Scotland of the Soul

No more can they keep us in. Listen damn it, we will win

2012-01-04T02:38:00.001-06:00

So...
A) I'm alive. Still.
and
B) Looks like Rick Santorum opened up a can of whoop-ass on Mittens in Iowa. At press time here in Hammistan, he's leading in Iowa. Granted, it's only by four - that's 4 - votes, but still... I'm suitably impressed with his performance, to be honest. He's made appearances in every county in Iowa, and at this point, probably qualifies for in-state tuition, should he develop an overwhelming urge to become a Hawkeye.
More so than that, the guy's got ... I dunno ... "pluck" sounds corny, but that's the best word that fits. He's been running an optimistic campaign when nobody's given him much of a chance, and even less credit. So my hat's off to Sen. Santorum for that.

Fox has a great county-by-county map that shows just how vast Santorum's support is throughout the state. It looks a lot like the election maps we see every four years, with vast swaths of red, and blue clusters where cities are.

That being said, Rick's screwed in New Hampshire - that's Mittens territory, with the bluebloods and RINOs. As long as he polls well enough to pace Herr Doktor Paul, he'll be in great shape for South Carolina.

As an aside, I have to say to my reader(s) that this shouldn't be taken as evidence that I'm returning to blogging. This may be a one-off, or this may mean something. Most likely, it's the former. I just don't have spare time sitting around in buckets that I can throw at a blog. My time's already pledged to a much more important project.

Happy New Year to everyone, especially you Iowans - you just might have kept yourself politically relevant for another 4 years. Way to go, corn pirates!

He will raise you up on eagle's wings

2011-05-30T02:38:00.004-05:00

While you're all out getting sheets, cars, and other stuff at fabulous discounts, perhaps it wouldn't be too much trouble to pause today and remember the selfless men and women who sacrificed everything to ensure you had the right to live your lives in freedom.
Many people who only know Memorial Day as having something to do with soldiers will doubtlessly want to thank each one of them they see today. They're not the ones we honor today. They're the ones who are still standing - the ones who remain to carry on the traditions, honor the memories, and finish the missions left by those who fell.
Don't thank the servicemember standing in front of you. Thank his brothers and sisters who aren't there to stand beside him.

I'm reminded of John Magee Jr. today. He was a young American who wouldn't sit idly by while freedom needed defenders in Europe in the days before the United States formally joined the war. He volunteered in the Canadian Air Force, and was soon sent across the Atlantic to England to defend civilization from the Nazis.

He was also a bit of a poet. In his letters home to his family, he would include bits of verse that he was working on. After a high-altitude test flight took him to 30,000 feet in a Spitfire V, he included the following poem in a letter to his parents.

High Flight

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air. . . .

Up, up the long, delirious burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or ever eagle flew —
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

— John Gillespie Magee, Jr

John Magee was killed in a training accident December 11, 1941. He was buried shortly thereafter in the cemetery near the air field where his unit was stationed. He never returned home.

At 3:00 p.m. local time, we pause today in the memory of John Magee, and the many others like him who will forever remain "over there."

As always, please remember to fly your flags properly today.

Season ticket on a one-way ride

2011-05-02T02:38:00.000-05:00

Let's call this the obligatory "Osama is dead" post.

Much better coverage is available all over the internets. Washington Post, of all places, has a good writeup of the breakdown... although, I have two GLARING criticisms.

1. They just can;t help their petty little liberal hearts, but they have to get in a dig at President Bush, and the fucking "Mission Accomplished" banner at his speech marking the end of major combat operations in the invasion of Iraq - a war they spent barrels of ink telling us had nothing to do with 9/11 and Osama. Now, of course, when they can contrast it against Obama to make him look like some sort of conquering hero, they'll trot that out for one more haggard lap.

2. Wa-Po mentions the September 11 attacks NINE TIMES before a short list of the other terror attacks bin Laden was involved in planning. Sadly, at least those twisted news goblins even deigned to mention that the US isn't the only country in the world that's suffered attacks from AQ. There's the London and Madrid train bombings, the attack on the USS Cole, the embassy bombings in Tanzania and Kenya, not to mention the thousands of innocent civilians butchered by AQ in Iraq and Africa - most of whom are Muslims.

Did anyone hear Obama issue a peep about any of those horrible events, or even mention the countless blood and treasure that our numerous allies have given up to bring that evil bastard to justice? Because I sure as hell didn't.

Since actual gratitude from President "Look at ME!" won't be coming any time soon - if ever, I'll take it upon myself to send out thanks to all of the servicemembers around the world who contributed in ways large and small to bringing about this day.
Those who lost troops:

United States: 4,436
United Kingdom: 179
Italy: 33
Poland: 23
Ukraine: 18
Bulgaria: 13
Spain: 11
Denmark: 7
El Salvador: 5
Georgia: 5
Slovakia: 4
Latvia: 3
Romania: 3
Estonia: 2
Thailand: 2
Australia: 2
Netherlands: 2
Kazakhstan: 1
South Korea: 1
Hungary: 1
Czech Republic: 1
Azerbaijan: 1

Those who also sent troops:
* Moldova: 24 peak
* Albania: 240 troops
* Japan: 600 troops
* Tonga: 55 troops
* Singapore: 175 offshore
* Bosnia and Herzegovina: 85 peak
* Armenia: 46 troops
* Norway: 150 troops
* Portugal: 128 troops
* New Zealand: 61 troops
* Philippines: 51 troops
* Honduras: 368 troops
* Dominican Republic: 302 troops
* Nicaragua: 230 troops
* Iceland: 2 troops
* Macedonia: 77 peak
* Mongolia: 180 peak

Most of these nations didn't have the economic wherewithal to prosecute a decade-long war against a shadowy and elusive enemy, and were forced to withdraw their forces. But there are those who stood fast, and saw that they had the ability to fight, and that they had a duty to humanity to see bin Laden brought to justice, or at least to bring justice to him.

And so they did.

Some of those nations listed above lost their nerve when the going got rough. Some of them gave in to fear, and attempted to bargain with the terrorists when their troops were captured. While I don't blame the individual troops for the actions of their governments, it definitely cheapens their service, and takes the dignity and pride of service away from those who served. Benjamin Franklin said it best: "They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Fortunately for the rest of the free world, their betters stood ready to defend the rest of us, regardless of the cost.

One last thing. bin Laden is but one man. Sure, he was the head of the organization, and obviously well-connected and in a good deal of control of their operations, but even with him gone, the fight is far from over. Iraq remains a struggling democracy - though one with citizens fiercely committed to its success. The legions of purple-fingered civilians who turn out for elections there, despite very real threats to their lives and livelihoods are nothing short of amazing. They make the same sacrifices now that American colonists did during the Revolution, and for largely the same reason.
Afghanistan is still a basket case. Much of the population still regards bin Laden as a folk hero, and may never hear of his death, or may not believe it to be true. That country has a long climb out of its self-imposed islamic stone-age into the modern world... and until the people can see concrete improvements in their lives, they won't buy-in to jettisoning the Taliban. Granted, they can't buy-in to the modern world if they get shot for flying kites or listening to music.

The road ahead is rough, but our steps are lighter upon it today. Today we can celebrate.

He ordered a pint and got lost in the crowd

2011-03-17T02:38:00.000-05:00

Happy St. Paddy's Day, America.
Drink up while you still can... your taxes are due in less than a month!

Find a blank spot on my wall and put a plaque to it

2011-01-20T14:38:00.003-06:00

So yeah, I'm alive. But also, I come bringing wisdom... or something.
Actually, it's not very wise... but it's got 80s references and lots of foul language, so it should satisfy my core demographics.

So last night my ~~special lady~~ fucking ladyfriend and I were discussing various things, when she mentioned that a friend of hers had no idea that He-Man and She-Ra had their adventures on different planets. Wisdom ensued thusly:

Her: A friend of mine didn’t know that He-man and She-Ra didn't live on the same planet.

ME: of course they lived on different planets - they have different genders. It's like a Mars / Venus thing... only with shitty, unimaginative toys, and cheap animation that cut every corner possible.

Her: Interesting analysis. So, were there no men, other than evil ones on Etheria?

ME: I mean, seriously ... didn't your pal ever wonder why She-Ra never showed up to help fight off Skeletor? Look, if He-Man went through all that effort, day after day, week after week, yet was constantly letting Skeletor slip through his grasp... She-Ra comes off looking like a selfish, lazy bitch.
Like Prince Adam was calling her up every other day all "Hey She-Ra, it's me, He-Man. Look, Skeletor captured my friend Teela again, and I'm about to head out to rescue her."
And she’s all "Mmm-hmmm, yeah make it fast, He-Man, I just got the Season 3 DVD set of 'Desperate Housewives' and that's pretty much takin' up my weekend here..."

Her: “I'm just gonna chill in the Crystal Castle...”

ME: "So, anyway... I was thinking that since Skeletor and I are pretty evenly matched, and you're pretty much as powerful as I am - you know, for a girl. But if you were to lend a hand, we could probably defeat him... or at least drive him off and force him into hiding for a very long time."

"fuck that, Adam. That sounds like work. These DVDs ain't gonna watch themselves, you know."

"I... see..."

Her: Maybe she was having her period...or a slumber party or something. Maybe she was having a bad hair day...

ME: for like 3 years?

Her: Well, a lot of things could happen... She could have been retaining water so her tights didn't fit… Swift Wind could have been being stubborn… Glimmer may have broken up with her boyfriend… Shit happens.

ME: Swift Wind needed to get fucked good and hard... maybe by an elephant.

Her: Swift Wind had a mate.

ME: That doesn't change my point one bit.

Her: They had a foal even

ME: Raped. By an elephant. Violently.

Her: Wow, what did Swift Wind ever do to you?

ME: Swift Wind was an imperious prick.
Sure, I get that they couldn't make him a complete pussy like Cringer... you know, because that would have been even more of a blatant rip-off of the original cartoon. (and also because little girls like horses so much because they kindof want to fuck them, so he had to have some redeeming qualities, like being smart and shit - but I digress)So rather than being too on-the-nose, they went the complete opposite way with Swift Wind. Into a giant prick.
Which, now that I mention it, also dovetails nicely into the whole “wanting to get fucked by a giant horsecock” thing... but again, I digress.

ME: ...

Her: You are nuts

ME: What? What did I say that's so wrong?

Her: Just your outrageous hatred of an animated horse. That’s nuts. Also, little girls DO NOT want to fuck horses.

ME: What, was I wrong about She-Ra not wanting to help save Teela, because they were like friends or something? Because I'll admit I didn't see every episode, so they could have gone to the mall together, and bonded as girls, and been BFF Jills.
Or did she have a beef with the Sorceress, for not friending her on Facebook, and doesn’t believe her bullshit excuse about “Oh, I accidentally clicked the wrong button. If you send it again, I’ll totally friend you.”
Still, I think my larger point stands.

Her: She-Ra was in a parallel universe fighting the rebellion. What exactly did you want her to do? She got in her own tight spots from time to time...you didn't see he-man jumping through the dimensional portal every five minutes.

ME: Which is why your friend’s stupid for not realizing they were from different planets.

Some people just can't be reasoned with, I guess.

Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum

2010-12-16T14:38:00.000-06:00

So I was thinking today that if I'm not mistaken, the Little Drummer Boy was the first "child star" in history. (For a certain value of "history," at any rate)

I wonder if he ended up a bitter alcoholic like all the rest of those poor, poor bastards who've followed in his footsteps...

With my freeze ray I will stop the world

2010-11-26T14:38:00.001-06:00

The score of the big game today: 3 loads of laundry; 2 missing socks (one white, one green) Well played, laundromat... well played

crossposted to the Twitter... because I can... and I just wanted to have a post up that was crossposted somewhere, so I can look cool and informed.

You just keep on trying till you run out of cake

2010-11-21T02:38:00.001-06:00

So hey there everyone...

How 'bout them Cowboys, eh? Holy crap, I go away for a couple months and Dallas decides to do a revival of the early 80s. But they looked good against the Giants last week, so there's hope yet. We'll see how they do today.

What's that? Where the fuck have I been, you ask? Well, the first version of the answer is "none of your fucking business, so get back in your car and drive through, please!" but the real version is that I've been doing a little traveling, and getting my life in order. No, I'm not a fucking hippie all of a sudden... give me a little credit here, please. I'm making some changes in my life, and not all of them are stuff that I'm cool with blogging about just yet. No worries there.

Anyway, you can consider this my bi-monthly "yep, Stew's still alive" post. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone - or if you're not actually able to celebrate on Thursday, have a great Fakesgiving.

While southwards he roams to the home of the whale

2010-09-02T14:53:00.003-05:00

Hey there, blog reader.
(he said to nobody in particular - for nobody was reading his blog, and they certainly hadn't been very particular about it, either.)

It's been a long summer, what with all the blog posts I've been writing, and the jealous attention I've been paying to these here internets. Er, I mean, screwing around and not even bothering to dust off the cobwebs once in a while.
Yeah, that's more accurate.

So anyway, thanks to a rather long layover in the Memphis airport (a lovely facility, by the way) I'm pleased to announce that I restarted my annual attempt to maintain enough focus to read Moby Dick. Thus far, I've set a new lifetime record for attention span, and made it through Chapter Thirteen!
I'm more than a bit concerned, however, as there are little to no actual nautical activities. I mean, if i told you this great American classic consisted of page after page of the philosophical wonders of sleeping with strange men, being frightened of church, and lots of talk about whales - yet nobody bothers to get on a damn boat... well I can't imagine how hard a sell this was to get published. Miracles abound, I suppose. It's like being told how amazing Star Wars is, but when you see the movie, instead of awesome spacey-ness, you get a college professor sitting in the desert, lecturing you for an hour about "automatons," and then he rides off on a motorcycle. Granted, that would make a much better start to the Star Wars films than the steaming pile that was Phantom Menace.

Still, Chapter Thirteen, eh! I'll make one last sally into the book, as my patience wears thin. If I don't see some frickin' boats then I'm done with Melville for another year at least.

Um, there is a whale in this book, right? I mean, it's not like a colossal joke that everyone knows except me, right? Honestly, I wouldn't know if I should be impressed or pathetic for not knowing about a twist ending that's been around for 150 years. So level with me, intertrons, is there a fricking whale in this book or what? Sure, with movies you just have to wait 5 or 10 minutes to figure out if you bought the porn version by accident (and it doesn't take much imagination to think of a porn title for Moby Dick, knowwhutimsayin?) but with books, the only remedy is to keep reading. Of course, the lack of any glossy pictures of the beast with two backs is a good clue that I've got the real deal, but with this much effort already invested, I'm admittedly gunshy.

Go to the top of your highest mountain!

2010-07-04T14:38:00.001-05:00

So it's Independence Day again. Happy 234th birthday, America!

First off, while I've always loved this holiday - pool parties, homemade ice cream, fireworks and parades - it really is a great time for kids. Now with the formalities out of the way, lemme get right in to what I came here to bitch about tonight:

What I can't stand, is the damn redneck yahoos that insist on shooting off fireworks all fucking night. You know, I'm glad that us Colonists defeated Britian - hell, if we hadn't pulled it off, I'd be speaking English today! Still and all, you know there's kids trying to sleep, and people that have to go to work in the morning.

But hell, don't let that stand in the way of you blowing shit up at 3 am. No, no, no keep it up. You know, why don't I go get my Mossberg and show you assholes some real fireworks?

Happy Independence Day to the rest of you.

Forever in peace may you wave

2010-06-14T02:38:00.006-05:00

It's Flag Day once more, and time for my annual (and brief) reminder to fly it properly or don't fly it at all:

FLY or DIE!

Yes yes, it seems I'm the Vexillophile version of P. Diddy... hard to believe that title was yet unclaimed, wasn't it? Well it's all mine, suckaz! Also, I'd like to point out that my annual reminder was as brief - if not moreso - as advertised. Just another way in which you can place your complete trust in any and all content you read here at Scotland of the Soul.

But I didn't really post today to talk about flags. I posted today, as I do every year, to give a shout out to my blog-homey Rachy. Though it's been quite a while since she last made an appearance in blogdom, she's still good people. Well... as good as can be expected for someone descended from deported criminals.

I've got all the patterns down, up until the ninth key.

2010-05-21T14:38:00.001-05:00

Just a quick note to all of my daily reader:

You may not realize it, but today is the 30th anniversary of the release of the Pac-Man arcade game. While he's been joined in arcade form by his lovely bride, son, super-powered alter-ego, and a host of pathetic retreads, the original will always be loved and adored by many a fan.

Google, of course has a doodle honoring Mr. Man up today. Typically, these things are kindof lame, because it's usually "celebrating" some boring poet nobody's ever heard of, or some crap like that... but Pac-Man finally gets one in the "W" column for the cool guys.
Super Bonus fun-time: The Google logo is a fully-playable version of the game. Enjoy!

There's a flagpole rag and the wind won't stop

2010-04-18T14:38:00.003-05:00

Good Lord, am I feeling my age today. Thanks go out to my buddies in the Aerie for introducing me to an entirely new definition of pain. We'll have to do it again reeeeeal soon.

On the plus side, I'm told that the Fort Worth zoo is pretty good. You can watch animals there make out and everything!

But I got a sweet tooth that'll never come loose

2010-02-23T02:38:00.000-06:00

So I had the occasion to partake of Cookie Cake this weekend. Tasty as always, of course. However, as we were bullshitting around the table, we noticed something weird about the box that the Cookie Cake arrived in.

Sure, I know that they made those prop cakes specifically for the photo shoot... but what if someone walked up to the counter and ordered one?

That's a pretty Zen dude that orders a cookie cake with "Cookie Cake" written on it.
It's an even more Zen dude that gets one with "Not a Cookie Cake" written on his.
But the most Zen dude of all comes up to the counter right after those two guys and gets one that says "Armadillo."

$20 says I get that Armadillo cookie for my birthday.

My girl be settin' booby traps to catch me eatin' Scooby Snax

2010-02-18T14:38:00.000-06:00

So yeah... here we are in 2010. The year we make contact. The year we get contacts... or buy contact paper... or something like that. I don't really keep up with all that, so I'll have to just assume that I've got it correctly.

Anyway, thanks to a commenter named after a Greek letter- incidentally, how cool is that. Anyone named after letters of any alphabet is sporting some Top Shelf nomenclature. Jay, Dee, Zed, Enyay - all great names. Multiple letters is also quite swell, e.g. CeCe, JayCee, VeeDee. OK, maybe not VD so much...
So yeah, I've been spurred to post more often. I think I can at least manage to post a handful of times this year, so let's get right on that, shall we?

My main point here is that I've got an entire case of pristine Girl Scout Cookies sitting in my kitchen. 12 delicious boxes of tasty tasty Thin Mints that are mine, all mine. I estimate they'll last through Tuesday.

So if you haven't yet acquired your personal share of Girl Scout Cookies, I highly recommend you do so promptly. I'll be on the prowl for another fix very soon.

First I'm gonna take a dive into the water

2009-12-28T14:38:00.001-06:00

Happy birthday, Moms.

PS does this count for anything? God, I hope not... because if you're reading this blog then we both have bigger problems. Still, yeah. Happy happy nonetheless.

One for each night, they shed a sweet Light

2009-12-11T02:38:00.004-06:00

Happy Hanukkah to the tribe. Or, for those of you of Hispanic descent: Happy Chicanokah.

For my drunkard friends in the Southern Hemisphere (I'm quite certain you know who you are) don't think for one moment that you're forgotten. I've found the perfect menorah for you to celebrate the Festival of Lights - which I'm told is not the same as the Festival of Getting Lit.

So anyway, that's my quota of cheerful holiday messages for this year. Happy Hanukkah to the Jews, and Happy frantic weekend of shopping to the Christians.

You can see them walking Southward in their dirty underwear

2009-11-20T14:38:00.000-06:00

Breaking news in the great Missouri vs. Mississippi redneck contest: It's broken into a three-way tie, as Tennessee makes a play for glory!

Man awakened in ditch with moonshine and rifle
ATHENS, Tenn. (AP) -- When Ricky Butler went to sleep on a rural, East Tennessee roadside, he didn't have to worry about comfort but apparently he was feeling insecure. McMinn County deputies found the 31-year-old Decatur man sleeping on his back in a roadside ditch, with a loaded rifle on his chest and an almost empty jar of moonshine in the bib of his overalls.

Butler told deputies who woke him up Sunday that he didn't know where he was. He also told them the jar had been full.
Deputies said Butler also had a machete and hand-rolled cigarettes believed to be marijuana.

Because really, a loaded rifle can only take you so far down the insanity turnpike. To get to your final destination, you simply must bring a machete!

The almost empty jar of moonshine is a really nice touch, too. It shows he's an experienced redneck - in case he starts to sober up and recognize where he is, the solution to his problem is jsut one swig of corn-squeezins away!

I'm trying not to try too hard

2009-10-26T14:38:00.001-05:00

Thirty. Minutes. Remaining.

I'm not going to do
A haiku for Kevin Brauch
or allllllll the judges.

(or did I just do that anyway?)

Alton Brown
Hare from the hat of
The Nerd Circus Ringmaster
Yet his hair recedes.

Michael Symon
The bane of all swine
Chops, Hocks, Ribs, Cheeks, Feet, BACON
New kid on the block

Michael Symon (Alternate Version)
Pork Pork Pork Pork Pork
Bacon Pork Pork Bacon Pork
Bacon Bacon Pork

The Chairman!
Icy glare, piercing souls
Moving at the speed of sound
Thank you for your meal

So there you have it, Blog-merica. My Iron Chef America tribute. And while it may not score the full 15 points for plating, it did give you something to do for five minutes or so... so win-win, right?

My head, my head won't rely

2009-10-18T14:38:00.004-05:00

I don't know about you, but I think I've been watching a bit too much Food Network. You see, the time has come once again to answer that age-old question: Who's been up too late watching re-runs?

This is: Iron. Blog. Hammistan!

A delectable Japanese tradition has taken root in Hammistani soil. We have been graced with our very own Blogging Stadium, where our lethargic and twisted Chairman has brought together the pungent flavors of Lame Humor and The 1980s. It is here, where the best of the only from around my living room meet and fact the ultimate challenge - the challenge of thinking of something to post.

We shall see if I, whom usually blogs from the comfort of my sofa can you face the torment of Blogging Stadium. Thus, let the battle BEGIN! But there is one more ingredient to this battle... our secret ingredient. The Theme on which our Iron Blogger will offer his succulent variations. Today's secret ingredient is...

BABIES!!

er... I mean,

HAIKU!

So now, Hammistan, with an open heart bypass, and a stomach full of limes, green soda, and God knows what else, I say unto you in something resembling the words of The Chairman: Allez Griffonner!

Mario Batali
Rolling out noodles
With orange Crocs and an orange beard
Dances with tuna

Cat Cora
Empress of Fusion
Magic with disp'rate flavors
Ouzo shots all around

Masaharu Morimoto
Our elder statesman
Knives fly and sushi is rolled
Gagged by voiceover

Bobby Flay
A smarmy jackass
Puts blue corn in everything
America's Iron Cook

(Not so fond of the Flay, am I?)

So as not to completely blow my wad on one gi-normous post, I'll save the rest of the Iron Haiku competition for later on this week. That way, I can loaf off for a couple days without feeling like a lazy sack of crap for neglecting the blog. You guys should be thankful that I'm so considerate, ya know.

I wanna situation, but don't wanna stop

2009-10-09T14:38:00.002-05:00

I discovered the Twitter hash tags #imaletyoufinish and #nobelol this morning. I don't really remember anything after that until sunset...
After today, I'm going to Vegas. I think by the time I get there, they'll have an "Obama" space on the roulette wheel.

A little time in the country, A day or two to slow down

2009-09-18T02:38:00.001-05:00

Life is crazy in Hammistan.

My poor little body is not used to putting in 12 hour days at my fantabulous new job. Fortunately, my poor little blog is quite used to putting in month-long waits between posts.

Your understanding of the concept of "fortunately" may differ slightly from mine...

On the other hand, I was treated to some very excellent Australian Shiraz earlier this week. I now understand why Rachy is so enamored with it.

This witness was injured and overthrown away

2009-08-14T02:38:00.000-05:00

All of you multitudinous readers (all both of you, in fact) who also happen to keep track of events in Hillmomba, and whatever shithole Miz Ann is living in now will doubtless be aware of the current competition between Missouri and Mississippi to determine which state is king of the rednecks.

I don't know if Missiouri can come back from the devastating one-two combination laid out this week...

First up is the fake klansman on Facebook:

An African-American man has pleaded guilty after being accused of impersonating a white supremacist in a fictitious Facebook account to make death threats against an African-American university student.

Dyron L. Hart, 20, of Poplarville, Mississippi, admitted creating the fictitious account in November, pretending to be a white supremacist outraged by the election of Barack Obama as the nation's first African-American president, the statement said.

Followed by America's Most Incompetent Yokels!

Police had been watching Vincent Goff for years, convinced he was the masked man who sexually assaulted couples at gunpoint on the Mississippi coast. But before investigators closed in, they say Goff picked the wrong victim and was beaten nearly to death with his own rifle.

Goff allegedly approached a man and woman last Thursday afternoon on an isolated logging road in Harrison County and forced them into the woods with a rifle, Sheriff's Maj. Ron Pullen said Wednesday.

They were forced to strip off their clothes and told to perform sexual acts when the male victim, described as a physically fit member of the military in his mid-30s, wrestled the gun away.

"He beat him until the stock broke over his head and then continued to beat him until he thought he had him incapacitated," Pullen said.

I really want to know how that played out... "It puts its clothes on the ground, and hey, ow dammit!"

Stay tuned to see if Missouri and their jury-rigged auto jacks can stay in the fight!

Just a mirror for the sun

2009-08-09T14:38:00.001-05:00

This week I spent an extended amount of time driving across the fruited plain, seeing America... and a bit of the People's Republic of Michigan. So lucky you, you get another lame blog post out of it!

In Rolla, MO, I happened to stop for food at what might possibly be the dirtiest Burger King in the world. There were flies everywhere, and some gigantic Starship Troopers looking bugs in the entryway. I don't even want to know what it was that made the floor feel sticky. To add to the ambiance, there were two California-looking guys sitting by the door talking very loudly about GPS devices and government conspiracies.
I happened to see the two tinfoil-hatters 100 miles down the road when I stopped for gas. I quickly and quietly went inside to escape their harrowing gaze.

That wasn't the worst part about my stopover in Rolla, though. It turns out that the University has apparently bought into some self-esteem crap or something, and changed its name from The University of Missouri-Rolla to The Missouri University of Science and Technology. As acronyms go, "MUST" is a really crappy one. Sure, UMR doesn't mean anything, but everyone knew where you were coming from.
In my book, it's not a good day for the one-time Missouri School of Mines.

With the recent surge of insane behavior from Mississippi, Springfield Missouri may have been slipping in its position as the most bizarre city in America. Fortunately, an incident I witnessed on my trip should firmly valut them back into the top spot.
Now, this didn't happen within the city limits, but I say it still counts... and as I am Judge, Judy, and Executioner for this contest, it counts. So, just outside of town I saw a truck broken down on the Interstate, missing a tire. No problem, the driver of this vehicle probably took it into town to have it repaired... only he wasn't using a standard-issue auto jack to hold up his truck. Oh no, he was showing off his redneck-engineering skills by propping up his crippled truck with the odds and ends he had on hand. Namely, a Bobcat.

Not this kind of Bobcat: (which, admittedly, would have been hella impressive)

But THIS kind:

Way to go, Springfield. Way. To. Go.

I got to stop in Indiana for burgers and Green River soda. As I've mentioned here before, I love Green River like a mother loves her children... maybe, if she were a cannibal mother... OK, so it's not a perfect metaphor. Regardless, I love to drink Green River soda. I managed to down about 6 of them before I felt my kidneys were in mortal danger. THAT was a good day.

I've taken down the link to Fred Thompson's Presidential Campaign... for now. Apparently, there was an election, though I can't quite recall who won. In its place, I've included a link to the site for Teh Fred's radio show. If you don't happen to live in an area that carries his show, then you're definitely missing out - check out his archives, which contain terabytes of full shows, and all sorts of other Fredaica.

I made another Stuckey's Stop!! Huzzah!
In McLean, IL, inside the Dixie Truck Stop, you can find a (pretty sad excuse for) Stuckey's. Well, there was one corner with some pecan logs, and small bit of merch. If there was more cool stuff hanging around there, I sure didn't see it. So, perhaps some signs are in order, guys.
Nevertheless, it counts. Stuckey's FTW!

Somebody's Broken Heart And A Washed-Out Dream

2009-07-08T01:30:00.002-05:00

Things I learned while watching ~15 seconds of the Michael Jackson "Memorial."

People are stupid
Jermaine Jackson is still alive
People are stupid
Although Michael Jackson did not invent dance fighting, he refined it into the potent martial art it is today - much like Bruce Lee did with Jeet Kune Do.
People are stupid
The whole thing would have been much more interesting if during the performance of Thriller, Mike's corpse rose from the casket, started dancing along with the cast, then proceeded to eat everyone's brains.
- Bonus fact - this particular scenario is equally plausible if Michael is still alive.
People - as I may have mentioned - are stupid
The word "Shamon" is much like the word "Smurf." Just insert it into any conversation as needed.
People are so very, very stupid.

O beautiful for heroes proved In liberating strife

2009-07-04T02:38:00.000-05:00

Mr. T and I pity the foo' who don't love America.

Don't fall, just be who you are

2009-06-24T02:38:00.002-05:00

So yeah, I'm a cold callous blogger. I missed blogging on a couple of important days recently. OK, so I've missed blogging on a LOT of days recently, but these were like actual for-real important.

First and foremost, I let Flag Day go by without a shout out. Not only to the flag, of course, but to my blog-homey Rachy. Four years ago, she stumbled across my whimsical post about shenanigans of Flag Days long past, and introduced me to what I previously thought impossible: a mind more twisted than my own.
You're awesome, Rachy. Keep it up.

Also, Father's Day was this past weekend. While that's not nearly as important for me as Flag Day is, it did get me to thinking... What do kids of lesbian parents do for Father's Day? Do they ignore it, do they have special rituals like Jews on Christmas? (though I don't see movies and Chinese food really saying "Lesbian Father's Day," do you?) Do they get the really butch mom a card? What?

Anyway, I'm sorry I wasn't around to disturb you guys on the appropriate days. I'm sure you'll forgive me in the fullness of time.

Black Markers Written On Walls, I'm Standing So Tall

2009-06-17T02:38:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah. If you feel like taking a ride on the Poisson Distribution, you can see if I ever bother to actually Twit any of my shit by looking me up here:

http://twitter.com/StewedHamm

Maybe he went to get a British flag

2009-06-16T14:38:00.001-05:00

Hullo there, intertubes. Nice to see you're all still here waiting for me. (and still not at all like a truck - not one little bit)

So anyway, I've been following the riots in Iran with more than a little concern. Concern enough to actually sling something up onto the blog here - so that's really saying something right there. Anyway, I'm reading what news updates I can courtesy of the BBC, at least until the Ayatollah (not the one of rock-n-roll-a, but the one of chocking-on-Satan's-dick... ola.) banned all journalists from covering stories.

There's a lot things happening in Tehran recently that remind me of the bad old days of Communism in Europe and Asia. Solidarity demonstrations in Poland, Democracy riots in Vilnius, and with the onset of violence now, Tienanmen Square. Fortunately, though, we're living in a new age of communication, and the world is not dependent on crusty old bastards dragging their soggyassed corpses out "on location" to spoon-feed the world their political spin on what's happening in various corners of Earth. (Yes, I'm looking at you, Christiane Amanpour) Unlike in Beijing, when the June 4 Demonstrators briefly paused from running for their lives to beg the media "Tell the world what happened here; tell them our story!" The Iranian demonstrations are being broadcast chiefly by Twitter and Facebook.

Also unlike Beijing, when the Chi Com leaderships didn't know what to do about Western media airing their dirty laundry, the Ayatollah of Choking on Satan's Dick-ola has his thugs sniffing around the interwebs looking for Twitter and Facebook users located in Iran. So in order to make the toothless camel-molesting thugs' job a little bit harder, I've become a Twitter Shitter. A Twitter Shitter based in Tehran, Iran... at least according to my profile.

And now we come to the part of the post where I make a personal appeal. Because what's the point of one additional lameass on the 'tubes? I'm not a guy standing in front of a tank column here... I'm not even causing posh Italian people to make their scooters swerve a bit while they speed by saying "Ciao!" But people actually listen to some of you people... so were you to digitally relocate yourself to Tehran, they might do so as well. And then we're really talking about something happening here.

Because right now, the Iranian people rioting in the streets - not just over the bogus elections (Seriously, how valid is a balloting between only the candidates that Mullah COSD-ola approves?) but the entire bogus governmental system - have one thing in their favor: numbers. They had fear, but that's slowly dissipated as the Regime's reactions show. so all that's left is their superior numbers... against the Regime's guns. And numbers versus guns isn't a game you want to play on the losing side of.

Nor do you want anyone else to have to play it either.

We'll dance by the light of the moon

2009-03-16T02:38:00.000-05:00

Looks like our friend Ozark Hill Woman, who incidentally, has an Oh So Political blog made the trek up to Cincinnati for the weekend's Tea Party protest. Though she may deny it, the astute folks at Virtuous Republic managed to snap a picture of the elusive Hill Woman. h/t Michelle Malkin.

My, you're awfully young to be so politically cynical, OHW. Good luck with the whole pony thing, though.

Our mum, she's so house-proud

2009-03-11T02:38:00.004-05:00

Our good friend (and champion blogger) Mrs. Hillbilly Mom recently wrote about her woes of paying the taxman. Apparently she's not renting enough, or something. Now, I am anything, if not helpful, so I thought I'd publicly offer Mrs. HM some free advice... like "news you can use," or something:

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom can go live in a cave.

I mean that in the nicest sense, of course. These folks out in Festus built their home in a cave, so why not Mrs. Hillbilly Mom? At one point the intrepid cave-dwellers were trying to sell the home on eBay, because apparently they were targeted by a predatory lender, or sabre-toothed tiger, or something. The story is unclear on the precise details, but I suspect mastodons may also be involved somehow.

You be the judge:

Fine country livin'

Anyway, I bet that tucked away in the Spendulus bill, a clever accountant can find an earmark or two for cave-folk. Hell, they've got money for Neanderthals like AmTrack and Chrysler, why not money for people living like actual Neanderthals?

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom could build her cave home a good sight cheaper than the visionaries in Festus, what with already employing an experienced ~~home~~ MiniMansion builder. This thing was built out of dozens of sliding glass doors and spare plywood, and Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has told us all about the plethora of unused auto glass (and autos) she has lying about. I'm sure there are plenty of spare power tools to be found in Hillmomba, lying out in the road, even! She even has the land... once the corpses are cleared out of her sinkholes, that is. It sounds practically shovel-ready, don't you think?

Once the "Spelunker's Biltmore" is built, I've also thought of a foolproof way to see it increase in value. Aside from their current projects of raising chickens and "free" potbellied pigs, naturally. All Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has to do is give the Pony a big box of crayons and tell him to go crazy on the walls. It'll be like Lascaux, only better, because it won't smell like moldy old French dudes, or stinky cheese... theoretically, at least.

That's cinnamon, that's Hollywood

2009-02-23T22:46:00.008-06:00

Random Thought February: GO!

Item: Great names for our new Chief Executive that are more accurate than Barack Hussein Obama.

"Teleprompter Jesus" is pretty good, and has been kicking around since the early days of the campaign. I've been partial to "Uh-Bama" myself, especially since his awful performance at the Saddleback forum. (Which seriously, should have been enough to derail his campaign - if the media was an honest broker. If Howard Dean's girlish yell was enough to end him, then "above my pay grade" is a no-brainer.)
But the best family-friendly nickname I've seen thus far has got to be the one used over at the Jawas' place: Hopey-One Kenobi. Sadly, there's no way in hell I can ever work it into a conversation with any of my friends - the lefty ones or the sane ones. If I'm really slick, I can sneak Uh-Bama by. More accurately, I could have slipped it by in the past, but because they occasionally read this blog, I've got about a month before they're on to me.

Item: Item.

Item: Corporate whores are cashing in on Uh-Bama's campaign logo. Missing: the staggering irony of the logo being designed by rampant Communist propagandists.

Jake Tapper was on Pepsi's case last month. There have been a few other conveniently-timed makeovers, but Pepsi's was the most blatant. I'm not going to go overboard with the histrionics about boycotting Pepsi forever, like some of the more dramatic of the commenters there. I'm reminded of the Pepsi ads Bob Dole did in the late 90s, spoofing his Viagra spots... they were pretty creepy, but more than willing to give a Republican some air time. Apparently they had some non-advertising ties with Richard Nixon as well, when he was Eisenhower's Vice-President, so this can cut both ways.

Most importantly, though, this gives me the chance to re-name the product in my home. And when I re-name something, I make it stick. For example, all chicken nuggets are now called "Danny's Moms." Hastings Video has been called "Baketown" since 10th grade. (you had to have been there, really. Just go with it)
Therefore, Pepsi shall now be known as "The Audacity of Coke."

Item: ITeM

Item: Redneck cars.

I've seen a shitty car along my drive home from work a couple times. Usually he's going the same way I am, so I've never been able to put a finger on why this car stands out. It's one of a good two dozen shitty cars I see coming to and from my job. Admittedly, it's easily in the Top 5, but still...
Anyway, I finally saw this car coming towards me and I was awestruck with a vision of Neckness. Like a heavens opening up, choirs of angels (singing "Git-er-dun," but all angelic-like) and a light shining down type of vision. The car is a rusted-out Chevy Cavalier looking P.O.S. with a fat yellow racing stripe on the hood. A hand-painted yellow racing stripe. Apparently, with house paint, because it's as matte a finish as I've ever seen.
As cool as that ad I linked makes the Chevy look, when you take it off the set of The Running Man, and the Ron Perlman lookalike with the weird remote control goes home, and you let it sit on cinder blocks for like 25 years... it's pretty much a piece of crap.

But still, that's one badass racing stripe... if you're drunk or something.

Item: I-TIM.

Item: Miz Ann's post today on re-purposing her blog.

I'm wit'cha, sista. The official blog of Hammistan here has seen some lean times. Seriously, you can see all the way back to July on the front page. I've been trying to get my blog-juice up and flowing again, but it doesn't really seem to be sparking. I don't know if I'm getting much more critical of myself as a "writer" or if I'm just running out of stuff to write. I've started to write a couple of posts now, only to scrap them after a half-hour or so.
Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty of things I'd like to say. I've got LOTS of wrong-headed shit I could rail against. I just don't see it being all that effective, especially as regards the apathy I mentioned in my post last month. Doubly so, given all the blog-generosity I've gotten in the last few months - thanks to all those folks, you know who you are.

On the other hand, maybe I'm subconsciously scrubbing my online presence in case I run for office myself. It's not like I need a future opponent finding this blog and running negative ads about my "dead" sister, orange snot, or voting for my penis. Hmmm... I'm not really helping my alternate-future candidate self with this, am I? Anyway, it's something I've thought about... after all, the next Presidential Election will see me finally over 35, and thus eligible. So I've got to get started on voting "Present" and doing nothing in the Senate for a couple years, right?

Maybe I'll start a little smaller. See about the School Board, or State House... maybe start networking with the Tea Party folks.

Item: I should stop with the "Item: Item" gag, no? Well, I'll think about it.

That's great, it starts with an earthquake

2009-01-19T14:41:00.004-06:00

Hey there everyone, it's your old pal Stew here. I figured I'd put in one last post before the ~~end of the world~~ new age of plenty tomorrow. I guess we'll call it Random Thought ~~Apocalypse~~ Awesome-calypse.

$43 million price tag for a Presidential inauguration: shameful and ostentatious.
$150+ million: Your Patriotic Duty to watch as we all Move On Up to the East Side!

I spent most of yesterday with my parents, specifically shopping for an iPod with my mother, and giving her a guided tour of iTunes. Best Buy didn't have any of the 2 Gig Shuffles in stock, so rather than let her listen to the salesguy suggest that she try back in a week or so, I asked "Why, when we can buy one for less across the street?" (at Wal-Mart) He beat a hasty retreat.
What's especially frightening about the experience is that when my parents went home, they took 2 bigass boxes full of my CDs with them, to rip songs for the new Shuffle that they'll be purchasing at their local Wal. I just just know I'm going to start hearing stories about my Mom jogging to Master of Puppets, or Oingo Boingo.
Frightening. This, too, is another sign of our ~~impending destruction~~ free unicorns and hope-a-palooza!

I went shopping for a new book this month. I know, I know, what right do I have to start reading a book, when I've yet to complete Moby Dick? Well, it was free, and uh... it was free. Courtesy of a holiday gift from my sister, the former Ms. Hamm (now Mrs. Hamm-Unrai) who was brutally murdered a few years ago before her wedding in the Virgin Islands. I chose David McCullough's 1776, which I've been wanting to get for a while now. I'm way past Chapter 4, by the way (sorry Mr. Melville)
Also, it was nice to see everyone again, including our newest addition, lil' Hammlet (or Hamm-Unrai-let if you want to get technical about it)

Speaking of Crispmess presents, I got my special ladyfriend this game. We saw it in one of those "edumacational" stores (that also happen to sell all kinds of awesome Hello Kitty merch) a couple years ago, and haven't been able to find it since. Now: Mission Accomplished.

Like our good friend Patrick, I've been completely apathetic about the ~~avalanche of sewage and horror~~ cavalcade of love and change that's passing for current news. Honestly, I cashed in my concern when the second round of bailout begging started up last fall. The whole manufactured "Bailout Crisis" goes against any rational economic theory, which completely invalidates the last 4, 5, ??? years I spent at Hammistan U. earning my Economics degree.
I'm real happy about that, by the way.

Really happy.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go have a drink before I start thinking about it too much. Peace out, homeskizzles. (or is that raaaacist?)

Sunday nights, Frozen Paradise, off the chain

2008-12-07T00:33:00.006-06:00

So, it's been about a month since I last reared my head. I really did mean to stop by last week, but holiday aftermath isn't ever pretty. Specifically, the part of the holiday aftermath consisting of the rather disturbing conversation I had the other night with my friend. The rather disturbing conversation that I will now share with all of you on the Internets.

So I hereby decree this to be Disturbing Thought Sunday.

I can't really set this up, because I don't really know how we got to talking about it. You see, the epiphany I had mid-conversation has pretty much wiped out everything that had happened previously.
Anyway, it goes like this: There is no such place as a company where only one man wears ass-less chaps to work.

Sure, a place could have (extremely) casual Friday, but then everyone would be wearing ass-less chaps, or something in a similar vein. Actually, everyone would be doing it on the second (extremely) casual Friday, after they noticed that Ass-less Chaps Guy showed up for work on the Monday following the first (extremely) casual Friday without being escorted off the premises.

There is, however, no office on God's Green Earth in which it is perfectly jake for one solitary person to walk around with his meat and two veg on display for all to see, and nobody cares one way or the other about it. They'd have to hire a second receptionist to explain to everyone just what the hell was going on. I imagine it'd sound something like this:

"Corporate Accounts Payable, this is Nina speaking -- Who, Ass-less Chaps Guy? Well, as I understand it, he prefers not to wear a coat and tie. I can understand sir. Personally, it's not my thing either, but our District Manager tells me that he meets his quota, so everything's OK as far as Corporate is concerned. No... nobody else in the department is all that into wearing leather - just him. Just a moment..."

The interesting thing about ACG is that his opposite doesn't exist. If you imagine a fetish store, or bar scene, in which everyone would naturally be wearing all kinds of kinky shit, it's not hard at all to picture someone wearing a suit and tie. There are a good half dozen fetishes I can think of off the top of my head that require such an outfit. No, I will not elaborate on any of them. You've got your own interweb - use it.

So there you have it. Enjoy. And if I don't get back here by the end of the year, Ass-less Chaps Guy and I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas... because nothing says "Happy Birthday Jesus" like two big, hairy butt cheeks flapping in the breeze.

While you rid the world of your every sin

2008-11-06T02:38:00.007-06:00

So... the election, eh? Yeah, I suppose I should say something or other about that.

Some states are red
Some states are blue
It doesn't really matter
Because we're all getting screwed.
(Burma Shave)

Or perhaps, you'd prefer the classy, haiku version:

Say, is this the line
for bread, or perhaps for gas?
Hooray for HopeChange!

Or is that somehow racist to bring up Soviet-style rationing lines?
These hipster douchebags don't seem to think so.

I'll grant you that they have a different opinion about them than I do. That's easy to do when you've never had to live through it. I hope that magic unicorn you voted for makes you feel good enough to last you the next four years, beatniks.

I am the shadow on the moon at night, filling your dreams to the brim with fright

2008-10-31T14:38:00.002-05:00

Happy All Hallows' Eve, you guy(s). Been a while since I've posted anything, but then there's really not much to speak of that's going on in West Hammistan these days. I'm working two part-time jobs to pay my bills, while I'm busy looking for a real actual professional job. That's going like gangbusters, by the way... Thanks, Barney Frank!

So I've been hanging at my pad, giving out candy - and band aids, in one case - to the kids stopping by. Later on, I'm going to watch The Thing (easily one of the scariest movies I've ever seen. Also one of the coolest.) and then stay up all night playing X-Com.

Good times, eh?

After-action report: Costumes were a little disappointing this year. Last year, a kid built his own robot costume with metal hoses and crap. Had working lights and everything. Didn't see him this year, or if I did, he was another of the faceless hordes of Clone Troopers that darkened my door. (though in retrospect, if all those kids had planned being Clone Troopers together, that would have been an awesome concept.)

There was a big mob of rude kids, most of whom were dressed in nothing more creative than an old football jersey. (with players from like 10 years ago - seriously, a Cowboys jersey with Joey Galloway's name on it!) Listen kid, don't just grab a half-ass costume off your closet floor and think it entitles you to a handful of my Skittles. I'm not O'Bambi here, kid. I'm not going to be spreading any of my milk-chocolatey wealth around if I don't have to. In fact, I'm pretty bitter about clinging to my religion, guns, and nougat.

In more positive news, there was a little girl with a pretty good pirate outfit. Her brother was dressed as a ninja. I'm not sure if I should be extremely impressed, or extremely nervous that they're aware of the inter-tron's pirates vs. ninjas meme. For the record, neither one of them killed the other while they were at my house. I'll look for swaths of destruction and blood-drenched houses after dawn.

When you're strong, everyone's your friend

2008-09-30T12:46:00.005-05:00

So here we are again. You can thank Rachy for coaxing me back to the blog with her discovery of a picture of two very disturbed simians.

First off, Happy 5769 to the Tribe. I'd send you guys a canned ham or something, but my five hundred million dollar mortgage is only worth a $1.97. I guess I shouldn't have exaggerated how much crazy blog money I had flowing in, huh?

Secondly, speaking of our Jewish friends, (and deranged monkeys, now that I think about it) you may recall that the terrorist dictator of Iran, Achingdinnerjob, recently spoke at the United Nations. There was a protest planned with several notable speakers... until one of the sponsoring groups got their panties in a twist because it might provide an opportunity for a Republican to look good. (and not coincidentally, give her a bit more of the "international experience" some say she lacks) To make a long story short, everyone freaked the hell out, and canceled the event faster than OJ running from a hotel lobby.

What didn't get reported until earlier this week was Governor Palin's speech she planned to give. Even I didn't hear about this until I saw that the New York Sun was sadly ceasing publication after today. This is the speech on Iran and Achingdinnerjob that I've been waiting to hear someone, anyone (hell - EVERYONE!!) deliver. It's absolutely disgraceful that an allegedly Jewish organization couldn't put the security of our world, and survival of their people above a petty thing like party politics. That's a fucking ridiculous excuse for Tikkun Olam you've got going there Democrats.

Ahmadinejad may choose his words carefully, but underneath all of the rhetoric is an agenda that threatens all who seek a safer and freer world. We gather here today to highlight the Iranian dictator's intentions and to call for action to thwart him.

He must be stopped.

The world must awake to the threat this man poses to all of us. Ahmadinejad denies that the Holocaust ever took place. He dreams of being an agent in a "Final Solution" — the elimination of the Jewish people. He has called Israel a "stinking corpse" that is "on its way to annihilation." Such talk cannot be dismissed as the ravings of a madman — not when Iran just this summer tested long-range Shahab-3 missiles capable of striking Tel Aviv, not when the Iranian nuclear program is nearing completion, and not when Iran sponsors terrorists that threaten and kill innocent people around the world.

The story is still up on The Sun's website for however long that'll last, so read it all... while it's still available.

Alright. I've done my posting for the season... time to go back into the blog-hole until February 2nd.

My monkey butler Brian Dennehy screwed up again and he’s sorry - UPDATED!

2008-07-18T02:38:00.002-05:00

Turning away from political matters now, a story crossed my path that I just HAD to comment upon. It comes from Springfield, MO, which I'm thinking is making a dedicated run at being declared the weirdest (or dumbest) city in America.
Recall earlier this year the reports of innocent civilians getting waylaid by a crafty door-to-door tattoo artist and his homemade tattoo gun? Yep, that was Springfield. So, now, courtesy of the KC Star, comes their latest bid for the title:

A southwest Missouri woman has sued Wal-Mart, local health officials and Cox Health Systems, claiming they discriminated against her and her monkey named Richard.

Because it's vitally important to the story for the readers to know the name of the monkey.

Debby Rose of Springfield...

No, the other monkey.

said in the lawsuit that the 10-year-old bonnet macaque helps curb a social anxiety disorder that can cause her to have panic attacks in public.
Health officials in 2006 sent letters to restaurants and grocery stores, advising them not to let Rose in with the monkey.

Well, there's some Grade-A crackerjack advice for you right there: Don't let any wackjobs into your store if they're toting around an effin' monkey... especially if it's named Richard.

Although, I'm torn on this issue. I think if I had to be waiting for hours in a hospital, or other fun bureaucratic-type environment, I'd really enjoy watching a loon struggle to keep her masturbating, feces-flinging monkey from going out of control. Especially if it's wearing a cute little hat.

----

UPDATE: Obviously, stories found online don't last forever so it's no surprise that the KC Star link is now dead. Not to fear though our intrepid friend, The Rachy, is on the case! She goes internet mining, and comes up with gold: a link to FoxNews's coverage - with a picture! I sincerely hope that Richard wasn't a Buddhist in a previous life... because it must have been horrifying to come back and be that crackpot's pet monkey.

FREE RICHARD!

We're doing fine on the One and Nine line

2008-07-12T02:38:00.003-05:00

What follows is another in my continuing (though recently absent) series of open letters I've written to various persons and groups.

I noted with interest that the RNC is soliciting input from us mere plebeians regarding the party's platform to be taken up at the convention this fall in Minnesota. After a cursory look at the major issues up for discussion, I sat down to write a thoughtful, informed, and thorough suggestion... with the intention of writing more on the various issues that are important to me and other Americans.

But, sadly, they're not interested in anything I have to say. There's a 1000 character limit on submissions, so only the much-derided John Edwardsy "bumper sticker" stuff gets through. Oh sure, I understand that they don't want some Truther wackjob to fill up the server with 85 pages of bong resin induced fantasy... but just shouting platitudes without bothering to back up your arguments is the kind of pathetic crap one would see on the internet. For Pete's sake, this is supposed to be a national political party discussing the direction in which our country should go, not a ridiculous blog talking about Brittney's cooter pics!

Ahem.

Be that as it may, I hereby reduce myself to their level, and post what should rightfully be residing in the RNC suggestion box - onto a ill-trafficked blog. Hell, at least this way someone will read it. Not that it matters, since the only choices we have in November are "Democrat and Democrattier."

Dear Republican National Committee:

It is absolutely ridiculous that we are burning food for fuel when we have untold billions of barrels of oil readily available and easily accessible to us on our own land. Land that the inhabitants thereof (such as there are) wholeheartedly want us to utilize to meet our energy needs. We need to drill, and drill now. We *know* where the oil is, all we have to do is go out and get it.

In the meantime, given that corn prices (and other agricultural products usable as fuel) are skyrocketing, can we take a serious look at curtailing subsidies - ESPECIALLY those for non-production. Why on earth are we paying people in Manhattan NOT to grow corn, when A) there's no farmland in Manhattan, and B) growing corn is pretty damned profitable right now, and only getting moreso as time goes on?

But raw production is not the only facet that needs to be addressed. We also need to reduce or eliminate the absolute stranglehold that the Federal government has over our nation's refining capacity.
No new oil refineries have been constructed in this country in years now. The temporary price spikes after hurricane Katrina should have taught us a lesson regarding our scarce refineries, but now that those post-Katrina prices are soon to be the daily prices nationwide, we have still done nothing.
This principle should also apply to nuclear power production as well. It is easy to raise the spectre of Chernobyl or Three Mile Island and dismiss nuclear power out of hand as unsafe, but those incidents are over 20 years ago. Computers took up entire rooms then, instead of carried them their hands. People used record players or reel-to-reel tapes rather than ipods smaller than a saltine. The technology we have available has improved dramatically, and is used extensively throughout Japan and Europe for clean, cheap, and readily available power production. If they can do it, why not America??

We cannot let this issue slide due to apathy, or let fears of global warming - a hotly contested theory, and one that has had several of its base assumptions proven false this past spring - cause us to abandon market principles, common sense, and our economic independence to communist or fascist nations whose true loyalties lie only with themselves.
As many wise men have noted, the engine of capitalism (and freedom) depends on the free flow of energy at market prices. So let's get the government out of the way and finally let it happen!

Sincerely, Stewed Hamm (or a reasonable facsimile thereof)

I should note here that I said I had plenty of other thoughtful, reasoned arguments to make on other issues. I do. If I get time, I might post them to the blog. (I understand that's what they're used for, when not otherwise occupied with cat pictures and bitching about movies) But I'm currently trying to find a job in this fabulous economy that Congress has led us to, and it's a full-time job all in itself. If you want to forward me a couple-three dollars, I'll hammer out a platform issue for you... but since you're in the same world economy I am, I doubt you've got it to spare. Not to worry though, if they come up in the course of comments to this or other posts, I'll give 'em a whirl.

And finally, a note to my regular reader(s):

Given that the blog is turning towards ongoing debates with a decidedly political bent, I should also announce that I have asymptotic patience for the Presidential race as Election Day approaches. As far as I'm concerned, it's Aliens vs. Predator: "Whoever wins, we lose."
As I've said before, I'm quite firmly behind my state and local candidates. The West Hammistani mayorial election is starting to heat up, with some great shenanigans happening late Thursday afternoon. I can't wait to see what happens next. (assuming I'm still living in Hammistan by November, that is)
So, what I'm trying to say is that I don't support either candidate for President. I don't support Ron Paul's inane hordelings or any of the other vote wastes either. Don't waste your time trying to persuade me to vote for your favorite horse/magical hopechange unicorn. I will delete out-of-hand any comments I deem to contain outright campaigning or spamming of stump speech points. You've been duly notified-itized.

I am, however, perfectly willing to entertain thoughtful, reasoned debate on whatever subject should arise - provided that you can conduct yourself like an adult.

If you'll just hold on for one more second

2008-07-08T14:38:00.003-05:00

Guess what, everyone? It's "Random Discussion Tuesday!"

So if you're not regular readers of the Hillbilly Mansion, then you won't be aware that Hillbilly Mom dedicated an entire post to me and a comment I made regarding where to assign credit/blame for the state of the economy. This is, of course a signal honor, considering that it's not a political blog. I would have replied in the comments , but I wanted to include some text formatting and a graph. (thanks, Dr. Stapp!) So if this sort of thing interests you, you'll first want to read up on her post, so you know where we all stand.

An entire post dedicated to me? Gosh, I'm flattered. (I'm sure the Economy is flattered as well) Now, while my main point was that assigning all blame to one party for the state of the US economy is hardly fair, I'm happy to reply to your answer.

To start with, you are entirely correct that the Democrats have not had a veto-proof majority for the past 6 years. They still have control over committees, where legislation is drafted, and the legislative calendar, which determines the bills that will be debated on the floor. So let's keep in mind that every bill voted on by Congress has already passed a Democrat-controlled committee of both houses, and the Democrat leadership's legislative calendar of both houses.
This, of course, does not actually prevent Congress from passing laws and forcing the President to veto them - a useful tactic as it puts the President on defense for his veto, rather than pressure on Congress for failing to act. But you can imagine how many more Democrat-preferred spending and economic bills make it to the floor than do Republican-preferred bills.
Naturally, the President can only sign or veto bills that actually get to his desk. He doesn't have any power to draft laws himself, and must depend on Congress to author responsible laws based on solid economic principles (and good luck with THAT, no matter who's in power)
If a bad law was signed, then I think that equal blame must be shared by the Democrat-led Congress that wrote it, and the President who signed it. Again, that's all I asked.
So, are you saying that there are some bills that would have strengthened the economy that President Bush vetoed, but shouldn't have? I'd be interested to hear your take on his very few exercises of the veto.

Moving on, I do indeed recall two government shutdowns (of "non-essential employees") during the 90s. As I remember it, Congress passed budget bills that weren't big enough for your man Bill. Bill wanted to spend more money, and raise taxes along to way to make sure that he could do it.
The Republican-led Congress refused, and let the government's authorization to spend money expire. There may have been other times prior to this when this happened, but my political memory only goes back so far - to the mid 80s. This particular time I remember well because I wondered why the hell the government was employing those people in the first place if they were non-essential.

As to our comparative educations in History, I'll take a pass on that. My schooling in US Government came primarily from my creepy 9th grade teacher Mrs. Eichmann, who always had a big smile on her face, regardless of how gruesome the subject was. Stalin? Viking Wing Death? It's grins all around from Mrs. E.
I'll also have to skip over your unemployment office experience, since you didn't say when it happened or for how long. It wouldn't be gentlemanly of me to ask a lady to supply such salacious (what a great word that is) things as dates and times.

I really like your National Debt chart though. Granted, it's from a politically biased source, (an LA County Democrat Party) so it should be discounted out of hand, and we should go look up the raw data ourselves. As we both have important things to do like watch Food Network and Ice Road Truckers, let's just assume that their data is accurate and move on.
This graph really cuts to the core of my (and the Economy's) point made in the earlier comment. Replace all the labels that refer to the party of the President in power, with the party in control of Congress, and we see a very different graph. Practically all of the large increases in the debt occur under Democrat-controlled Congresses, and the period of reduction in debt increases occur during a Republican-led Congress.

So when we assign some blame to the branch of government in which spending originates, it's not so clear-cut, is it? As my Congressionally-labeled graph shows, 9 of the 10 largest increases occurred under Democrat-led Congresses. (1985, 1990-1993, 2003-2006) 10 out of 10, if we include 2007, which does not appear on this graph. Incidentally, the NEW Records! that the Gardena Valley Democrats thought were so important to mention all happened under Democrat Congresses as well.
It's also important to note that this is a graph of INCREASES to the debt. Notice that not once does it ever decrease. Ever.

I've been dirt poor through both Clinton and Bush, though I've never felt poor enough to say I was "penny pinching." There was economic growth during both periods, but how it was reported by the media is mainly what makes people feel about good or bad economic times. Regardless, our individual experiences are statistically insignificant when talking about something as massive as the largest economy on the planet.

I'm with you on BO, though. I get lost trying to keep up with what he believes from day-to-day. About the only thing that's stayed consistent is that any criticism of his proposals or personal deficiencies is "a distraction from the issues" or "isn't helping [Michelle Obama's] kids."
If BO's like me, and can't stand the liquid annoying-ness that oozes off of Lindsey Buckingham, then I don't blame him for taking a pass on the Mac. If he's looking for a song from the era, I'd suggest Journey's "Any Way You Want It."

"Any way you want it
Thats the way you need it
Any way you want it"

There's a bunch of stuff in there about lovin' touchin' and/or squeezin' (hey, they should have written a song about that stuff too) but the BO-centric part gets mentioned over and over. I'm sure that makes me and Journey (and possibly the Economy, too) a bunch of racists.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

2008-06-14T02:38:00.000-05:00

Hello again, everyone. It's Flag Day again, so before I get to my point, I'd like to begin with my traditional request to post the colors with dignity. Remember that we don't fly them for each other, we fly them to honor those who made it possible for us to be flying them today. They'll appreciate it.

On a personal note, this marks the beginning of my third year as Rachy's blog-homey. Many of you also lurk over at her site, so you know she's been in and out of the hospital for the better part of last year. For my part, I can say that it's been a rather lonely internet without her around. Whether it's an intesting comment on German literature, poking fun at inane celebrity, or a report of a recent night's carousing, I've always looked forward to whatever she's had to write. I didn't always understand it, of course, but I appreciated it nonetheless. (someone told me they spoke English in Australia... but I'm not so sure)

With as much traffic as this blog gets, I'm sure word of this post will get back to Rachy in no time flat... say a month or two. So whenever it is that you do happen to drop by, Rachy - well, I was thinking of ya. Have a drink on me. I'm good for it... possibly.

We can't even think of a word that rhymes

2008-05-26T02:38:00.003-05:00

Hoo boy, what have I been up to this month...

For starters, the semester from hell turned out to be rather good to my grades. I ended up with a 3.6 this spring, and stand a good chance of being on the Dean's list. Maybe I should have been doing it this way all along...

Most importantly, I graduated from Hammhock U. The ceremony was alright, despite a truly inept guest speaker. He played Basis-Ball or whatever like 40 years ago, and apparently hasn't done anything worth mentioning since. His entire speech seemed to be an attempt to use as many "sports as a metaphor for life" platitudes as possible before the audience succumbs to ennui. It damn near worked, too.
I walked across the stage about 14th out of almost 300 people. Luckily, I ended up sitting next to an acquaintance of mine through the rest of the dog & pony show. Unfortunately, every fourth word out of his mouth was "dude" or "like." (Thanks for making my degree look even more prestigious, bro)
I don't have to worry about the school year almost being over - it's never even going to start!

I'm still in the process of finding a job. I didn't think it would be this difficult, as my degree's a little more useful than, say, art history or stabbing oneself in the face. On the other hand, maybe it's just my insistence that my job description not involve determining another person's preference regarding their meal's french fry status.

I was dragged to StealYourDollarCity last week. This would be an entire post unto itself if i weren't a lazy whore. As such, I'll just do an executive summary in bullet form.
Pros:

Not being dragged into Branson proper.
Extremely short or non-existent lines for EVERYTHING.
More Kangaroo jerky than you can believe.
The House of (Very Little) Barbecue was actually packed to the gills with Barbecue this time. Plus, they had five (count 'em, FIVE) different types of sauce!

Cons:

Didn't do the full Dolly. (included here solely for Hillbilly Mom's benefit. I can take her or leave her)
Not even one frickin' Journey song on the radio through the entire drive.
Completely forgot about getting a picture of Dick Stiff's Gynecology office.

God help me, but I just don't have that much to complain about on a trip to Branson. S'gotta be a sign of the Apocolypse or somethin'.

Most importantly, it's Memorial Day today folks. Whatever you do with your day, take a moment to remember those who sacrificed so that you're free to do it.
Additionally, as I do every year I'd like to remind you all to fly your flags properly, please.

Its fun to lose and to pretend

2008-04-28T02:38:00.000-05:00

I don't suppose any of you would believe that it's (Extremely) Random Posting Day, would you?

No, I didn't think so.

Regardless, if Rachy can finally get up off her ass and start posting again, then I can't really make excuses for not following suit, can I? Unfortunately, after almost two month of blog-silence, I really don't have anything much to say. I've spent all my time holding on to my school schedule with both hands, and just trying to pass. It's my last semester at good ol' Hammistan U. and I've wisely saved some of the most difficult courses for last. On top of that, EVERY class in my major has some sort of group project that's due right about now. I've got 5 projects in 4 classes, and just finding time to meet with all these people is making me batshit crazy. But hey, in about two weeks, I'll get a sheep's ass with my name written on it that says I've done gradurbated. It's SO worth it... or something.

Anywhom, that's my excuse for not posting more often. It almost sounds believable, doesn't it? As far as you know, it is!

But I digress. On to the random posting.

I've noticed that when I drink coffee-flavored drinks (e.g. Slim Fast, or Frappuchinos) that my piss smells strongly like coffee. This isn't really anything odd - a google search will confirm that lots of people go through that. However, when I drink actual coffee... my piss just smells like piss.
Weird, huh?

My Cowboys picked up Pacman Jones from Tennessee this week. I guess they finally ran out of regular uniforms, and needed to get someone who would be comfortable in an orange jumpsuit. The best part is that in another 5 years or so, that will be the 'Boys official "Throwback" Uni.
Hah. I kid, I kid. Still, I've gotta love Pacman for keeping my favorite Cowboys joke relevant:

How is it that Jerry Jones can always find a seat on the bench when he's sideline at a game?
He sneaks up behind the players sitting down and says "Will the Defendant please rise."

~sigh~

In a perfect world, clowns like Pacman would be the Hot Pretzel guy, and Dat Nguyen would still be on the field tackling guys like a fuckin' freight train.

Time will always slip through

2008-02-29T02:38:00.006-06:00

I decree today to be Random thought Leap Day. Because, you know, I have the time, energy, and motivation to post just about that often.

First up, Maybe I shouldn't post so often. Otherwise, I'd get people sending me pictures of their naked bodies, like Rachy does. Sometimes I swear she only blogs in order to keep that river of sweet boobie pictures flowin' in.

And speaking of naked pictures, I've been watching a hell of a lot of porn lately. Kindof. Well, it's Food Network, but still... I know you guys understand exactly what I mean.
Look, I was off cable for about seven years, and only recently got back on the pipe. When I fisrt sat down to re-acquaint myself with cable it was like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey when Dave goes through the Star Gate. Oh sure, I now realize that it's pretty much the same crap on TV now that it was back in the day... except for the Food Network.
I get that in order to keep viewers coming back again and again, you have to cultivate a visceral experience for them, much like pornography does. Except that Food Network has to hold your attention for at least half an hour, but porn only has to make it interesting for a couple minutes.
So yeah, it's food porn, but it's industrial-strength food porn. And my entire point in this mini-dissertation is that the other night when I was getting ready to play my Iron Chef drinking game, (e.g. drink once when Alton declares that the Ice Cream Machine is on, twice if he does it overly enthusiastically) I heard Alton offhandedly mention umami. I am not ashamed to admit that I got a bit of a stiffy from that.

I've seen a couple groups of kids out selling Girl Scout Cookies this week. I pray there's none of them around when I get paid, or I might as well not even bother going to the bank to deposit it.

You really need the gold that you've thrown away

2008-02-02T02:38:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I've gotten busy with the arrival of the new year. I'm finally in my final semester at Hammistan U. (home of the fightin' Hamhocks!) but in order to gradurbate, I've had to nearly double my usual course load. I also wisely saved some of the most difficult classes for last, so you can imagine the demands upon my time. Thankfully, I've got my priorities straight, so here I am blogging again...
Anyway, that's not what I logged in tonight to tell you about. I actually dropped in to spread the word that there's been another odd disturbance in the state of ~~Misery~~ Missouri. Courtesy of Mark comes this latest possible sighting of Hillbilly Mom's Hillbilly Husband:

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. -- Some women in Springfield are regretting their decision last week to get a tattoo from a door-to-door tattoo salesman. At least one person had to be hospitalized and the others face serious health risks.
Friday night, a man knocked on doors holding a tattoo gun and offering his services. Tamra Eason described the tool as homemade, but still agreed to pay for a tattoo. So did two other women in her apartment complex.
"It was wrapped with black tape, had a pin underneath it, had fishing wire going through it, you could tell it was a homemade gun," Eason said.

The article goes on to dish out plenty of practical advice, such as:

"Getting a tattoo is like a wound. There's a risk of disease that may be long term or life threatening. It's a serious decision," said Jaci McReynalds, with the Greene County Health Department.

It's so much like a wound, that needles repeatedly pierce your flesh at high speeds. No, seriously, you guys, it even says that on wikipedia!
Finally, there's this lil' gem:

"Beware of deals in parachutes, brain surgery and tattoos," said Miller Cotton, a tattoo parlor owner.

Sadly, this dude turns out to be the brightest bulb in the bunch... except maybe for the mystery tattoo artist, who has thus far eluded capture while assisting three fools bid their money adieu.

There are, of course, some who will doubt that HH is behind this incident, but they don't read this blog, so the hell with them. Should you encounter one of those unfortunate souls as you go about your daily affairs, simply remind them that it is well-documented that HH has two families, which reside in DoNotLand and Diva Country, respectively. Springfield, as any map will attest, is located right upon the main thoroughfare between these two families... so obviously what happened was that while in transit between his families, HH ran short of gas money for one of his finely-crafted automobiles, and had to improvise his way out of the predicament.

I don't think it all rash to predict that HH will open a tattoo parlour in his Mini-mansion sometime in the near future. Buyer beware.

We got to pump the stuff to make us tough

2008-01-04T02:38:00.000-06:00

The force is strong in this one:

An 11-year-old boy demonstrated The Force when he defended his mom by hitting an attacker with a toy lightsaber.

Police said the boy hit the man with his toy after the man had punched and verbally abused his mother as she approached her car.

Just wait until this kid turns 16 and gets the keys to his first X-Wing. Evildoers beware!

Eeverything you love becomes everything you hate

2007-12-24T02:38:00.000-06:00

So it's the "holiday" season, (even though Hanukkah ended almost three weeks ago we all know that "holiday" is just code for "I want to say 'Christmas' without getting sued") and it's tempting to put together a thoughtful and stirring appeal to mankind's better nature, and to stop treating each other like shit the other 364.25 (or 357.25 for the Jooooos) days of the year. Yeah, well that and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee... unless you're one of those whores who goes to Starbucks where hot water run through some ground-up beans magically costs $8.

Regardless, I got nothing. If you really must have that feeling, then go watch the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, because everyone else's "special holiday message" is just a cheap ass Linus imitation. Well, everyone else except New Zealand. (h/t to Purple Avenger, blogging at Ace's)

Leave it to those kiwi-fucking hobbit-wannabes to really celebrate the shit out of Christmas... No wonder kids are scared of the fat fucker. I would be too if all of a sudden Kris Kringle went all "Futurama" on me.

Anyway, happy "holidays" to all my reader(s).

As the power surges and my right foot urges

2007-12-12T02:38:00.000-06:00

Relax everyone, I'm not dead.

-- crickets chirping --

Aaaaaanyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that if you happen to be traveling in Europe over the holidays, be sure to pick up the newly released remake of The French Connection. It stars Formula 1 legend, Michael Schumacher as a hard-boiled... no wait. That's not it at all - in truth, it's much, much better.

BERLIN (AFP) - Michael Schumacher may well be the fastest taxi driver in Germany after the seven-times world champion shocked a cab driver by taking over the wheel in order to be on time for a flight. When the former Formula One ace, plus his wife and two children, caught a taxi back to the airport, they were short on time and, after a polite request, cab driver Tuncer Yilmaz watched in wonder as Schumacher took the wheel.

"I found myself in the passenger seat, which was strange enough, but to have "Schumi" behind the wheel of my cab was incredible," Mr Yilmaz told the Muenchner Abendzeitung. "He drove at full throttle around the corners and over-took in some unbelievable places."

The German track ace, who now lives in Switzerland, retired from Formula One in 2006 after a glittering career and, despite test drives for his old team Ferrari, has insisted there is no chance of a return to racing.

Nope, screw racing on a track where everyone can see it coming. "Schumi's" going to adopt the full-time "Random Encounter Table" form of racing.

Almost crying underneath the vine

2007-11-25T02:38:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned over at It's a Matter of Opinion, I'd like to offer my condolences to the nation of Australia. Look, you guys are generally all right, but there is something seriously wrong with an electorate when a douchenozzle like this is even considered to be a candidate for federal office:

Seriously, even though he was railroaded with that spelling bee thing, you never heard from Dan Quayle again, did you? It was soooo simple, you wallaby-rapists, but No! God help us all, you actually elected the dumbass. Were you all on those vodka IV drips from the hospital or something?

And you won't give up the search for the ghosts in the halls

2007-11-20T02:38:00.000-06:00

So I'm putting up the post yesterday, and I was having a lot of problems getting the image to cooperate. At first, I figured it was some effed up new dealie at photobucket, but then I realized that all the rest of the images were hosting just fine. Then, I realized that my photo editing software at work just wasn't cutting Col. Mustard. [salute] Colonel Mustard! [/salute]
One short drive home, and a few "crop" functions later, and the comic is looking all snazzy and correctly-sized. But wait... what's that? The tooltips aren't working. That's odd... all the others are work-- no. No, they're not working either. What's wrong with Blogger this time?

Of course, it turns out that nothing's wrong with Blogger after all. Captain Dumbass [salute] Captain Dumbass! [/salute] has been putting "alt" attributes into his IMG tags, instead of "title" attributes. Many many clicks and keystrokes later, I've inadvertently built a brand new time-wasting activity for all my loyal reader(s) who are out of school for Thanksgiving break.
Have fun going back through the blog finding all the pictures!

Extra Credit for: Traveling over three years into the past, you'll undoubtedly notice that some of the swearing is starting to get stale. While keeping in mind that I'm not yet in Advanced-level Hammistani classes, if anyone wants to offer helpful suggestions for punching up old curses, drop me an email at the blog's address (stewed underscore hamm underscore sucks [at] yahoo [dot] com)

Extra Extra Credit for: Anyone that actually reads this within a month of me posting it, and has so little joy in thier lives that they have time to email me. Enjoy the points, Emo Kid, they're all you have left to live for.

A1A, Beachfront Avenue, Oaktown USA

2007-11-19T02:38:00.000-06:00

Just in case you all you guys who get this week off from school didn't know what to do with yourselves...

The edge of night, distract yourself

2007-11-04T02:38:00.000-06:00

One of the blogs listed on the left over there posted the 12 Products From Hell list (which can be seen here and here - though it's up to you to determine which of them is the author, and which is a copyright-infringing dick-holster) for Halloween recently. I think it was Ace... but that's not really important. Anyway, I was just thinking that I dodged a bullet because I didn't see any of that crap in my trick-or-treat bag this year.

Or so I thought.

I got to the bottom of the bag today (hey, what can I say, I was hungry and I'll be damned if I'm waiting a half hour for Dominoes when there's gummi pizzas in my candy bag right fucking NOW) and I saw something rather curious. Now, I'm generally willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt, so long as it doesn't involve any effort of my part... but If I didn't know better, I'd say those "3 Muskerteerses" bars my neighbor was passing out are Chinese knockoffs. What do you guys think?
After trying to eat one, I can confirm that those sneaky Mao-worshiping bastards have without question the worst quality control standards in the world. (And yes, I fully realize that those are solid lead ingots in the photo... you have no idea how long I searched for pictures of ones with Chinese characters on them.)

Waiting for her head to explode

2007-10-15T02:38:00.000-05:00

I've tried to write about this for a couple days now, and I'm still not sure which angle to take on it. Honestly, I'm not sure if this post should be overly critical, or highly complimentary, so I'm just going to throw some words at the screen here and see where it takes me. What I am sure of, however, is that our friend Rachy is in the wrong damn hospital.

BRISBANE, Australia - Doctors plugged an Italian tourist into a drip-feed of vodka to save him at a hospital in Australia that ran out of the medicinal alcohol it would normally have used for treatment.

"We quickly used all the available vials of 100 per cent alcohol and decided the next best way to get alcohol into the man's system was by feeding him spirits through a naso gastric tube," Dr. Gelperowicz said in a statement.

"The patient was drip-fed about three standard drinks an hour for three days in the intensive care unit," he said. "The hospital's administrators were also very understanding when we explained our reasons for buying a case of vodka."

The patient, who was believed to have ingested the poison in an attempt at self-harm, made a successful recovery.

Three drinks an hour for three whole days. By my math, that's 216 shots wasted on some asshole who wanted to hop the Antifreeze Express to "My-girlfriend-dumped-me-ville." Ladies and Gentlemen, the Australian medical system. Ass-backwards care for spinal patients, but an open bar for the suicidal dumbasses.

Everywhere is war, me say war

2007-10-01T02:38:00.000-05:00

Well, last Thursday came and went without mention, so for those of you just aching for some of my random thoughts, prepare to rejoice - your ship has come in.

I'm on a war kick today. I really don't know why, other than I just happened to recall an abominably stupid comment from a dried-up old hippie chick at a war protest four or five years ago. She had a sign that read "War is never the answer [insert fifteen exclamation point equivalents]," so I asked her "Was war the answer in 1776?"
Of course, she couldn't say yes because that would contradict her idiotic sign, but she couldn't bring herself to say no either, because she knew she didn't have an argument to explain how else we would currently be enjoying the freedoms secured in that war. After 10 or fifteen seconds of slack-jawed hemming and hawing, the best she can muster was "Well, I should think we've evolved since then," and quickly shambled away from me before I could ask her if war was also not the answer in 1812.

Edwin Starr was wrong. (Huh! Good God, y'all!) War is quite useful for defending one's own way of life against... say... religious fanatics who would impose their own ideology upon a subjugated population. (Say it again!)

War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. When a people are used as mere human instruments for firing cannon or thrusting bayonets, in the service and for the selfish purposes of a master, such war degrades a people. A war to protect other human beings against tyrannical injustice; a war to give victory to their own ideas of right and good, and which is their own war, carried on for an honest purpose by their free choice, — is often the means of their regeneration. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. As long as justice and injustice have not terminated their ever-renewing fight for ascendancy in the affairs of mankind, human beings must be willing, when need is, to do battle for the one against the other.
- John Stuart Mill

Peace out.

Voices in your body coming through on the radio

2007-09-20T05:07:00.000-05:00

There are times when each of us is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Hell, one can't have spent as much time in kollij as Diva or I have and not run across one or two subjects that make one's brain crazier than a fish with titties.

Letting Iranian "President" AchingForJihad tour Ground Zero and pay his respects to... whomever he saw fit? Crizzazzy.

OJ staging a stick-up? Pretty fucking crazy.

But this guy? He's got retard-strength crazy coming out his ears. Seriously, he makes all my previous Big Dumb Sheep posts seem like Graduate Theses by comparison.

A man in Oregon nearly died after a pet rattlesnake that he put in his mouth while drinking with some friends bit him inside his throat. Matt Wilkinson said when he put his eastern diamondback rattlesnake down his throat, he immediately noticed a shot-like sensation.

Wilkinson, who nearly died from the incident, is still recovering from the bite."They said I had enough venom in me to kill between 12 and 15 people," Wilkinson said.

But the money quote, containing the world-caliber stupid is saved for the very end:

"I still love snakes but I will take a little more care in handling them," Wilkinson said. "It is kind of my own stupid fault."

Just "kind of" your fault, there, Professor? Not maybe, say, "entirely" or "unequivocally" or "abso-fucking-lutely" your fault?

Good Lord, how is it statistically possible that this Ralph Wiggum wannabe hasn't walked in front of a bus?

I wish I had a nickname like Crusher, Snake or Kenneth

2007-09-07T21:05:00.000-05:00

Random Thought Thursday strikes again. This time, it's so random, it's not even on Thursday!

First off, I'm glad to see that "Mark's" legal troubles are... ahem... behind him.

More importantly, though, is that if I ever have a kid, I'm going to nickname him or her "Yard Dog." Or "Bush Ape." I'm not for sure which one I'll go with, but definitely one of those two.
Seriously, though, how cool would it be the only kid in second grade with a nickname like "Bush Ape?" All the TJ's and the JR's that were at the top of the nickname heap when we were kids can suck it, because my kid Yard Dog owns them!
You know, Yard Dog and Bush Ape are such awesome nicknames, that I'm going to stick with them even if I have a daughter. OK, sure, she'll have to toughen up a bit if she's gonna be called Yard Dog, but I think she'll find it useful later on in life. No quarterback's going to try getting grabby on a date with my daughter Bush Ape, that's for damn sure.
The one area where I foresee problems is if I adopt a baby from China or Korea. Every nerd in the herd will spooge all over himself if he got within the same zip code as a hot Asian girl named Yard Dog.

Hmmm. I need to balance this out so it's not so obvious that I just wanted to riff on a couple of sweet nicknames I thought up. So here's one for the road: Given the massive dye job that Osama's got in his new video, is it racist for me to wonder if he used "Just For Men?"

But you're mistaking speed for getting what you need

2007-08-30T23:25:00.000-05:00

I've been struck by the inspirationy goodness of Hillbilly Mom's Random Thought Thursday posts, so here I am back again to blog you like a hurricane. In fact, I've got so much inspiration, I just invented the word "inspirationy.")

So anyway, earlier this week I was driving home from work when I saw a red Ford Explorer driving through Hammistan. It had special edition Mississippi plates that said "Support Petal Schools," which naturally made me think of our friend Meanie. I naturally wondered out loud if that was Mr. and Mrs. McTimmslastname ahead of me, but then I thought "nah, she was supposed to be working today."

Then again, I've learned a thing or two during all this time that I've read her blog. I immediately came back with "You know... she could be making a break for it."

P.S. Hillbilly Mom, you might want to keep a better eye on your significant other. Sounds to me like he's been up to a shenanigan or two.

Pretty Mary bought some skates upon the ice to frisk

2007-08-08T14:38:00.000-05:00

So, Barry* Bonds hit another home run last night, bringing his total up to 756* and breaking Hank Aaron's record... if you want to get caught up in that sort of thing. For those of us who are still sane, it's crystal clear why Barry*'s drug-addled ass wasn't thrown out of baseball years ago - money.
How much money has MLB stood to rake in amid all the "record-breaking" hype. Or at least, how much did they think they stood to make, anyway. Bud Selig was clearly hoping to see a repeat of all the excitement from the single-season home run chase... which honestly wasn't' much to write home about even then. (what with the aforementioned drugs and all.)

So yeah, fuck that cheating bastard Barry* Bonds. He and Selig are both first-class whores for what they've done to another cherished part of the game's history. What a pair.

Of course, this won't stop me from trying to make a profit off of my Barry* Bonds rookie card. Anyone interested in making a serious offer should email me or leave a comment below.

Tell me that I'm lying 'bout a job

2007-08-01T14:38:00.000-05:00

So, here we are in August. Lovely weather, innit?

Anyway, because we are the beneficiaries of Hillbilly Mom's overflowing wisdom, we know that the school year is almost over. Due to that impending deadline, I'm going to have to hit the bricks all year and secure myself some gainful employment for the "rest of my life" period that comes after college.
Now, I'm not worried about my resume. It is what it is, and I've worked hard to make it as good as I can. What gets me all nervy is the job interview. I've got a mock interview tomorrow, and I'm hoping I don't get any of those weird "What animal would you describe yourself as?" or "How many quarters would you have to stack up to reach the top of the Sears Tower?"

Well, not those two specifically. I've already prepared my answers for the questions I *know* I'm nervous about. It's the other weird shit that's making me nervous... the Kinko's Test kind of weird. (Note: for those of you who have never lowered yourself to apply for a job at Kinko's, in the olden days their pre-screening test was like 300 questions... all of which were designed to see if you're a criminal, insane, or criminally insane. Sample question: "True or false - most people have two thumbs?")

I know some of you reader(s) have been going on interviews lately. Let's hear the weird questions you were asked... especially if you applied at Kinko's.

Passing silhouettes of strange illuminated mannequins

2007-07-12T02:38:00.000-05:00

I started out today to do a search string post, in the hopes that it would force Rachy to post her better, sicker ones... but as is my wont, I was completely sidetracked by the internet. Let this be an object lesson in the dangers of Google.

First, a little background. It seems that Billy Blanks is currently making a big splash in Japan. His infomercials are all over the place there, just like in the good ole days of Tae-Bo. Here's one where he surprises a Japanese high school P.E. class, and turns it into one of his commercials. For bonus comedy, stick through it until the end where you can watch him giving an "inspirational" speech to the class... in English.

Anyway, the point of all this is that while you could reasonably expect a Google search for Billy Blanks to turn up Japanese links... you might not expect them to be about amazingly cool stuff like this:

Ever dreamed of being drawn close to a smiling Marilyn Monroe or feeling the muscles of fitness guru Billy Blanks? A Japanese firm on Wednesday unveiled a system that enables you to feel "the shape and softness" of three-dimensional images using a sensor-loaded glove. The "tangible 3D" system creates graphics that seem to burst out of a screen and has a glove that allows users to "feel" them.

Some scientist has a man-crush on the esteemed Mr. Blanks, methinks. Expect a fully-functional Mecha-Billy, complete with rocket launchers, pulse laser, and bulging biceps to be marketed by Nissan in the next decade.

The developer was exploring commercial applications which could include video phones, said engineer Shiro Ozawa.
If a person linked to the system moves in another place, his or her three-dimensional image also moves in real-time. The user would feel as if they were being pulled along if the image moves while grasping your hand.

Fricking cool, wouldn't you say? Creepily written, but cool. Also, don't fall for that line in the article about video phones being the prime commercial application. This is Japan we're talking about here... that baby's going straight to the pr0n industry. Mecha-Billy is closer than you think.

One and One is Two, Six and Two is Eight

2007-07-03T14:38:00.000-05:00

So... even though I've been dropping comments across my blogroll like a regular Tom Miller over here, I disappear from the interwebs for a week and nobody notices. Ah well, "what is the sound of one hand clapping a tree that fell in a forest" and such.

Anyway, I recently spent the better part of a week in the Chicago area, visiting relatives. I didn't get much time to do touristy stuff, so there's not much to tell, unless you want to hear about a bunch of people's medical problems. Still, despite my lack of a fancy day-by-day travelogue chock-full of interesting stories like Hillbilly Mom managed to provide from her vacation digging holes in the ground, there were a few things of note that occurred.

When I had heard enough about everyone's goiters and bursitis, I took the train into the city to look around. It was my first ride on a commuter train, so while not nearly as glamorous as my previous rides, such as the cogwheel train up Pike's Peak, it still made the day into something of an adventure. Being that I was on my first trip to the Windy City, I stuck with the places you're "supposed to see." Or at least, that was my intention. What actually happened was that I started off at the Art Institute museum, and spent the entire day there filling up my culture bar.

I should start out explaining for those of you who haven't had the opportunity to make the trip that the museum is immense. It covers so many styles of art, from traditional painting and sculpture, to pottery, ancient weapons, and ancient coins. There's even a couple of rooms of period furniture, including an impressive amount of pieces from Frank Lloyd Wright.

So, no, this is not a typical museum that has a handful of "showcase" paintings, and fills the rest of the place with stuff that only art dorks care about. No, virtually every room in that place has a painting or sculpture that's famous - by which, I mean famous to those of us who didn't waste our formative years listening to R.E.M. and thinking that their godawful haircut made them "deep." Every room has works that you can find in any art book read by the general public. Many rooms had two or three such pieces.

My favorite room by far was the one with American Gothic, The Portrait of Dorian Gray, and Nighthawks. Unfortunately, Nighthawks is on tour this year so I didn't get to see it in person, thus my favorite room was also my biggest disappointment. They also have an amazing collection of Whistler pieces - probably the largest in the world - and I came away being much more impressed with his work than before. His style really doesn't lend itself well to the glossy-paged "arty" books that would really show off someone else's work... like Monet f'rinstance.

They also had a large collection of Georgia O'Keefe's work. She actually studied at the Institute for a time, and over the years donated not only a number of her own pieces but also works given to her by her artist friends. As much as I could try to get excited about that... if you've seen one painting that's a metaphor for someone's vagina, you've pretty much seen them all.

Anyway as I said, I spent the entire day at the museum - I'm not kidding. I arrived less then 20 minutes after they opened and was practically ushered out the door as they closed. So, speaking of Monet, with half an hour left before the museum was due to close, I realized I hadn't seen *any* of the European art yet. I had spent so much time looking through all their American and Asian pieces that time had just slipped away. What I also hadn't done is see Sunday at La Grand Jette, which is required viewing for anyone who enjoys fine cinema such as Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

So I'm questing for this painting, with the short amount of time I have looming large in my mind. My feet are killing me, because I've walked at least six miles through the museum by this point, and as I'm wandering among scores of priceless impressionist paintings, I stumble into a room filled with Monet and Matisse pieces. Had I come to this part of the museum at the beginning of the day, I could have spent an hour sitting in this room studying each one... but I was so tired all I could conjure up was "Oh... here's some Monets. That's nice."

Even as tired as I was, when I rounded the next corner I was confronted with Seurat's masterpiece Grand Jette. My Lord is it ever HUGE! I mean, you see it in books, and all they want to talk about is about pointillism and the importance of the movement, and technical whatnot... but they leave out the fact that this painting fills the bloody wall. It's easily eight feet tall, and just as wide... and it's covered with tens of thousands of little dots. Imagine the painstaking work and ambition it takes to even want to paint that, much less actually doing it.

So yeah, I had my Cameron Frye moment. It was well worth the wait.

Crossing the street right in front of the Museum I saw a guy with a Hammistan U. cap on. We chatted for a bit at waiting at the crosswalk about the Hamhocks and stuff. It was an interesting little bonus that even a thousand miles away from home, there's still "regular" people. Kind of a universality of mankind, circle of life sort of thing, you know? Maybe not... as I said, I was tired.

So that was my day in Chi-Town. Afterwards, rather than drop $40 a plate at a restaurant in The Loop that I would be too tired to really enjoy, I caught the train back and grabbed a burger in town. How fortunate I was, because the place I stopped at, Schoop's, was outstanding. Killer cheese fries, and Green River at the soda fountain... it was heaven.

If you've never had it (and if you're not from the Chicagoland area or the 1930s, you probably haven't) Green River is a bit difficult to describe. The best I can do is tell you that it's like lemon-lime Kool-Aid... only in soda form. Therefore, to someone stricken with "Lime Disease" like myself, this was like a smile from God put into a cup... with free refills. Lime disease, by the way, has nothing to do with tick bites or any of the like, it's simply my lameassed joke about my appetite for limes and anything lime-flavored. I love the hell outta lime-type food. I eat enough limes, I'm pretty sure I could qualify for British citizenship.

Try shaking a box in front of the Queen

2007-06-14T14:38:00.000-05:00

Well it's Flag Day once more. If, by now, I have to tell any of my loyal readers about proper flag etiquette, I'd just as soon punch either one of them in the throat.

What's really important to remember today is that Rachy and I have been blog-homies for two years now. So today I'm going to celebrate in the appropriate fashion - with alcohol that I'm going to be drinking anyway, but I'll pretend that it's in honor of her. Cheers, Rachy!

For if the road were easy, your faith would not be needed

2007-06-07T02:38:00.000-05:00

Right off the bat, you'll notice that I've been fiddling around with the template tonight... assuming that this is even readable on your 'puter. I've got just the one monitor to test it out with, but I'm really happy with the way the blog's looking now. It seems so much more readable than before - all the way to eleven, as far as I'm concerned. (That is, naturally, subject to change as I have the opportunity to test-drive it on differing sizes of monitors.)

You mileage, of course, may vary. If the blog is just flat-ass broken for anyone, drop me a comment or email, and I'll dial it down a notch.

This all started because of my discovery today of Fred Thompson's exploratory committee's website: I'mWithFred. I tried to put up their donation widget in the sidebar, but it kept hijacking the text and turning it solid black. (which puts readability at around .8 if you must know) So instead of having a massive landslide of cash credited to my wicked communications network, I'll just have to settle for a button and a link.
I haven't really talked much about this weirdly-early start to the campaign, primarily out of apathy towards the current crop of candidates. Fred changes all that in a heartbeat. Can you imagine Fred at the next debate? Hell, he'll rip that wackjob Ron Paul's throat out with his teeth, then piss down his neck... and that's just his scripted introduction! Just wait until he really gets rolling with some questions. No matter who you eventually vote for, that's just good television any way you slice it.

One man stands hard as he waits for freedom's hand

2007-06-04T02:38:00.001-05:00

Eighteen years ago was a seminal moment in the formation of my political ideology. It was really the trigger that started me thinking about politics and paying attention to world events, so I think it's fair to say that it laid the foundation for the political thought and writing that I have done since. primarily because as it progressed everyone could tell that if successful, it would be a miraculous triumph of the human spirit and will... Unfortunately, that was not to be.
In the aftermath the next morning, as information finally leaked out to the rest of the world, what we saw was such a clear-cut black-and-white depiction of good and evil, freedom and tyrrany; even a child could recognize it for what it was.

Today is the eighteenth anniversary of the Tiannamen Square massacre. Even after so many years, the full count of the day's victims - which many estimate to be in the multiple thousands - is unknown but to God. Even after so many years, thinking about that day is one of the things that can make me tear up.

For a more "historical" write-up, here's the Beeb, courtesy of Gateway Pundit. Wikipedia has a rather good article about it as well, with lots of background for those of you who might not be familiar with 20th century Chinese history. (at the least, read up on the Democracy Wall from the late 70s) There's some powerful video coverage at the Beeb - well worth watching to the end. A haunting reminder from the demonstrators that day, and what they said, literally begging the foreign journalists: "Tell the world!"

Hug your kids today. Call your Mom just to say "hi." Go check out a book from your library. Stop in at a church on your lunch break to say a quick prayer. Cherish the doing of these simple little things that we take for granted, because so many people in the world still don't have the luxury to do them.

One other thing to do? TELL THE WORLD.

My leopard's navigation skills are totally crap

2007-05-30T02:38:00.000-05:00

Why not to fuck with the Jews: Reason #3871

I heard this on the radio as I was walking out of the house yesterday, but I thought for sure it had to be bullshit. Turns out I was wrong.

JERUSALEM — A man clad only in underwear and a T-shirt wrestled a wild leopard to the floor and pinned it for 20 minutes after the cat leapt through a window of his home and hopped into bed with his sleeping family.

"This kind of thing doesn't happen every day," said 49-year-old Arthur Du Mosch, a nature guide. "I don't know why I did it. I wasn't thinking, I just acted."

You think the little pissant jihadi-wannabe's throwing rocks in the streets are scary? Even if they're throwing leopards, the Jews aren't breaking a sweat over it.

When asked to comment, Fred Thompson was reportedly not impressed. "Wrestling a leopard in bed? Please. Around here, I call that 'foreplay.'"

----
Update: I found some video of this while trolling the web-nets for zebra porn. Keep in mind that it's from Reuters, so there's the standard-issue gratuitous parading of a body for the crowd.

And I sing the blues on every Decoration Day

2007-05-28T02:38:00.000-05:00

I'm not even going to try to write a Memorial Day post in tribute to those that sacrificed everything for freedom. Nothing that shows up on my "infinite monkey" style blog is going to be sufficient to encapsulate the debt we owe those who have gone before us and gave their own lives so that ours would be secure.

Now that the picnics, white sales, and races are over and done with, please don't forget that today - not all those other mundane little things - is when we mark the true purpose of the holiday. So I urge you to make it meaningful. Mainly though, I want to remind everyone flying their flags today of the proper etiquette for the holiday. Many folks don't fly their flags regularly, which is fine, so it's easy to forget that Memorial Day has a special protocol.

From dawn until noon the flag is flown at half-staff out of respect for those who have died. At noon, however, we raise the flag to its full height. Additionally, when first posting the colors, the flag is raised to its full height for a moment then slowly lowered to the half-mast position. If you've already posted your flag incorrectly today, please go correct it. Don't hesitate to politely ask anyone displaying their flag improperly to do so as well. (I'm always reminding the guys at Wal-Mart... it's gotten to the point now that when the manager sees me coming, he doesn't even wait - he pages someone to go out and fix the flag.)

I shouldn't really have to say this, but I know some jack-hole out there is going to try and stir up shit today. Anyone that takes offense at a correction for flying the flag has forgotten the reason we fly it in the first place. The short version is that it's not for any person's indivual pride, it's to show respect for our entire nation - both the institutions and the people... and on this day it's a very specific group of people. So if you're trying to show respect, you're failing to achieve your goal unless you do it properly.

And my work fills the sky with flame

2007-05-24T14:38:00.000-05:00

Any of you who also read my onetime Big Blogger 2 Cyberhousemate Mark's blog know that he's no stranger to the occasional blog drama. Actually, he's more like His Honor, the Mayor of Dramatown. (not to be confused with caketown) But I digress.

In the last couple weeks, Mark's blogged about a couple of pictures of his floating around the web-o-tron. Specifically, pix of guns pointing at the camera, and Zionist pets. Now, I fully intended to take my own versions of each of these and slap them up in support of Mark... but you know how me and photo deadlines are. I just don't roll like that. Hell, I never did get around to taking pictures of that Batman car from two years ago.

Anyway, a couple days ago, Mark referred to his blog as "the garbage I churn out for all my fucking unnappreciative trollcocks." As a man who appreciates colorful language, I had to stand up and applaud such a description of the dramatis personae that inhabit KOTGD. In the comments, I promised to create a trollcock badge... and today I make good on that promise.

Mark, whatever you want to do with it is entirely up to you. Award it to your friends, brand it upon you enemies, tattoo it on your mom. Whatever, I don't care. I'm satisfied just knowing that more people are saying the word "trollcock" because of you.
I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that I'm a very appreciative trollcock. So thanks, Mark.

You're one of those guys I haven't seen since 1998

2007-05-18T02:38:00.000-05:00

So... where the hell have I been lately, anyway?

Working my kiester off for a measly 3.0 this semester is the short answer. Unlike the Diva, I didn't get the fancy cars and fabulous prizes at kollij. No, I just barely squeaked out a lousy copy of the home game. Witness:

International Marketing: A
Eastern Economies Seminar: A
Intermediate Hammistani II: D

For the record, I want to say that I didn't feel right turning in work that was as littered with profanity as a city park after a hippie march. Generally, this is a positive... unless one happens to be studying Hammistani. Anyone who's spent twelve seconds reading the blog knows that we Hamms likey the F-bombs.

~Ahem~

I mean "Fuckitty-fucking motherfuckin bitch-licker on a flaming shit-cycle!!"

See my problem now? I wrote an entire paragraph about how much I curse, and I didn't even curse in it. It's a fucking miracle I passed that class.

Anyway, that's not what I came to talk to you about. I came to talk about where I've been in the two weeks since finals ended. Long story short, (too late) I've been hanging out with The Bruce.

Motherfucker is way more than two Durans. He's Duran to the fourth power at the very least. Also, at the risk of being gauche, may I say that for a guy who cut off his hand with a chainsaw, he certainly can tickle those ivories. His piano playing ain't bad either. (rim shot!)

----

Update: I just noticed that ~~Mizz Ann~~ Mean Teacher got better grades than me, too. And Rachy's back blogging today, to boot! Add in Mark's Zionist Pet pictures, and it's full-on pandemonium out there.
Dammit, but when you people get together to steal my thunder, you really go all-out. I have to admit that my hat's off to you all.

I want the Frim Fram Sauce

2007-04-30T14:38:00.000-05:00

So, I'm not dead... though with the end of semester crush on, it remains to be seen how long that remains true.

Anyway, blah blah busycakes.

Good Heavens, Miss Akimoto... you're beautiful!

2007-04-13T02:38:00.000-05:00

So I'm perusing my blogroll, catching up on reading after being offline for a day, and I see that Hillbilly Mom has issued another one of her Trivia Challenges in which commentors take on the role of the (allegedly) reality-challenged Mabel and attempt to provide answers to trivia questions that do not actually help Hillbilly Mom's team in the contest, because nobody has a chance to write down the wrong answers on their official entry form. (by the way: Longest. Sentence. Ever.)
Sooo, long story short, nobody was able to step up to the bat in yesterday's Science round. Ah well, never send a boy to do a Hamm's job... You can clearly see that by their complete lack of attempt to answer HM's questions, my fellow commentors have conceded this contest to me. Now, I could be a bastard and -- following the standard protocols of poker -- either outright refuse to show you my hand, or make you pay to see the cards I'm holding... but instead, I shall rise to the challenge and lay out my answers anyway. As Paul Anka said so well, it's time to put you all some fucking knowledge!

For your own edification, the questions (and my answers) are as follows:

Hillbilly Mom's SuperDuper Science Quiz Thingy

1) Who decreed that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction?
Many people believe it was Olivia Newton-John who best explained the workings of the universe with her "You have to believe it's magic" theorem, but Sir Isaac Newton put paid to that hogwash.

2) Who was the scientist who studied genetics using pea plants. Hint: It wasn't Punnett. He's too square.
Gregor Mendel of course. It's a dead giveaway, because anyone who can only manage to become famous for wasting his life getting pea-stink on his hands would have a sissy name like "Gregor."

3) What is the main difference between magma and lava?
Magma is a Sagittarius, who's into herbal remedies, tantric meditation, and Pilates. Her turn-offs include people that don't use coasters and men who smoke in public places. Lava is Magma's twin sister, only she's "out" on the Earth's surface... ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkthatyoudo.

4) What makes some atoms more stable than others?
Therapy. Years and years of therapy.

And also, how many neutrons they've acquired in their nucleus (possibly from doing the Neutron Dance) and what isotope they feel like wearing on that particular day.

5) Would you like to drop a chunk of potassium in the bathtub? Why or why not?
Would I like to? Oh HELL yes. If I got it on tape, I'd be a YouTube legend like the Diet Coke and Mentos guys... I just wouldn't do it in my own bathtub, as potassium (or any other alkaline metal for that matter) is highly explosive when combined with water... which the question didn't specify, but I'm assuming is what HM was driving at.

6) Where are phalanges found?
Most people will find phalanges at the end of their hand and foot stumps. However, based on the tales you have told about your DoNots, your guess is as good as mine as to where they'll turn up.

7) Who or what performs transpiration?
In Heaven, there's not a lot to do most of the time, so God had an idea that he and all the angels should get some regular exercise. At first, they tried Tae-Bo, but really, who wants to spend eternity with Billy Blanks? After that, they all got into a good high-energy spinning class, and were really able to work up a sweat. This Divine perspiration is referred to by theologians as Transpiration. (I could Google current prices for vials of Transpiration on the web, but that would be cheating.)

8) Why are there no old crack wh*res? OK, that's not really a science question, but I heard it on Intervention, and thought this was a good chance to use it.
You all know how hard it is out here for a pimp, right? What with picking up their Academy Awards and whatnot? Well, it's that much harder to be a ho -- nappy-headed, crack, or otherwise. Just ask Don Imus about it; he's all over that story.

9) A calorie is the amount of e_____ necessary to raise the temperature of one gram of w_____ one degree C_______.
Is this like that old mimeographed "funsheet" they passed out in 5th grade where most of the words were represented by just the first letter? e.g. 4 Q in a G, 8 S on a S S, and 200 D for P G in M. Well I don't have the time or energy for that tomfoolery, since I've got all this water I'm trying to heat up by one degree Centigrade . (cuz' I don't roll wit dat Fahrenheit mofo, you dig?)

10) Name 3 of the 6 types of simple machines.
It's the 21st century now, HM. Nobody uses those old politically incorrect terms like simple machines anymore. In order to boost their self-esteem, we prefer to call them "special machines" or "super-duperly capable machines." All the young impressionable levers, wheels, and inclined planes will thank you for it.

There you have it, ~~rubes~~ my very good friends. Bask in my knowledge of... (say it with me now) SCIENCE!

Pleasantly paralyzed, there's light enough for your eyes

2007-04-01T02:38:00.000-05:00

Considering the knowledge put to us by the emminitely wise Senator Stevens, it was only a matter of time before some ubergeek managed to figure out a way for everyday folks to harness the power of the InterTube at home. Today, Google announced that they are that geek.

Sick of paying for broadband that you have to, well, pay for?

Introducing Google TiSP (BETA), our new FREE in-home wireless broadband service. Sign up today and we'll send you your TiSP self-installation kit, which includes setup guide, fiber-optic cable, spindle, wireless router and installation CD.

They go on to say that the service is capable of delivering up to 32 Mb/s download speed, and 8 Mb/s uploading (depending on what you had for breakfast)

Given the way that I've been treated by those fucking hacks at SBC lately, I'm almost pissing myself with anticipation over this TiSP thing. It would be the number one thing on my list to do today, but I've got to go to church first... so I guess that makes it #2.

Six whole hours and five long days

2007-03-23T02:38:00.000-05:00

Generally I don't go in for the meme-blogging, but it occurred to me that I haven't really linked to Diva since the summer, and that's just not right. So anyway, since I'm too busy to deal with a visit from Fitty, a few minutes spent smarting off to a list of questions should be just the preventative medicine that I need.

The rule of this particular meme is simple, answer each thing on the list with no more and no less than three words:

01. Where is your cell phone? Table, I think.
02. Boyfriend/girlfriend? Why... you busy?
03. Hair? Still some left
04. Your mother? Alive and kickin'
05. Your father? Golfing, most likely
06. Your favorite item(s)? My Brown Backpack
07. Your dream last night? I always forget
08. Your favorite drink? Dublin Doctor Pepper.
09. Your dream guy/girl? Miss Alyson Hannigan (Drew Barrymore Taken?) (Hotties from Osiris!)
10. The room you are in? Generic Work Environment
11. Your fear? Snakes Plus Plane
12. What do you want to be in 10 years? Not under ground
13. Who did you hang out with last night? Big Jim, Twins.
14. What are you not? Fat... I think.
15. Are you in love? Abso - effin - lutely
16. One of your wish list items? Dodge Viper Hardtop (Big Powerball Jackpot) (Finally Finish School)
17. What time is it? Time'ta Get Ill!
18. The last thing you did? Talked About Basketball
19. What are you wearing? Biz Caz Fri
20. Your favorite book? Very tough question (Lord of Rings) (Catch Twenty Two) (The Holy Scriptures) (The Hitchhiker's Guide)
21. The last thing you ate? Day Old Pizza
22. Your life? Ongoing, thank God.
23. Your mood? Fair to middlin'
24. Your friends? Homies for life (Exist - unlike Mabel)
25. What are you thinking about right now? Make more jokes!
26. Your car? Powered by rice (Not a Viper) (Four Door Sedan)
27. What are you doing at this moment? Big Frickin' Duh (Workin' For Livin')
28. Your summer? In three months
29. Your relationship status? Guys never know
30. What is on your TV screen? Nothing, I hope
31. When is the last time you laughed? Watching Andy Barker (Snappin' A Crat)
32. Last time you cried? I deny everything.
33. School? Kicking my ass.

For this many three-word answers, there should have been more three-word questions. Now that would take some talent.

There's one for you, nineteen for me

2007-03-22T02:38:00.000-05:00

Right. So here we are again... I've gone off and disappeared for a week or so, and now I come crawling back hoping you'll glance into this dusty little corner of your bloglife and take notice.

Or whatever.

Anyway let's pretend that I haven't blogged in a while because I've been spending all my time watching Andy Barker, PI. I'm not going to pretend that it's Earl-caliber or anything, but you could do a lot worse with your time.
For instance, you could be watching this:

I think I've proven my point.

Incidentally, if you're like me and have internet access, then you can watch a bunch of episodes online here. Instead of sitting through a bunch of lameassed ads for used cars and Head-On, you only have to watch the occasional (extremely loud) Turbo Tax spot.
A fun thing to do, if you like is to watch tonight's episode like 47 times and then go over to a friend's house and say all the dialogue along with the show. Then, they'll think you're psychic and you can con them out of their money and/or Civil War chess set.

Make sure you watch the right episode, though, or they won't fall for it when you're putting their chess set inside your coat. It's pretty embarrassing... trust me on this.

Look for the Union label...

2007-03-12T05:39:00.000-05:00

... or we'll break your fuckin' balls already. You got that, asshole?
Now go watch this fuckin' video, before I shove that toupee up your lily-white ass.

In my haste to post, I neglected to thank (read: admit the source of my theft) The New Editor. (via Ace, of course.) There, Now are youse guys happy and shit?

...Where beer does flow and men chunder

2007-03-02T12:45:00.000-06:00

Well, I sat on my ass for a day too many, and Rachy goes and beats me to the punch about the Goracle's Grand Temple of Hypocracy... I've left my smart-assed comments on the matter over there. It's definately worth a look.

So while it may seem to the novice reader that I'm at a loss for a subject to post about (and thus provide proof of life to both of you reading this) I in fact had a second topic up my sleeve for just such an occasion. Ha! Take *that* you punks!

A week or so ago, I went for a bit of a drive, but when I popped in a my local Stop & Rob to fill up my tank, they were out of my usual Red Bull. So, I grabbed the first thing they had in the cooler... which was Amp. I put that shit back, since it's essentially Mountain Dew with half the water, which only means that it will make me twice as sick. The second thing they had in the cooler was a Coolah, which promised a "Refreshing lemon tang" and "Energy from Down Under."
After cracking it open, the first thing I noticed was that it didn't taste like your typical energy drink... which is to say: acid rain runoff. It actually tasted lemony. (Shocking, I know) Also, it kept me awake, and I didn't die in a firey car crash, so bonus points for that.

Anyway, according to the literature on the can, it's made by Cadbury Schweppes and is "inspired" (whatever the fuck that means) by some Aussie drink called Solo... but I'll be knackered if I can find much about it online. Even the Cadbury website doesn't list the damn thing, so hoo-rah for their Marketing Dept. eh? There is a decent write-up by some soda-reviewing site here, which pretty much says the same thing I do - "It's good. Why aren't you fuckwits marketing this properly?"
Now, given that this lameassed blog is relatively popular amongst the Emus & Roos crowd, I figured I'd let you guys do all my research for me. So I put it to you all: What's the deal with this "Solo" crap, everyone?

Ga-shibbidy-waffles-and-love

2007-02-15T02:38:00.000-06:00

As the Pet Shop Boys once said, Love comes quickly. So quickly, in fact, that if you lie down after lunch to take a quick nap, all of a sudden it's the middle of the night and your Valentine's Day post doesn't go up on your blog until the 15th. (OK, so I paraphrased a little there.)

Regardless, I apologize to you, dear Internets, for missing our special day together. I had wanted so much to be with you and share that time with you... I even had a poem for you. I hope you'll appreciate the semtiment, even if it is a little late.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
All my base
Are belong to you.

Happy Valumtimes Day, Internets. I hope that Cupid launched a Zig at you, for great justice... and great love.

Tunnel vision from the outsider’s screen

2007-02-12T02:38:00.000-06:00

What. The. Fuck.

SAN FRANCISCO - In a bizarre attack, a well-known author and Holocaust scholar was dragged out of a San Francisco hotel elevator by an apparent Holocaust denier who reportedly had been trailing him for weeks.

----

In a posting Tuesday on the anti-Zionist Web site ZioPedia, a writer using the name Eric Hunt takes credit for the attack: “After ensuring no women would be traumatized by what I had to do (I had been trailing Wiesel for weeks), I stopped the elevator at the sixth floor. I pulled Wiesel out of the elevator. I said I wanted to interview him.”

Wiesel grabbed at his chest and yelled for help, according to the posting. “I told him, ‘Why don’t you want people to know the truth?’ His expression changed, and he began screaming again. …” the posting reads.Police reported that the suspect tried to force Wiesel into one of the rooms, but ran away when Wiesel started yelling.

(Hat tip to the one and only Ace of Spades.)

This of course begs the question was this guy, "Eric Hunt," a Christofascist zombie godbag hatebot for being a far-right anti-semite that would accost an old man in an elevator and try to drag him off for an Abu Ghraib "interview," or was he a progressive icon worthy of his own Daily "Screw Them" Kos diary for daring to speak truth to the "New York money-men" in power, and challenging the "Holocaust mythos" like the left's bestest buddy Iranian President Amadenijihad?
Someone help me out, I just can't figure out who's the bad guy here...

Seriously, what the fuck? At least he didn't call Mr. Wiesel "Kenneth."

I heard the wind blow and it whispered your name

2007-02-05T02:38:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago, I wrote a little post about my work environment and how our ground-floor restrooms are the host organism for the gayest soap ever. Today, I learned that using the word "ever" was a bit presumptuous of me...

Technically, the soap I'll discuss today isn't gay so much as it's stupid. Very stupid, in fact. Just how stupid can this soap be, you ask... well try "peas" on for size. Yes, now that intoxicating aroma of peas - as in food that you eat - can now cling to your hands all bloody day long. Because, really, who doesn't want to go into an important meeting smelling of lunch? Who wouldn't want to have a prospective employer's first impression be "Hire me, I eat with my hands!" Who wouldn't want an important client to take their business elsewhere because your fragrant palms are screaming "I cannot grasp the concept of utensils!"

Perhaps this isn't the stupidest soap ever, but it's definitely in the top five. (between month-old bologna from a skunk's ass, and dead hobo) The kicker, however, is the little blurb at the bottom of the label that proclaims "Formulated with deodorizers to remove germs and odors from the hands."

Normally, I'm not in the business of giving out freebies... buuuuut next time maybe you should look into formulating your soap to remove the stink of peas, okay?

How long would I stay to see it all?

2007-02-01T05:38:00.000-06:00

Today is the most important day in my life. Without question, the events that have unfolded recently will have a lasting impact upon world events for generations to come. Stars will be born and die, spinning their existance away in the cold vacuum of space, and their time in the universe will have meant nothing when compared to the events of this day.
What can I possibly be talking about, that has such a profound effect upon humanity?

The DVD release of Gymkata, of course!

My God, if you haven't run out to your nearest electronics retailer and purchased this magnificient relic of the cinema, then your soul will surely be forefit upon Judgement Day... you poor, poor bastard. As for me, I'm off to spend two hours in the company of Kurt Thomas, and a village full of lunatics with pommel horse statues. If you need to reach me then too fucking bad, I'll be in Karabal, on the Caspian Sea.

Yak-MALLA, everyone!

Half way here they whisper

2007-01-22T02:38:00.000-06:00

I slept for at least 22 hours yesterday. The funny thing is that I'm still tired...

Believe me, it wasn't by choice that I caught all those Z's. I was knocked-on-my-ass sick, and confined to bed. If I even tried to raise my head, then I learned new definitions for pain. So when faced with at least an entire day filled with nothing, what else could I do?

I'm still pretty wobbly today... mostly from not eating anything since Saturday morning. All I felt confident in holding down this morning was a slice of toast. So, yeah, none of that is at all conducive to being able to carry on a conversation in English, much less in any other language.

This is a rather depressing post, isn't it? I wonder if it has anything to do with this? Perhaps...
So, in a desperate attempt to steer this post away from the cliff's edge, I'll give the Super Bowl a shout out. Da Bears vs. Peyton Manning and his underlings... not that I really care. My main focus this year is that it's been 22 years since the original Super Bowl Shuffle, and that's at least 21 years too long in my book.

See the man who can't pick out his own tie

2007-01-16T02:38:00.000-06:00

With Milk Day firmly in the past, the school year and the new year collide head-on in a furious combination of classrooms, students, and boring stories about Spiro Agnew. What I mean to say is that classes at Hammistan U. start once again today, and while I'm not going on another self-imposed fake hiatus, I'm not promising anything like the constant stream of posts that you're used to around here.

Also, Spiro Agnew is really fun to say. Go ahead, try it!

Disclaimer: I am not just being a poseur off of Rachy, who is clearly insane for tackling simultaneous advanced degrees in German, Hebrew, International Relations, 7th Century Metallurgy, Martian Romantic Literature, and other subjects to be included once they are invented. I'm just trying - however slowly - to finish my one degree, thankyouverymuch.

You know I'll keep on a beggin till you come back to me

2007-01-10T02:38:00.000-06:00

Just a quick one today, in case Sevi should just happen to stop by... as if that would have even an infinetsimal possbility of happening. But then, I love when fucked-up little synchronicities happen, so I'll do my part to encourage their occurance.

Anyway, I've just got two things to say about the Baseball Hall of Fame voting that took place yesterday.

Six assholes voted for Jose Canseco. Even though that's only 1.1% of the balloting, that's way too many votes for that syringe-slingin' whore.
Goose Gossage got screwed. Get his ass in the hall already, you nimrods.

And that's all I have to say about that... until like 2011, when Sevi finally stumbles across this post on a slow day at work. (Hi Sevi! I hope neither of us are dead by now)

Cathedrals, Castles, Making Up Rules

2007-01-09T02:38:00.000-06:00

Happy Old Year, everyone! Today, I'm going to be doing some serious retro-blogging.

As you know, I started blogging my musical listening habits last year. However, the appointed time for the second installment of my quarterly report fell during my hiatus. This of course was a serious problem because I was forcing myself to stay away from the blog until the semester was done with... and I almost caved because of it.
Anyway, the anal-retentive geek in me wouldn't let me just ignore the occasion, so I saved all the data I'd need to retro-blog the thing when my exile was done with... and here we are today. So without further ado, here's all the crap I listened to in the Third Quarter of the Oh-Six.

The song winning the coveted title of Most Played is none other than Iron Maiden's "Flash of the Blade," with 10 spins. Runner-up was Maiden's "Aces High" with 9.

This was the soundtrack of my spiral into frustration with school, and the playlist reflects it. It had a lot more metal and anger rock than usual. The psych majors might want to debate whether it was an effect of my mood, or the cause of it... but they're only allowed a 15 minute break before they have to get back to the register, so we don't have time to explore the subject fully.

The poor, poor bastards saddled with the scarlet "A" of Least Played are, in no particular order:

Van Halen – Jump (live)
The Go-Go’s - Head Over Heels
Strong Bad – Trogdor Theme

The FuckMan™ is guilty of crimes against humanity for steadfastly refusing to play each one of these songs. There's a little hole in my life where these songs should have been playing... and it will have to remain unfilled for all eternity. (or at least later in the week when I blog the Fourth Quarter's stats)

The completely ignored title of Median song is bestowed upon The Beatles "While my Guitar Gently Weeps," which earned 3 spins. But really, how many people truly understand the concept of a median, much less its usefulness?

The Newest Songs Added to the FuckMan's™ repetoire are all the product of the incomparable Jonathan Coulton. In the months since their addition, I have played them incessantly. Code Monkey in particular made a serious run at the top of the most recent quarter's charts.

Re: Your Brains
Chiron Beta Prime
Skullcrusher Mountain
Code Monkey
Dance, Soterios Johnson, Dance

The song with the Longest Absence from being allowed to reverberate among my inner ear is Strong Bad's "Trogdor Theme." As we have already discussed the felonious nature of this oversight, let's move on.

The song I had Most Recently listened to as I began compiling this list in late October was the third spin of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Callin In Sick." In this spirits, I'll also add that the song I Most Most Recently listened to (as I type this up in January) is the fourth spin of The J. Geils Band's "Love Stinks."

Well, that about wraps up this trip down memory lane. I hope you've enjoyed a glimpse into the autumn of my crappy semester... made glorious by this lameassed blog, I suppose. In any case, let's all give these little electrons a hug as they're sent out on the inter-webs.

And there's a hand my trusty fiere

2007-01-01T02:38:00.000-06:00

Well, another year looms large as 2006 wheezes its last gasps. While some would say good riddance to this asstard of years, I think it's getting a bit of a bad rap. So here's just a few of the high notes, in case you've forgotten them:

Booberry cereal was re-introduced, and subsequently devoured.
I wrote a three-page novella about a nasal zit
I met the Easter Bunny... maybe.
I started moving house. (I'm not sure if I've actually finished it, though)
Due to my innovative vote-whoring campaign, I placed in the top three of Big Blogger 2.
Two Words: IDF Hotties.
We all discovered Jonathan Coulton.
Did I mention the Hotties already?

While I'm on the subject of hotties, I scoured the intertron to find a picture of Dick Clark that was on par with the photo I used for my X-Mas post last week. Unfortunately my quest was doomed to failure. It seems Mr. Clark doesn't pose for those sorts of pictures... all the ones I found were full-frontal, and I just don't think anyone needs to see "America's oldest teenager." (if you know what I mean)

So you'll just have to make do with these last-minute replacements instead: (shamelessly stolen from the Jawa Report, btw)

Happy New Year, from me and mah bitches.

Oh you better watch out, you better not cry

2006-12-25T02:38:00.000-06:00

Hullo again everyone. Yeah, I'm still around... and this morning I'm pissing on everyone's holiday cheer. Because that's what I do.

Anyway, just be glad you didn't wake up to discover this under your tree:

And if you did... well, it brings a whole new meaning to that "Here Comes Santa Claus"song, doesn't it?

Some people use the front door, but that's never been my way

2006-12-18T02:38:00.000-06:00

In the lobby of the building I work in, the restrooms are kept pretty damn-near immaculate. It's a prestige thing, so that anyone who drops by to drain the lizard is impressed with the professionalism of the place, and how fucking classy we all are because we work here. (This impression, by the way, lasts precisely up to the point where they meet me.)
Now, I'm an ordinary guy. Middle-class upbringing - but I had parents who respected quality, so there were occasional touches of the best parts of life: (materially speaking, anyway) The few vacations we took were Quality vacations. My dad only bought top of the line tools. That sort of thing... so anyway, I can spot true quality that sticks out amongst things that merely pretend to be quality.

The company bathrooms have this situation in reverse. I dunno if the Virgin Mary would come down and take a dump there, but she'd probably stop by to wash her hands. Amidst all the otherworldly splendor and opulence are the gayest soap dispensers known to man. To reiterate, for those of you on dial-up:

Gayest. Soap. Ever.

Look, we get that it's supposed to look nice. Intimidating, even. You've succeeded beyond your wildest dreams... except for the part where you have a $6 pump-bottle of "White Tea & Aloe Vera" liquid soap with the TJ Maxx price tag still attached.

Seriously, it's like a cat turd in the Sistine Chapel.

Waves were rough but that ole ship kept sailing

2006-12-13T14:38:00.000-06:00

This just in from David Duke, and other "scholars" at the Iranian Holocaust Shindig:

"The Holocaust is the device used as the pillar of Zionist imperialism, Zionist aggression, Zionist terror and Zionist murder," Duke told The Associated Press.

Also the terrorist-loving president of Iran, who for simplicity's sake is known as Tom, is making headlines himself with such nuanced bon mots as:

"The Zionist regime will be wiped out soon the same way the Soviet Union was, and humanity will achieve freedom."

"By the grace of God, the arc of the Zionist regime's life has reversed and is heading downward. This is a divine promise and the public demand of all nations of the world," he said, bringing applause from the delegates.

What a dedicated scholar Tom is! How utterly committed to the discovery of truth and the pursuit of knowledge above all other concerns. Why, he even said so himself!

"Iran is your home and is the home of all freedom seekers of the world," Ahmadinejad said. "Here you can express your views and exchange opinions in a friendly, brotherly and free atmosphere."

Unless you wanted to, you know, express any of your views or opinions that just might happent to be critical of islam or the current Iranian regime. Try anything clever like that, and you'll be neck deep in sand enjoying a "friendly and brotherly" stoning.

Remember, nobody at the conference was anti-Semetic... they're merely anti-Israel.

In this world those golden rules may seem like they're made for fools

2006-12-11T02:38:00.000-06:00

A-hem. Is this thing on?

So... yeah. I suppose I could try and explain myself.
I needed a break - badly. Classes were kicking my ass, and all I wanted to do was blog about pointless crap - even if I wasn't actually producing any posts, regardless of their subject. Oh sure, I could have taken a "rest" from the blog but like a siren it would always be there calling out to me... However, if I quit? Well, that's another tomato, isn't it?

To quote John Sullivan Dwight:

"Rest is not quitting
The busy career,
Rest is the fitting
Of self to one’s sphere."

In retrospect, it was the right decision. Almost as soon as I said I was out, I thought of all kinds of things to post... but I held firm. That in itself is a challenge for me, even in minor things like battling nose-zits and the like. I did compromise by remaining an active poster and reader of my friends blogs... so it wasn't like I was truly gone. Most importantly, I put school first and did what I could to fit everything else around that. I'm sure you all understand.

Anyway, I'm back to blogging. And as fate would have it, I haven't got a damned thing to say. What I can do is promise you guys that I won't up and quit on you again. You wouldn't believe me, anyway.

It's good to be back.

Curse Sir Walter Raleigh

2006-09-26T02:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends:

I'm sorry about the lack of posts recently. I'm prone to doing this sort of thing from time to time, and I've always felt like a shitheel for up and vanishing from the 'sphere. I owe (both of) you guys more than that.

So, what's up with Stew? As I said last week, I had most of a "where are we, and where are we going" post in my head that didn't want to get put into words... because those words hurt to write. Instead, I forced myself to write a happy post, and convince myself that I had a good day. And it was a good day, don't get me wrong. Good... but not really "blogworthy." You all know what that's like, I'm sure.
In the back of my mind, I thought I would take some time to ease into putting all this down on "paper" and keep posting other stuff in the interim. So far, that plan has spectacularly failed. Everything I've tried to write has been utter shit. Most of it didn't even survive past the first sentence. I know I've always been this way about blogging - it's the primary reason I post so infrequently. There are easily five times as many "abandoned" posts I've started than ever made it to the frontpage of the blog. But this isn't writer's block I'm talking about.

So why can't I turn even one of my ideas into a couple paragraphs of hacked text for your reading pleasure? I dunno... I'm tired, I guess. I haven't gotten much sleep lately - or ever really. On a good night I get four hours; typically I get half that. I used to get really jazzed from the blog - revitalized, if you will. But now, well... there's only so far that R. Kelly and Russell Crowe jokes can take a guy.

That's why I'm going to hang it up. I'm giving up blogging... or at least giving up pretending to blog.

Don't get me wrong, I've always loved the communities of people I met through blogging. The Big Blogger cyberhousemates, Rachy and the ObsDeck Aussies, Di and her Blogateers - you guys have kept me laughing when I found very little to laugh about elsewhere. You're family, you are. Fucked-up and dysfunctional, no doubt - but family nonetheless. I'll still make the occasional lameass wisecrack in your various comment pages, but from now on I no longer "have" a blog. Consider this a page of links to places that you might find me reading.

Thank you all for your friendship through the last two (or more) years. Thanks for the support, the humor, and the boobies. Thanks for reading. (you poor, poor bastards, you) But mostly, thanks for the friendship. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a nap, mow my yard, and re-start Moby Dick.
Oh horseshit, who am I kidding? I should take two naps and let the rest of that crap slide for another week. Regardless...

Hugs,
Stew

Something is out there - I hear it!

2006-09-17T02:38:00.000-05:00

What I Did on My Blogoversary, a (shitty) essay by Stewed Hamm

Yesterday the 16th was, of course, my second blogoversary. Initially, I had planned a more retrospective post for this morning... sort of a "Where have we been, and where are we going" kind of thing. But who wants to read that pap? Seriously, that's why MySpace was invented... that and the proliferation of animated gifs.
Anyway, I realized as I was starting to write the post out, that I had a pretty good day today, so I'd rather just share that with my readers. (yes, all both of you)

So I started out by catching up on blog reading. I hadn't been over to Ace's in almost a week. (I'm such a hack at the AOS Lifestyle) After lunch, I watched Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail with some friends, rather than opting for the Hammistan U. football game. (Hammhocks won anyway)

Went to see my friend Frosty Jack's band. Asses, faces, and sox were thoroughly rocked. Unfortunately, one of the bandmembers chose to infect the show with his stupid-assed politics (something he typically does, but it's gotten increasingly idiotic as time progresses)
For most of the show, I sat with some friends, and tried to ignore the ignorant philosophy behind his "Anti Zionist" T-shirt that was rolling around in my head. Seriously, how one-sided and thoughtless does someone have to be to actually espouse the idea that a certain group of people should be denied the right of self-determination and exist by the good graces of the rest of the world who may or may not decide to start a pogrom upon them?
Then I realized that 1) I shouldn't let some art-school twit ruin a good metal show, and 2) I didn't pay a fucking cent to get in the door. Still, I couldn't in good conscience buy a T-shirt from them at the show, but I can probably corral one out of FJ later on.
I did decide that I'm definitely getting a shirt with the Israeli flag on it for their next show. If stickmonkey wants to start some shit over my eveningwear, I can hold my own.

The perfect topper to my evening was that my car didn't get towed from my "creative" parking space. I doubt I could ask for anything more.

Through the storm we reach the shore

2006-09-15T02:38:00.002-05:00

The blog was down this morning, I'm not sure for how long. I want to apologize to all the people who were trying to look for information about song lyrics or Kirsten Dunst's tits. Anyway, one "republish all" and we're back in business.

So as long as i'm here, I might as well put up an attempt at a real post, huh. I've been meaning to write a little about what I did on September 11th, but I'm not sure that it's at all interesting. Then again, it's not like anyone reads this thing...

September 11th was one of the toughest days I've had this year. I think it's mostly because I haven't really gotten over the attacks. It's not that I lost someone special, or knew someone... hell, I don't even like New York -- prior to the attacks I absolutely despised it. It's just a basic human reaction to something so evil, I suppose.
While I was content to spend the morning reading blog tributes, and looking through some of the memoriams at the 2996 project, a good friend dragged me out of the house and forced me to get out in public. Naturally, it was raining and grey - fitting weather for a somber morning. I moped around in Target and tried to pretend I were interested in looking for whatever it was we were there for... but I just couldn't make the effort.

If you're a mopey bastard like I am, then you're dwelling in the past and letting evil win the day. Defeat those inhuman fucks by going on with your life and refusing to submit. However, if you're cheerful and active, then you're callous or insensitive to the tragedy of that day and you have no soul. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

I bought a copy of United 93, though I know it's going to be a long time until i can actually watch it. Anyway, the symbolism made me feel better, and by the time I got home it was a sunny afternoon. I posted my flag at full staff to give islam a special "Fuck You" and went about my life.

Ladies and gents, we're still alive by the skin of our teeth

2006-09-10T02:38:00.000-05:00

For you and me, today is probably like most other days. We'll mark our religious observations, we'll watch a little football, and we'll think about the things we need to do tomorrow. This is where the left takes a dramatic turn from the rest of us, and wanders off into "reality-based" territory.

You see, for the left, tomorrow is also the time to flip back to the first page of their calendars and start the whole year over again. It's time to flip their calendars all the way back to September 10, 2001.
For the left, there's nothing special about tomorrow. For the left, the most pressing issue of the day is an argument about a movie that makes Clinton's legacy look bad. For the left, the biggest concerns are how to register more Democrat voters and if falling oil prices will hurt the effort to retake control of Congress in November. For the left, there are no islamic jihadis who will slay and be slain until shariah rules the world. For the left, tomorrow is another Monday...

For the rest of us, tomorrow is September 11th.

Don't ever forget what happened five years ago tomorrow. It wasn't the first jihadist attack against America, and it wasn't the last, but it should have clarified in an instant for every freedom-loving citizen of Western civilization exactly what we are fighting against. The fact that some of us didn't get that message speaks volumes.

I don't know if I'll be posting anything tomorrow, because life does in fact go on... but today is a good day to look at memoriams from the preceding four years and make plans for doing something to mark the anniversary. I do know that for me tomorrow isn't any other Monday. Tomorrow is -- first and foremost -- September 11th.

Don't forget what happened on that day. Don't ever forget.

Word up to my thick soul sisters

2006-09-06T02:38:00.000-05:00

Attention Ocrisians!

This man has singlehandedly re-written our national anthem. Mr. Coulton, while taking a break from writing songs about simian office romance, overly polite zombies, and Dr. Tom Cruise, has transformed our beloved paean to the beauty of womanhood into an even more lovelier version of itself.
It's like arriving to pick up your date for the prom, only to discover that her hot sister is tagging along as well.

Regardless of which version of our anthem you prefer, I can only hope that Cosmo ain't got nothin' to do with your selection. Peace out, y'all.

It's gonna be a bad day come Sunday

2006-09-03T02:38:00.000-05:00

OK, look. So I haven't posted anything in a while... and this whole month has been pretty sparse, at best. Frankly, this is just going to be how it is for a while. School is kicking my ass three ways until the weekend - seriously, I've got easily double my previous workload, thanks primarily to a wild-eyed Poli-Sci professor that's got us reading 40 or 50 pages a week on Mao Zedong while she tries OH SO HARD not to criticize his brutal fucking regime.
(Ironically, I was in the West Hammistan LieBerry today, strolling through the kids's section [because you practically have to if you want to visit the crappers] and there was a book on the Illustrious Leader with a big starburst inviting kids to "Judge For Yourself!" I didn't have the stomach (or bladder) to look through it, but how deep in self-bullshit do you have to be to start writing "But what about all the good things Mao did!" books?
Even the uber-socialist version of the Beatles wouldn't approve of carrying pictures of Chairman Mao...)

Anywhom, posts are going to be slight for a while, until I get acclimated to the increased workload. When I get a chance, I'll go back for "Purging Intellectuals, Collectivization Blues, and Other Mass Line Nursery Rhymes," just to see how bad it really is.

Who-who-who's moving much too fast, is it you?

2006-08-25T14:38:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: Today's post is only for the most sophisticated, urbane, cosmopolitan sort of blog reader.

Ha, like I'd ever post anything like that. Even I wouldn't be able to read it. Actually, this post is about quite possibly the red-neckiest thing I've seen all month. And I include each NASCAR event in that calculation - combined.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... the Hot Dog Martini.

I predict that it will become the Diva's beverage of choice just as soon as the wieners are thoroughly soaked. Salud, Everyone!

No need for nervousness, it's just a little turbulence.

2006-08-20T02:38:00.000-05:00

In the wake of the UK Skybomb plot, I think the Airline industry could use a little good news... which it just so happens, I've found - courtesy of (read: ripped off from) AP-jazeera.

PREK TOAL, Cambodia - Deep inside a flooded forest oozing with wildlife, Ly Vy pries another struggling creature from a gill net, whacks its head against the side of his skiff and adds it to a coiled heap that will add to the world's largest snake harvest. Buckets full of lifeless water snakes are tossed into algae-green pools and pits seething with crocodiles, which gulp them down in a few power-packed bites.
Some of the farm's 2,000 crocs fall back into their almost continual sleep with bits of snake still dangling from their clamped jaws.

HA! Like I was going to go anywhere else with that lede.

Ly Vy, who has been catching the nonpoisonous snakes for eight years, says there are far fewer these days, and worries both about future catches and possible government controls on the harvest. This year, he has been catching about half the number over last season, which peaks between June and September.
"During this season we can't catch a lot of fish so we try to catch a lot of snakes," the 26-year-old hunter says as he finishes the morning's inspection of his 437-yard net strung along a narrow water channel. "It's difficult to live in the forest, but we have no choice. The children can't go to school, medical help is far away and the food is poor," says his wife, Hol Hong, noting that snake is on their menu day after day.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm gettin' pretty tired of all these muthafuckin' snakes keeping muthafuckin' doctors and teachers away from these muthafuckin' planes... I mean, kids.
Sounds like Cambodia could use a few shotguns up in this bitch.

Where's the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?

2006-08-19T14:38:00.000-05:00

Been a busy week here in West Hammistan. Classes at Hammistan U. start up again on Monday, and while I haven't spent a month or two preparing like some folks... I bought a new Trapper Keeper, so I'm good to go.

Anyway, as sort of a follow-up to last week's post about heroic IDF hotties, I've found another large group of heroes. Truly, they're all Prometheuses to our sad little primitives shivering in the dark.
Check 'em out.

With any luck, you'll get a chance to buy one of 'em a beer.

Clutching honor, bearing pride

2006-08-12T14:38:00.000-05:00

As if there were any question why islamic fascism needs to be fought wherever it sprouts... come to think of it, the vast majority of the left needs just such an explanation. One that can break through all those nuanced layers of "truthiness" they love to wrap themselves in.

Very well then. Just for you fucksticks, here's plenty of good reasons why we should fight islam on every front:

That's right, you pinkoes! Smokin' hot IDF babes. Like I said before... as if you needed another reason. (They can be Zionist aggressors towards me any day.)

Say, Mark, you wouldn't happen to have a Vargas babe looking down the barrel of a '16, would you? I Didn't think so. Fortunately, the IDF is well-stocked.

These fine women, heroes and patriots all, can be found with scores of their lovely sisters-in-arms at IsrealMilitary.net

You're in my blood, I'm not a lonely man

2006-08-11T02:38:00.000-05:00

The Eternal Move: Supplemental

You all, no doubt, will recall my epic clusterfuck with the Cold War U-Haul and U-Hell outlets. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Hill-buy-illy Mom.

This explains everything. It's no frickin' wonder they didn't have any trucks for me. (H/T to the Jawas)

As if you've seen it all before you join the celebrated strife

2006-08-10T14:38:00.000-05:00

I've had a post cooking for a while now, that keeps getting put off due to graphics issues. S'what I get for trying to do a photo-post, I suppose. I've still got pics I promised to post from 18 months ago that have gone unfulfilled... so that's nothing new on my end.

Regardless, it seems asinine to be working on one of my typical lameassed posts when all the news is talking about today is the HUGE terror ring busted in England. So many other sites have already done the run-down for you, so I'm not going to bother duplicating their coverage.
Ace o' Spades liveblogged it.
Michelle Malkin ties in the dumbassed BBC "comedy" show from last week.
Allah has the evening update from UK papers. Scroll down a couple quotes and tell me again how brave and patriotic the NYT is for blowing the lids off all those secret terrorist-tracking programs.

The only thing I have to add is this: Remember after the Madrid train bombings (and a smaller echo of this after the London Tube bombing as well) we were treated to all the talking heads and "experts" telling us "Oh, they'd never try using planes again. It's way too obvious now."
Yeah, well that's what listening to "experts" will get you. The jihadis will use any tactic that works for them, and the most successful so far is coordinated attacks using multiple US airlines. The dirkas² aren't one-trick ponies here... otherwise you'd hear the "experts" telling us "Oh they'd never try car bombs or suicide belts again. It's waay to obvious now."

Fuck "experts." They're are the same asshats who abjectly refuse to name islam itself as the problem. Instead, they keep trying to pass off the "tiny minority of extremists who have hijacked a noble religion" sham. After the Jewish Federation shooting in Seattle earlier this month and now this, I'm just about out of paitence for the opinions of so-called "experts."