Monday, November 29, 2004

You make me sick, Way-oh Way-oh Way-oh

For the last week, I've been slowly coughing up an entire lung. Not a normal, healthy lung mind you, but a tormented diseased creation from some evil genious' laboratory. Of course, that goes without saying, since a normal healthy lung would stay its ass inside my chest cavity where it belongs...

Other than the occasional meandering sentence, all that ever seems to issue forth from my mouth is thick green chunks of mucus. Chunks. As in solid pieces. Crystallized, even - Put them on a novelty ring and sell them in a vending machine.
I'm Phlegmmy McPhlegmmerson over here.

Now, I understand that many loyal readers will be concerned for my health, since those quacks over at the county health clinic won't stop running around screaming about old ladies getting their flu shots long enough to talk to me.
Either that, or you're rooting for me to finally kack off and stop Bogarting the bandwidth my blog takes up.

However you consider it good or not, I'm on the mend today. What was once forest green is now mostly clear, with little pea-sized, pea-colored, phlegm peas. (OK, so that description of my current phlegm status probably wasn't necessary, but then neither was this.) The downside is that it's accompanied by LOTS of coughing, since my body - for whatever reason - isn't fond of snot-goblins hanging around my bronchial tubes.
Ugh, I absolutely HATE coughing. Mostly because my body really seems to get into it.
I can hear my diaphragm saying "Ok, guys, we're going to cough the SHIT out of this one! Ready? One - two - three - make his stomach come out his mouth!"

My body hates me. Seriously. I cough so hard, my vision goes dim and I see stars. The only other time I can recall that happening is on the Batman ride at Great America. (a fucking awesome coaster, by the way. I highly reccomend it.) Why do you think I even have all this phlegm in the first place?

Man, I should have a link for Batman up there... too much crazy shit on the net not to. All the coughy-cough makes it a pain to search out a good one, though. Anyone wanna throw me a bone?

Monday, November 22, 2004

Attack someone and punch them in the face! Riot!

So I went to see the Pacers the other night and the fucking Vibe Awards broke out! *rimshot*

Now that Mr. Robinson has left the neighborhood, is there anyone left in the NBA that isn't an overpaid thug or a wannabe rapper? Seriously. Just one dude that likes throwing a ball at a hoop?
Is there anyone left that still believes in James Naismith?

I highly doubt it. I mean, between Kazaam the Rapping Genie and Hot Kobe Beef, does anyone ever get press for actually playing the game?
Maybe David Stern should put in a call to that "He Hate Me" guy and see if he's available.

Basketball is so fucking dead. At least they bother to play the games though.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

On the inside, we're all the same

Man, are Republicans a bunch of bigoted motherfuckers or what?

The conventional wisdom would have you believing in the core of your heart that every Red State Robot hates everyone that doesn't look and think exactly like them. "Them" being lily-white Jesus Savers, of course. They're all rich beyond belief from exploiting poor blue-collar workers, and the only person of color they've ever talked to was the help.

Naturally, that's why every single one of Bush's new cabinet appointees is another white male fatcat, right? Not exactly.

Actually, not at all. Of the four individuals nominated, there are zero white males. The most talked about nominee of course, is the current NSA, Condoleeza Rice. If confirmed by the Senate, she will be only the second female Secretary of State, and the first black woman to hold the post. She'll also be replacing the first black man to ever hold the post.
The Attorney General nominee is Alberto Gonzales, the current White House Council. (Bush's official lawyer) Mr. Gonzales will be the first Latino Attorney General if he is confirmed.
Moving on to Education, the nominee is Margaret Spellings -- a *gasp* white person!! She's eminently qualified, in most professionals' opinions, as she has been involved in Education policy for almost 25 years now. She would replace Rod Paige, another African American, who incidentally has been demonized by the NAACP for daring to think for himself and not kowtowing to the black "leadership" groupthink.

If confirmed, the new cabinet would break down thusly:
8 Males, 7 White, 1 Latino
6 Females, 3 White, 1 Black, 1 Asian, 1 Hispanic

Hardly a good 'ol boy white-wash, is it? Especially not when you consider that most of the higher-importance positions are held by minorities. Of course, you won't hear that in the watercooler talk at the office, or read it in the letters to the editor. The truth is that people of both sides can be bigoted, often stridently so.
Yes, Democrats can be racist too. They unloaded on Dr. Rice with both barrels just yesterday.

Republicans aren't obviously all bigots, and Democrats aren't all saints. We're all somewhere in the middle there.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Do not wish upon the well, how ripe and sweet the fruit

I've been holding onto this one for a week, not wanting to have the blog degenerate into a tirade against stupid people after my election "coverage." Regardless, it seems that I do this sort of thing well, so expect more of it in the future.

From the Big Dumb Sheep files: (as I've decided refer to all posts regarding mass stupidity)
USA Toady (sic) reported on Nov 2nd about an Alabama toddler that fell into an abandoned well while playing with his siblings. However, instead of being a warm touching Jessica McClure-y type story, the kid was rescued in just 13 hours, forever denying him the chance at being featured in fake porn sites and mediocre Beau Bridges movies.

While I wouldn't wish tragedy on anyone, especially a little kid, when your parents name you Da'jour, you should know you're bound for a bumpy ride through life. Yes, you read that right: he's named "Da'jour."


Da fucking jour. As in "of the day." Naturally it's misspelled, since the kind of person who would have a Kid of the Day isn't likely to be a Rhodes Scholar. More and more, I think Denmark and Germany have the right idea on this issue. (yeah, I just said that. Fucking scary world, eh?) Though thier government name registries can be a little restrictive, (or a lot restrictive in Denmark's case) at the very least the world's best cookie makers recognize that there's some things you just can't name a kid.

Unfortunately, the online USA Toady article is an edited version of the one that originally saw print, which is where I found this tasty article. In the print version, immediately following the paragraph describing the 14-foot well as being "overgrown with grass" was the quote from firefighter Jimmy Brown.
The quote that said "Even the guy who cuts the grass didn't even know about it."
Well no shit. He might have clued into it though if he had bothered to... oh, I don't know... Cut the fucking grass!

Big. Dumb. Sheep.

By the way, how many kids do you have to pump out before you run out of names and just start calling them "Kid of the Day?"

Update - Found the print edition story on USA Toady's site. Not sure how long they archive these things, but here's the link if you're interested.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Murder is like anything you take to

Now that we're rid of Yasser, can Stuckey's finally have their tablecloth back?

If it wasn't for being engrossed in kuh-sai-nai and CBS's jarring interruption of the end, I might not have been able to choke back the vomit at watching the subsequent Arafat love-in that was offered as reporting on his death. It took a few minutes for me to realize that CBS wasn't going to be bothered with objectivity on this report... I guess nobody forged them any documents about Yasser's character flaws. It's not as if it takes a lot of digging to find any of that shit, though. For example: if I have to hear one more time about his Nobel Prize for the Oslo agreement, without any mention of his absolute refusal to implement any of the terms, I may just lose it.
Look, I also go to a lot of drawn-out meetings that end with no results... can I have a Nobel Prize too?

I'm not going to dredge through every moment of the decades of the Israel-Palestine conflict, as this is neither the time nor place for it. There are plenty of solidly researched and well-documented articles that any reference library can point you to. No, Virginia, the first ten links on Google are not a reference library.

Suffice it to say that there's one less terrorist in the world tonight. I'll sleep a little better for it.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Never get angry at the stupid people

I go at a steady clip of one post a week, and now all of a sudden I'm a 2-posts-a-day man. Yes, it's all too true, I've been struck by motivation! Lawd hep me!

Consider this a remnant of my previous attempt to document the stupidity of political commercials. Naturally, today will be the last we see of them for a while, so if I want to remain topical, I'd better get with the typey-type.

Nothing makes me laugh more than the phoney politicians that include in their ads "I'm SoandSo, and I approved this message because I care about helping people and doing politician stuff or whatever." Just once, once, I'd like to see someone say "I'm Honesty McHonestguy, and I approved this message because the FEC won't let me air it without saying this."

As I am quite fond of saying, people are big dumb sheep.

Frustration so bad it makes me cry

I lost about 3 hours of work on a blog about deceptive PAC ads tonight. Thanks, Windows! Unfortunately, I have neither the time nor the paitence to redo it properly. Somewhere out there, all those little electrons that previously composed my post are laughing at me like a digital Bill Buckner. Meh, enjoy the entropy.