Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Big Blogger 2 - Task Quatro Quatro Quatro

I've thought all week about what to do with my redecorating project, and the only images that come to mind involve shouting at people through a bullhorn, and being waaaaay to excited about going to Sears. Frankly, that's just not me. That's nowhere near me, in fact... so let's move on.

The thing is that there's not much that exhibits my particular lack of taste or personal style. Oh sure, there's Dogs Playing Poker - and since Big Blogger seems to be on a trend of removing cyberhousemates with testosterone, the place could use a big dose of quintessential guyness that is Dogs Playing Poker. But one Dogs Playing Poker print does not a whole room make.
So instead of going for a distinct lack of taste and having a mostly empty room, I brainstormed for styles that go a step further and exhibit anti-taste. A firm rejection of the very notion of taste, even... and one thing immediately came to mind: No, not move in with Hillbilly Mom. I'm talking about Tiki.

Yes, Tiki.

That's right y'all, I'm gonna tiki this place the hell up. I'm redoing the whole back porch and yard into a tiki lounge. Put bamboo up on the walls, get some palm leaf print wallpaper, pipe in a corny "island drums" soundtrack, and we're all set. Ring the yard with tiki torches, and some of those citronella candle deals for good measure. Ideally, I'd have a bigass tiki idol toilet, but Cazzie!!! already beat me to the loo, (damn she's fast on these things) so I'll have to settle. Besides, if we can't have a crapper in the kitchen, it won't fly to have one sitting out on the deck either.

Further decor will include a redesign of the pool area. The boring "this is the wall of a swimming pool" type pool walls will have to go. In their place, we'll put in native stone, and sculpt rocks for a natural look. And a waterfall! We'll definitely need a waterfall. In fact I'll add some orange and red lights in the fall to have it look like lava flowing out of an island volcano.
And what tiki lounge would be complete without a hot tub? Not ours, that's for sure. We'll put it in the bowl of the waterfall volcano, for extra style points. Perhaps it could be attended by all the Vargas babes that Mark left hanging around the house... and the warm water will keep the poor dears from catching a chill during the Aussie winter.

One corner of the party deck will need a large Tiki Idol. LARGE. Like 12 or 15 feet tall large. He'll need red glowing eyes - or maybe use some colored plastic wheels so we can change his eye color if we like. And he'll need a name. A good name, mind you. A name that'll strike fear into your heart like Greg Brady in Hawaii... because seriously, nobody's afraid of a vengeful Tiki Idol named "Sheldon."
I'm thinking "Kahuna Dan," myself, though this is subject to change.

To kick off the Tiki party properly, we'll have a bigass shindig and invite over all the cyberneighbors. We'll break out the cut-up cow, ice down some orange soda and at midnight Abe Vigoda will throw someone into our Waponi Woo volcano hot tub.

You know, we'd better have a framed print of Dogs Playing Poker behind the bar. We'd never get Abe Vigoda to show if it's not a classy enough joint to have Dogs Playing Poker.

The Rest of The Usual Suspects:
The Rachy
Hillbilly Mom
Redneck Diva

Previous Big Blogger 2 posts:
Theyyyyyyyy're Mediocre!
Infectious Grooves
The Shame of the Monkeybars
Roses Have Thorns: The Kleenex Box Ode


Blogger Redneck Diva said...

Dogs Playing Poker is SO much classier than a velvet Elvis.

Any time I think of a large Tiki idol I think of "Finding Nemo" and Mount Wannahockaloogie. That makes me giggle.

All those Vargas babes are giving me a complex, btw. Mark needs to pick up his ho's or me and my homegirrrlz are gonna present them with a Van Turkey.

7:18 AM, May 25, 2006  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said...

I love it. I think I'll re-do my new pool area like this. We'll be the classiest joint in Redneckland.

You are quite welcome to move into the Mansion. The garage is available, since I talked HH out of putting the free hairwad hot tub in there. The outhouse is also available, but it is small, and a couple of summers ago, a storm blew the door off. The BARn loft is also uninhabited, if you don't mind hosting a lot of parties.

3:53 PM, May 25, 2006  
Blogger Stewed Hamm said...

I'm sure the accomodations at the Mansion are of the highest order, HM... but does it have Abe Vigoda?

8:36 AM, May 26, 2006  
Blogger Hillbilly Mom said... Abe. He smelled kinda fishy, and I threw him out.

1:24 PM, May 26, 2006  

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