Thursday, October 28, 2004

Each time you curse at girls, you curse a little at yourself

Harry H. Frazee must have been a foulmouth extrodinaire. And that's all we're going to mention about that.

What's overlooked in all of this curse hype, is that this is simply another in a long gray chain of shitty days for St. Louis sports. For a baseball town, this is one of the greyest and shittiest (though not the Cheney-est) day of them all. Maybe not the absolute worst, but certainly Top 5. It's Worse than the Greatest Show on Turf's backslide without Mr. Warner, worse than another hockey-less day, (though at least we don't have Keenan lurking around town) and even worse than losing Jack.
You might disagree with me on that last one, but I get the feeling that he'd rather see the Redbirds come out a winner. Besides, he's got a much better seat nowadays. I imagine the concessions are better there as well.

Yesterday was nothing short of a travesty. The winningest team of the season gets swept by arguably the most famous bunch of perpetual losers in American sports history? It's heartbreaking for sure. I wouldn't be surprised if Bill Buckner is sitting in a lawn chair underneath the Arch, pointing and laughing at everyone that walks by. After this many years, he's earned it. And once again, St. Louis gets to play the chump.

Perhaps he could get the Gretz to pull up a seat and share a cold one with him...

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Fix it so you never leave this house of pain!

It was bound to happen eventually... I spend enough time perusing through Di's blog that it was inevitable that I mention "Reality" TV. So if I'm going to do this, let's do it right.
According to Yahoo News (and many a wiseacre in my circle of friends) Court TV apparently has a reality TV show called "House of Clues," in which contestants rummage through your house to figure out who you are. I'm getting a "What's My Line?" meets "Breaking and Entering" kind of thing here. Naturally, I'm not the only one who had no idea this show existed. Many Court TV viewers are also completely in the dark on this one... considering that it's shown in the 3am timeslot. To add insult to injury, the show started its second season this week. What a kickass publicity machine they're running over at Court TV, when you can't get press until you've been on air for a year.
But that's not why I mention this show today. Nope. Typically, this show's existance would be the joke, but lucky you, Court TV's upping the celebrity factor by a millimeter or so for the new season. That's right, celebrity contestants this season will be professional mooch Kato Kaelin, and in-need-of-professional-help Omarosa. I would give a kidney to have my house used for that episode. I imagine it would go a lil sumpin like this:

Fade In on a bigass lie detector sitting in my entryway. Enter Kato and Omarosa. Closeup on both their faces... Exit, stage right. Roll credits.

Damn, I should be in Hollywood.
Or at least in Bollywood... or Dollywood.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

I like Ike! You like Ike! Everybody likes Ike!

So apparently, if you don't vote, P. Diddy is going to kill you. Well damn, Loquiesha. I think that's Puffy's Hummer down the block... I guess we've got to go out to the Piggly~Wiggly and whup up on some hanging chads!

And with that, we conclude the jocular portion of today's post. From now on, I'll be speaking to the many "urban" voters in my vast readership. (If there's one thing I know, it's my loyal fans... Hi Mom.)
The esteemed Mr. Diddy has a point here. Voting is serious business. I wouldn't say that it's potentially fatal, but it's important nonetheless. Unfortunately, that's about all he's got right. I've got another T-Shirt worthy slogan for you to consider:

Don't Vote, Dumbass.

If you truly believe, as P. pretends to, that voting is deathly important, you've already gotten off your duff and educated yourself on the issues and the candidates. If you haven't begun to form an opinion until now, don't delude yourself that you're going to be a pillar of the community by picking names on the ballot at random. If you won't do something as basic as voting until Puffy tells you to do it, then fuck, man... you don't belong anywhere near a voting booth.
Sure, you've probably figured out who you'll vote for in the presidential race. MTV or Forbes can drum their talking points into your skull well enough for the big show, sure. But what the hell do you know about your local races? Puffy isn't going to come down to Kansas and tell you who'll make the best Alderman or JP. They're not sexy-sounding jobs, but they hold a lot more influence over your daily life than Bush or Kerry will.

"Vote or Die" plays well on TV, but then P. Diddy doesn't have to live in the town you fucked up with your uninformed votes. If you want a real choice, then get a newspaper and find out what every candidate stands for.
Otherwise, you need to stay the hell home.

So there you go: My appeal to the death vote... Cue the balloon drop.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

A Smile on A Dog

Without going through all the talk on the cereal boxes, I've come to a major milestone in my life. Yes my friends, I speak of the life-altering moment in one's life when they truly find religion. I know there are many readers out there who will be immediately turned off by this announcement, but my loyal commenters (both of them) will back me all the way.
Don't fear that I won't be able to post as often because it's so hard to type while handling snakes, or that all the poison flavor-aide will go to my head. No, no, friends. I haven't joined some wackjob cult.
I've found a relevant, happenin' religion, as perfect for today's families-on-the-go as it is for all the kids too "cool" for God. No matter who you are, old or young, rich or poor, black, white or green, living or undead,

Banjo loves you.


Yeah, that would have been a much better reveal if I stole some art off the site and slapped it up here... but Rich is a stand-up guy, and doesn't get nearly as much work as he should. Anyway, for those of you who haven't clicked the link yet, we'll wait...

And a little more for everyone on dialup...

Ok then, glad you're back. Wasn't that funny? It's ok, feel free to chuckle amongst yourselves. Yes, there you go, I can hear a few of you in the back there. Behold, I am a wit to be reckoned with!
At the least, it does help to explain the blog's URL. I'm not shy at all about reveling in my dork-dom from time to time. Yeah, I played me some D&D in my teens (and twenties... and last week) I can throw down Star Wars and Monty Python references with the best of them.

I'm also not... hey! Where are you going? No, wait, come back! I can be cool too. Watch:

[Jeremy Piven] Eat it... NERD! [/Jeremy Piven]

Ah, fuck. I suppose that would have been more convincing if I hadn't used fake HTML, eh?