Thursday, December 01, 2005

So hug it tight and embrace it

Hey there kids, it's your old buddy Stew-nta Claws, back with some more gift giving tips for worn-out holiday shoppers. You'll recall that last time, I suggested a gift more appropriate to adults (while plenty of two-year olds love playing with feces, it's not reccomended to encourage it) so this time I'm plugging a little something for the kids.

The Pseudo Transportation Safety Administration Airline Screener Playset.

While this exercise in bueracratic tedium is a pain in the ass for most travelers, rest assured that it will provide literally tens of minutes of entertainment for your little bastards (and possibly your baby-daddies as well) Still, the set isn't without its flaws, so just to give you a heads up:
Many bloggers have pointed out the lack of removeable shoes makes for a less-than-authentic play experience. Ditto the lack of a No-Fly List. This can be countered by hyping up the fact that the only traveler included is a middle-aged woman. That's right, just like the real TSA screeners, you child can go out of his way to avoid scrutinizing young arab men. Instead, they get to bother Aunt Gladys... huzzah!

Also, astute parents will note the lack of a back room in which Aunt Gladys can be detained and and strip searched. Many children (and Gladys) will be unhappy that dykey female screeners won't have an opportunity to grope her with impunity. She also won't have to cry hysterically as her husband is led away in handcuffs for no apparent reason. And of course, after the child is born, Aunt Gladys also won't be forced to stand behind the magical velvet ropes while her angelic newborn screams her head off as screeners frisk her.
No, none of those wonderful events will be happening to Aunt Gladys because she's the only fucking person flying on a plane today. How many times has that ever happened to you? People, that's never happened to me, and I have my own fucking sled. The main difference is that while the creepy Pakistani guy you're crammed with in coach only smells like a reindeer's ass, I have to ride behind an actual reindeer's ass. Thirteen of them, in fact.
You try enjoying a scenic flight around the world while smelling Vixen's doofballs all night. I'm serious, that girl is like a refinery with the amount of methane she's putting out. She's responsible for enough global warming to turn the North Pole into Myrtle Beach.

Anyway, before I get too bummed out about this and rescind my suggesting it as a gift, I'd like to point out that both screeners come equipped with guns. Big Fucking Guns to waste unruly travelers. (or Aunt Gladys, if you prefer) Do you realize how rare it is to find toys for kids that include guns? Especially realistic-looking ones! Snap this fucker up ASAP, parents... sooner than you think instead of guns, all toy cops will be issued a bunch of Valentine Cards to help perps understand that someone loves them and they should stop pulling heists. Maybe the deluxe sets will have a guitar so they can sing Kum-bai-yah at the station house.

Thanks to Daniel at Concurring Opinions for his great post about this toy, and Michelle Malkin for giving it a well-deserved plug.

Previous Visions of Sugarplums from Stew-nta Claws:
I Shit You Not.


Anonymous rachy said...

and if the li'l tacker gets bored the female screener could always double as a stripper, no? she does have the look... and I go la la la la la she's got the look!

8:53 AM, December 03, 2005  
Blogger Stewed Hamm said...

I bet she could find all sorts of exciting things to do with her handcuffs and that screening wand...
And the metal detector is like having TWO stripper poles in one!

2:21 AM, December 04, 2005  

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