Monday, October 26, 2009

I'm trying not to try too hard

Thirty. Minutes. Remaining.

I'm not going to do
A haiku for Kevin Brauch
or allllllll the judges.

(or did I just do that anyway?)

Alton Brown
Hare from the hat of
The Nerd Circus Ringmaster
Yet his hair recedes.

Michael Symon
The bane of all swine
Chops, Hocks, Ribs, Cheeks, Feet, BACON
New kid on the block

Michael Symon (Alternate Version)
Pork Pork Pork Pork Pork
Bacon Pork Pork Bacon Pork
Bacon Bacon Pork

The Chairman!
Icy glare, piercing souls
Moving at the speed of sound
Thank you for your meal

So there you have it, Blog-merica. My Iron Chef America tribute. And while it may not score the full 15 points for plating, it did give you something to do for five minutes or so... so win-win, right?

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Sunday, October 18, 2009

My head, my head won't rely

I don't know about you, but I think I've been watching a bit too much Food Network. You see, the time has come once again to answer that age-old question: Who's been up too late watching re-runs?

This is: Iron. Blog. Hammistan!

A delectable Japanese tradition has taken root in Hammistani soil. We have been graced with our very own Blogging Stadium, where our lethargic and twisted Chairman has brought together the pungent flavors of Lame Humor and The 1980s. It is here, where the best of the only from around my living room meet and fact the ultimate challenge - the challenge of thinking of something to post.

We shall see if I, whom usually blogs from the comfort of my sofa can you face the torment of Blogging Stadium. Thus, let the battle BEGIN! But there is one more ingredient to this battle... our secret ingredient. The Theme on which our Iron Blogger will offer his succulent variations. Today's secret ingredient is...


er... I mean,


So now, Hammistan, with an open heart bypass, and a stomach full of limes, green soda, and God knows what else, I say unto you in something resembling the words of The Chairman: Allez Griffonner!

Mario Batali
Rolling out noodles
With orange Crocs and an orange beard
Dances with tuna

Cat Cora
Empress of Fusion
Magic with disp'rate flavors
Ouzo shots all around

Masaharu Morimoto
Our elder statesman
Knives fly and sushi is rolled
Gagged by voiceover

Bobby Flay
A smarmy jackass
Puts blue corn in everything
America's Iron Cook

(Not so fond of the Flay, am I?)

So as not to completely blow my wad on one gi-normous post, I'll save the rest of the Iron Haiku competition for later on this week. That way, I can loaf off for a couple days without feeling like a lazy sack of crap for neglecting the blog. You guys should be thankful that I'm so considerate, ya know.

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Friday, October 09, 2009

I wanna situation, but don't wanna stop

I discovered the Twitter hash tags #imaletyoufinish and #nobelol this morning. I don't really remember anything after that until sunset...
After today, I'm going to Vegas. I think by the time I get there, they'll have an "Obama" space on the roulette wheel.

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