Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Big Blogger 2 - Task <3

Wouldn't you know it... of all the poetic forms, BB drops odes in our laps. I've got zero experience composing odes, and in a few short paragraphs, I'll prove it to all of you. I can do Limericks and Haiku easy as you please, but I'm pants at odes.
Granted, that's not an uncommon skillset to have, I imagine. I'd guess that's why BB went with the ode - any chump can whip up a couple haiku. And there's only so many words that rhyme with "Nantucket," so 86-ing the limerick makes sense as well.

Anyhow, I've tried to start a half-dozen different odes this week, and nothing really works out well enough to satisfy me. My main problem seems to be finding a subject that feels right, for our task is to blog an ode to something we love. I just can't justify "loving" whatever material thing I try to write about, and thus I haven't the heart to turn in a half-assed ode to whatever pops in my head at the last minute... but I fear that's the direction I'm heading here. So what I'm doing is picking something at random and writing an ode about how I don't really love it at all.

Not Necessarily an Ode to My Box of Kleenex

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways, o Kleenex box.
One... two... no wait, not even one.
we both know this isn't love that we're sharing.
One hundred-fourty times per box,
Your heart's desire is never won.

Yet there you wait to caress my schnoz like you always have.
You take all the abuse that I give during allergy season,
when my nose is running like a spout.
Even though you'll comfort me in my times of need
with your enveloping two-ply embrace,
you know I'll just use you up and throw you out.

So why do I do it, Kleenex box?
Why do I treat you like my three-dollar whore?
Perhaps it's because I don't appreciate your embrace.
Or maybe I think we're "just good friends."
But how could I love a doormat, Kleenex,
With all the mucus I've sprayed upon your face?

I think it best that we part ways, dear Kleenex.
The time has come to move out and change your name.
Try "Facial Tissue," or "Puffs," or even "Scott."
Because you've never gotten past the truth of our relationship
Despite all the tears of mine you've wiped away.
Even though you think it's love - it's snot.

Well, there you have it. I wouldn't exactly call it "touching" or "heartwarming," but I could see it being made into one of those Lifetime movies. They'd probably call it "Two-Ply Heartbreak" or "Roses Have Thorns: The Kleenex Box Story," and it would star, like, Justine Bateman and Rue McClanahan.
If that's not good television, then I don't want to know what is!

Oh, and Kleenex Box? Please stop calling me. It's time to move on and live your life. Face it KB, I'm just not that into you.

The Rest of The Usual Suspects:
The Rachy
Hillbilly Mom
Redneck Diva

Previous Big Blogger 2 posts:
The Shame of the Monkeybars
Theyyyyyyyy're Mediocre!
Infectious Grooves


Blogger Rebecca said...

This Is Big Blogger

Your entry for this week has been noted.

5:05 AM, May 18, 2006  
Blogger Redneck Diva said...

LOL I love this!!

I personally love Puffs Plus with Lotion. No regular Kleenex for me, nuh uh.

10:48 AM, May 18, 2006  
Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

Heya Stewed Hamm, I thought you did very well actualy...I couldn't have done that any better (reaching for the box of tissues next to me now..darn it, I'm down to the blue ones..that means there's only 10 left in the box until there will be's making me cry).

5:50 AM, May 19, 2006  
Blogger Cassandra3383 said...

Get over your heartache by finding a real person to love! The kleenex bit was a tad bit creepy. Try webdate*com and I'm pretty sure it'as worth your while.

1:38 AM, August 01, 2006  
Blogger Stewed Hamm said...

I can't get past how nobody's noticed the repeated theme about how I don't love my Kleenex Box at all. Regardless, the whole internet is ablaze with talk about my undying yearning for tissues...
Now I know exactly how OJ feels. (well, except for the part about stabbing people to death)

4:59 AM, August 27, 2006  

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