit through his back yard in the dark, and stepped in a sewer hole and broke her arm. Her mother was relieved that the injury wasn't more serious, and told her daughter, "With that medicine, you'll probably fall asleep in the back of the truck on the way home."

Now getting back to the monkey mama...I'm just glad she wasn't tattooed and using that little primate to peddle meth.

4:40 PM, July 20, 2008  
Blogger DeadpanAnn said...

I always hope it's not Mississippi, but when it is MS it usually turns out to be a politician.

SH I couldn't agree more on how happy I'd be to see a woman walk into, oh, I don't know, maybe the DMV, with a monkey on her shoulder. That would certainly take the edge off.

BTW my email address is if you still wanted to contact me.

9:06 AM, July 22, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have had similar experiences here in Australia. I grew up in a regional country town and as most of you know took off when I was 17 to go and live in Germany for one year on exchange, well instead of returning to my hometown I moved to Melbourne to finish my schooling. It was a bit of a joke at my school in Melbourne that I was an educated hillbilly, with an emphasis on the hillbilly part. Nonetheless I will never forget one day that one of my friends came running into the Year 12 common room telling me that my hometown, Bairnsdale, had made the front page of The Age. It had indeed made the front page, for something along the lines of violence and drug abuse among youth.

12:49 AM, September 22, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By the way, how on earth does carrying around a freaking monkey help one with a social anxiety disorder? I'm no expert on social anxiety disorders but wouldn't Richard the monkey draw attention to you?

12:53 AM, September 22, 2008  

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