Just a mirror for the sun

This week I spent an extended amount of time driving across the fruited plain, seeing America... and a bit of the People's Republic of Michigan. So lucky you, you get another lame blog post out of it!

In Rolla, MO, I happened to stop for food at what might possibly be the dirtiest Burger King in the world. There were flies everywhere, and some gigantic Starship Troopers looking bugs in the entryway. I don't even want to know what it was that made the floor feel sticky. To add to the ambiance, there were two California-looking guys sitting by the door talking very loudly about GPS devices and government conspiracies.
I happened to see the two tinfoil-hatters 100 miles down the road when I stopped for gas. I quickly and quietly went inside to escape their harrowing gaze.

That wasn't the worst part about my stopover in Rolla, though. It turns out that the University has apparently bought into some self-esteem crap or something, and changed its name from The University of Missouri-Rolla to The Missouri University of Science and Technology. As acronyms go, "MUST" is a really crappy one. Sure, UMR doesn't mean anything, but everyone knew where you were coming from.
In my book, it's not a good day for the one-time Missouri School of Mines.

With the recent surge of insane behavior from Mississippi, Springfield Missouri may have been slipping in its position as the most bizarre city in America. Fortunately, an incident I witnessed on my trip should firmly valut them back into the top spot.
Now, this didn't happen within the city limits, but I say it still counts... and as I am Judge, Judy, and Executioner for this contest, it counts. So, just outside of town I saw a truck broken down on the Interstate, missing a tire. No problem, the driver of this vehicle probably took it into town to have it repaired... only he wasn't using a standard-issue auto jack to hold up his truck. Oh no, he was showing off his redneck-engineering skills by propping up his crippled truck with the odds and ends he had on hand. Namely, a Bobcat.

Not this kind of Bobcat: (which, admittedly, would have been hella impressive)


But THIS kind:


Way to go, Springfield. Way. To. Go.

I got to stop in Indiana for burgers and Green River soda. As I've mentioned here before, I love Green River like a mother loves her children... maybe, if she were a cannibal mother... OK, so it's not a perfect metaphor. Regardless, I love to drink Green River soda. I managed to down about 6 of them before I felt my kidneys were in mortal danger. THAT was a good day.

I've taken down the link to Fred Thompson's Presidential Campaign... for now. Apparently, there was an election, though I can't quite recall who won. In its place, I've included a link to the site for Teh Fred's radio show. If you don't happen to live in an area that carries his show, then you're definitely missing out - check out his archives, which contain terabytes of full shows, and all sorts of other Fredaica.

I made another Stuckey's Stop!! Huzzah!
In McLean, IL, inside the Dixie Truck Stop, you can find a (pretty sad excuse for) Stuckey's. Well, there was one corner with some pecan logs, and small bit of merch. If there was more cool stuff hanging around there, I sure didn't see it. So, perhaps some signs are in order, guys.
Nevertheless, it counts. Stuckey's FTW!

My monkey butler Brian Dennehy screwed up again and he’s sorry - UPDATED!

Turning away from political matters now, a story crossed my path that I just HAD to comment upon. It comes from Springfield, MO, which I'm thinking is making a dedicated run at being declared the weirdest (or dumbest) city in America.
Recall earlier this year the reports of innocent civilians getting waylaid by a crafty door-to-door tattoo artist and his homemade tattoo gun? Yep, that was Springfield. So, now, courtesy of the KC Star, comes their latest bid for the title:

A southwest Missouri woman has sued Wal-Mart, local health officials and Cox Health Systems, claiming they discriminated against her and her monkey named Richard.

Because it's vitally important to the story for the readers to know the name of the monkey.

Debby Rose of Springfield...

No, the other monkey.

said in the lawsuit that the 10-year-old bonnet macaque helps curb a social anxiety disorder that can cause her to have panic attacks in public.

Health officials in 2006 sent letters to restaurants and grocery stores, advising them not to let Rose in with the monkey.

Well, there's some Grade-A crackerjack advice for you right there: Don't let any wackjobs into your store if they're toting around an effin' monkey... especially if it's named Richard.

Although, I'm torn on this issue. I think if I had to be waiting for hours in a hospital, or other fun bureaucratic-type environment, I'd really enjoy watching a loon struggle to keep her masturbating, feces-flinging monkey from going out of control. Especially if it's wearing a cute little hat.

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UPDATE: Obviously, stories found online don't last forever so it's no surprise that the KC Star link is now dead. Not to fear though our intrepid friend, The Rachy, is on the case! She goes internet mining, and comes up with gold: a link to FoxNews's coverage - with a picture! I sincerely hope that Richard wasn't a Buddhist in a previous life... because it must have been horrifying to come back and be that crackpot's pet monkey.

FREE RICHARD!