Thursday, January 20, 2011

Find a blank spot on my wall and put a plaque to it

So yeah, I'm alive. But also, I come bringing wisdom... or something.
Actually, it's not very wise... but it's got 80s references and lots of foul language, so it should satisfy my core demographics.

So last night my special lady fucking ladyfriend and I were discussing various things, when she mentioned that a friend of hers had no idea that He-Man and She-Ra had their adventures on different planets. Wisdom ensued thusly:

Her: A friend of mine didn’t know that He-man and She-Ra didn't live on the same planet.

ME: of course they lived on different planets - they have different genders. It's like a Mars / Venus thing... only with shitty, unimaginative toys, and cheap animation that cut every corner possible.

Her: Interesting analysis. So, were there no men, other than evil ones on Etheria?

ME: I mean, seriously ... didn't your pal ever wonder why She-Ra never showed up to help fight off Skeletor? Look, if He-Man went through all that effort, day after day, week after week, yet was constantly letting Skeletor slip through his grasp... She-Ra comes off looking like a selfish, lazy bitch.
Like Prince Adam was calling her up every other day all "Hey She-Ra, it's me, He-Man. Look, Skeletor captured my friend Teela again, and I'm about to head out to rescue her."
And she’s all "Mmm-hmmm, yeah make it fast, He-Man, I just got the Season 3 DVD set of 'Desperate Housewives' and that's pretty much takin' up my weekend here..."

Her: “I'm just gonna chill in the Crystal Castle...”

ME: "So, anyway... I was thinking that since Skeletor and I are pretty evenly matched, and you're pretty much as powerful as I am - you know, for a girl. But if you were to lend a hand, we could probably defeat him... or at least drive him off and force him into hiding for a very long time."

"fuck that, Adam. That sounds like work. These DVDs ain't gonna watch themselves, you know."

"I... see..."

Her: Maybe she was having her period...or a slumber party or something. Maybe she was having a bad hair day...

ME: for like 3 years?

Her: Well, a lot of things could happen... She could have been retaining water so her tights didn't fit… Swift Wind could have been being stubborn… Glimmer may have broken up with her boyfriend… Shit happens.

ME: Swift Wind needed to get fucked good and hard... maybe by an elephant.

Her: Swift Wind had a mate.

ME: That doesn't change my point one bit.

Her: They had a foal even

ME: Raped. By an elephant. Violently.

Her: Wow, what did Swift Wind ever do to you?

ME: Swift Wind was an imperious prick.
Sure, I get that they couldn't make him a complete pussy like Cringer... you know, because that would have been even more of a blatant rip-off of the original cartoon. (and also because little girls like horses so much because they kindof want to fuck them, so he had to have some redeeming qualities, like being smart and shit - but I digress)So rather than being too on-the-nose, they went the complete opposite way with Swift Wind. Into a giant prick.
Which, now that I mention it, also dovetails nicely into the whole “wanting to get fucked by a giant horsecock” thing... but again, I digress.

ME: ...

Her: You are nuts

ME: What? What did I say that's so wrong?

Her: Just your outrageous hatred of an animated horse. That’s nuts. Also, little girls DO NOT want to fuck horses.

ME: What, was I wrong about She-Ra not wanting to help save Teela, because they were like friends or something? Because I'll admit I didn't see every episode, so they could have gone to the mall together, and bonded as girls, and been BFF Jills.
Or did she have a beef with the Sorceress, for not friending her on Facebook, and doesn’t believe her bullshit excuse about “Oh, I accidentally clicked the wrong button. If you send it again, I’ll totally friend you.”
Still, I think my larger point stands.

Her: She-Ra was in a parallel universe fighting the rebellion. What exactly did you want her to do? She got in her own tight spots from time to didn't see he-man jumping through the dimensional portal every five minutes.

ME: Which is why your friend’s stupid for not realizing they were from different planets.

Some people just can't be reasoned with, I guess.

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