potato skins, potato cakes, hash browns, and instant flakes

Well damn. I seem to have gone and missed out on the big Survivor finale. I thought they had a couple weeks left at least... I mean geez, I didn't even hear about ONE person getting voted off. Anyway, What I can piece together from various media quotes paints a pretty wierd picture. What do you guys make of it?

With a gout of questionably-colored smoke, (and I think we all know what that means) Benny, age 16, was declared the winner of this year's season of Survivor. While some events didn't make it into the final cut of the show, rumor has it that Bennie's success was due to his strength in a number of events, including: Tug of War, goosestepping, spearfishing, Jew-baiting, and the three-legged race.
When asked to describe his key to victory, Bennie replied that "mainly it was that I didn't make out with any of the other competitors. Abstinance is apparently a big deal in this year's competition... also, I can molest like three altarboys at a time - that really impressed some of the other guys. It probably made a few of them jealous to boot." Man, Benny you crack us up!
According to his media-relations staff, Benny's immediate future holds (of course) the requisite publicity trip to Disneyland. Other items in his agenda include a guest spot on Montel Williams and a three-episode story arc on "Gilmore Girls." Anonymous sources also have him reportedly planning a side-trip to Bergen-Belsen to "smoke a few for old times' sake" and maybe star in a grainy scheisse video.
Honestly, I'm not surprised in the least, what with his penchant for skimpy red cocktail dresses and oversized hats. This whole thing is almost too on-the-nose.

Congratulations, B-Dawg. Go get yourself some giant-headed costume ass, bro!