Saturday, December 25, 2004

Most folks call 'em green onions, but they're really scallions

Today, while everyone makes merry and Bing Crosby sings about a blizzard before going home to beat his wife and kids, I come to you to rectify a terrible oversight. Despite all efforts by broadcast television, people are full of holiday cheer amidst a nightmarish onslaught of bad made for TV Christmas movies.
Now I'm not talking about theatrical releases that get re-run on TV, no sir. True, it's easier seeing Dudley Moore dress up like a semi-overgrown child and dole out puce pops to the good little girls and boys on the small screen rather than the large one, but that's a blog for another day. I'm talking about Dyan Cannon and Kris Kristofferson here. LeAnn Rimes and Bernadette Peters. John Schneider, Tom Wopat, and 18 Wheels of "To All a Good Night."

There's a full slate of new ones out this year, but it hasn't stopped you magnificent bastards from gorging on eggnog and blowing chunks all over Old Lady Witherspoon's plastic Frosty the Snowman. God bless you, every one.

What is it with TV Christmas movies, anyway? Why is it that Christmas is perpetually in emminent danger of "not happening" but nobody bothers the other holidays at all? Is it just the time of year that improbable tragedies tend to happen, and Christmas just gets in the way, or is it something more sinister? I think it's the latter, and there needs to be some bad TV movie reparations happening post haste.
Are you with me here people? Hell yesh! We're not going to rest until that truck makes it through the snowdrift / Marjorie safely delivers her baby / A Has-Been celebrity and their B-List friends gather to share poorly scripted banter, and we all learn the true meaning of Arbor Day. Or Flag Day. Even Waitangi Day would be fine by me.

So anyway, Merry Christmas to everyone not involved in television production. Now go kick Lionel Barrymore's ass for screwing over Uncle Billy!


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