Sunday, April 30, 2006

Off in my prime it's all about timing

Man, I wish I had caught this in time for Earth Day. Alas, I was celebrating a friend's birthday, and this just popped across my radar (h/t to Cox & Forkum, who put me on the trail) tonight. It's full of the dire warnings of the imminent doom of all life on our fragile little teacup of a planet that we've come to associate with the environmental left and ED in particular. Here's a sampler: (courtesy of Reason Magazine)

"We have about five more years at the outside to do something," ecologist Kenneth Watt declared to a Swarthmore College audience. Harvard biologist George Wald estimated that "civilization will end within 15 or 30 years unless immediate action is taken against problems facing mankind." "We are in an environmental crisis which threatens the survival of this nation, and of the world as a suitable place of human habitation," wrote Washington University biologist Barry Commoner in the Earth Day issue of the scholarly journal Environment.

"Population will inevitably and completely outstrip whatever small increases in food supplies we make," Stanford University biologist Paul Ehrlich confidently declared in an interview with radical journalist Peter Collier in Mademoiselle. "The death rate will increase until at least 100-200 million people per year will be starving to death during the next ten years."

If you're familiar at all with those names, you already know where I'm going with this. Those folks received a metric fuckton of press from the MSM when they were disseminating their crackpot eco-tastrophy propaganda... What's that you say, you missed this news-gasm? Well, I assure you, these icons of the environmental movement were splashed all over the news when they made those predictions - in 1970, on the first Earth Day. Moreover, this article is from 2000, meaning we've had an extra six years to prove these Cassandras right.
In case you missed the news flash, we're not facing catastrophic starvation. Civilization hasn't ended either... at least not in the sense Mr. Watt spoke of.

How did these ostensibly bright people colossally miss the mark on their predictions? Well, for one, Miss Cleo wasn't around to lend them a hand. Mostly though, they made did all their pontificating statically, meaning they didn't allow for the phenomenal economic and technological changes mankind is capable of. They also didn't consider that the earth is a self-regulating system. If earth wasn't able to rebound from catastrophic changes, it never would have recovered from the meteor strike that clipped the dinosaurs. It never would have recovered from any of the many ice ages. It definitely wouldn't have recovered from my trip to Taco Cabana last summer.
Yet all of a sudden, a bunch of Ford Explorers are going to drag our planet into a dark alley and make off with its lunch money? I don't buy it. Let's hear once more from the "experts" about the worldwide hunger problem we're barely struggling through...

"It is already too late to avoid mass starvation," declared Denis Hayes, the chief organizer for Earth Day, in the Spring 1970 issue of The Living Wilderness. In that same issue, Peter Gunter, a professor at North Texas State University, wrote, "Demographers agree almost unanimously on the following grim timetable: by 1975 widespread famines will begin in India; these will spread by 1990 to include all of India, Pakistan, China and the Near East, Africa. By the year 2000, or conceivably sooner, South and Central America will exist under famine conditions....By the year 2000, thirty years from now, the entire world, with the exception of Western Europe, North America, and Australia, will be in famine" (emphasis in original).

Come to think of it, I am a bit peckish. I'mma make a border run folks; somewhere out there is a Chilito with my name on it.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Here's To Your Thin Red Line

Until the government starts distributing manuals on how to sneak into Canada, this comic book provided by the Mexican government will have to do. It should be good prepatory reading for the May Day riots protests.


Insta-Update: Hey, these May 1st demonstrations are supposed to happen all over the place. I wonder if anyone's bothered to let the ICE guys know this is happening? I'll bet there will be, like, fucking truckloads of illegals there!
I drive a Camry, so I can take 3 extra people if some agents need a ride...

Friday, April 28, 2006

Big Blogger 2, Task #1

Upon arrival at the House of Blog, I was all set to unveil my ingenious all-purpose cleaner upon the world, when I saw Cazzie!!! in the front room, furiously scrubbing away at the piss-stained hallway, courtesy of passing vagrants. I must say I'm terribly impressed with her sense of irony, as it seems her cleanser's main ingredient is urine.

Nonetheless, I was crestfallen (that's a swanky word, don't you think?) that my cleaning product would not grace the spotlight, and would in fact be gracing the dumpster out back. Moving on to my entirely appropriate Plan B, I began stocking the pantry with boxes and boxes of Scorn Flakes.

That's right folks, Scorn Flakes, the "Breakfast of Participants!" Chock full of wholesome grains of some kind... and maybe nuts or something... Scorn Flakes have all the vitamins and things that underachieving also-rans like yourselves need to fuel their self-loathing and angst.

Let's face it everyone, only one person will be taking home that shiny blue ribbon, and odds are it won't be you. So while you sit in the back row making snarky comments with your hippie friends, why not fill up on some Scorn Flakes? Lord knows they taste better than the bile you're trying hard to choke back.

Why Scorn Flakes, you ask? As we all know, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, with 3 AM trips to Taco Bell coming in a close second. If the breakfast of participants isn't good enough for a house full of people participating in a contest, I don't know what is.
And also, there's no way in hell I'm eating Vegemite.

The rest of the usual suspects:
The Rachy
Hillbilly Mom

Monday, April 24, 2006

Take a look in the mirror and see the clown in yourself

I have a confession to make... one you're not going to like hearing, but one that nonetheless must be made.

I'm guilty of violating my Zen Blogging philosophy.

Last month, before I resumed posting at what passes for full-time around here, I had the penultimate weirdass serach string pop up on StatCounter... and I let it slide. I know you all depend on me for search strings that are about half as twisted as the ones Rachy gets, and I let you down... can you see it in your hearts to forgive me?

Howabout if I tell you I've gotten around 25 hits for variations of nostril zits since I posted my magnum opus on the battle of the beak?

How about if I tell you the stort of the poor lost soul who hit upon Hammistan when searching for "self improvement." I hope he made it out of here alive.

Still no dice, I see. Well, as usual, I get plenty of snot searches. Mostly orange, occasionally white... but this week I had a "black snot chunks" string show up. Congratulations for taking one step further down the spiral there, guys. You roxors.

Just not good enough, eh? Very well, let's cut right to the chase then... the aforementioned uber string was "elf pus mirrors." No, I have no fucking clue what it is either. (other than an excuse to whip out some Mr. Bungle lyrics)

Finally, you all deserve to know just what inspired my return to the straight and narrow. What it was that reminded me of the debt I owed to Zen Blogging, regardless of my desire to pay it... It was a search for "sickass sentences" - from Google Australia, of all places. If you Roo-rooting Spazzes need my help finding exceedingly twisted internet crap, then by all means I'm willing to step up to the plate. (by the way, if you really need me to warn you that the following links aren't for the faint of heart, then you're fucking stupid.)
To Wit: (with hugs and kisses to the staff of
Spread the Love
Atkins Approved
Which Way Did They Go?
Let The Children Come Unto Me
Jihad Is A Blast!
and finally, if you really must, though I don't reccomend it...
Tastes Like Chicken

There, that should definitely increase my readership... because people love horrifying images they can't get out of their heads. And vomiting, too! People definitely love vomiting.

Previous Search String Inanity:
It Snot Me, It's Inertia
Eleven Psychotic Search Strings
Listen up you primitive screwheads: this is my GOOGLE!
Zen Blogging
Misspelling Bee
Boobies for the Frog Brothers
Phlegm Redux
The Mystery of Soul Bitches

Thursday, April 20, 2006

And maybe he sings off key, but thats alright by me

Well, I had a good thing going there for a few days. I made three whole posts in a row before the whole thing fell apart.

To make a short story long, in my particular building at Hammhock University, the computer lab is on the first floor. (technically a basement since it's below ground level) My monday afternoon class, however, is on the fourth floor.
So I was in the computer lab, poking about the web looking for the subject of my next post, when I realized that I was going to be late for class if I didn't get there in the next minute. (give or take a few seconds) Now, I've written before on my inability to take stairs one at a time, (a compulsion that serves me well in instances like this) so with an uncontrollable urge like that, you can imagine that sooner or later I was bound to trip and fall on my ass at least once.

You can see where I'm going here.

The force was with me though, and instead of face-planting on the concrete staircase and ruining my teeth, face, and future senatorial (or auto sales) career, I managed to catch myself by grabbing the handrail. Sadly, I dislocated my pinky finger in the process.
Luckily, there wasn't too much pain - though I did have a tough time struggling through class while stealing sidelong glances at the bruise developing on my hand. At the same time, I couldn't understand why my finger wouldn't pop back into its usual configuration. I'd tug on it between hastily scribbled notes about Power-Point slides, but in less than a minute it had jammed itself back to where it shouldn't be.
I begged off my Tuesday class because the pain hadn't left, and I couldn't go through 90 minutes of playing "Pull My Finger" while pretending to pay attention to my Prof. My self-improvement program had already taken a hit, and I was starting to fear for my soul. Blogging, of course, was right out of the question... except for slowly pecked-out smartass comments here and there on my blogroll. (Cuz I lurve youse guys that much)

Anyway, at work tonight I was hauling on my digit like a monkey on crack but the relief I sought wasn't coming anymore. I started sweating over what could be wrong with my hand... a torn ligament maybe? Did i have a tendon caught on something? Fuck, did I break a socket bone and the fucking thing would never set right?? Here I am, a scant three days into my injury, and pulling on my pinky to numb the pain had already become a subconscious habit - almost an addiction if you will.
Obviously, I didn't pay too close attention to what I was doing, and in my stress was distracted by a customer. Without realizing it, I accidentally started yanking on my ring finger. After an audibly loud *POP* that turned a couple heads of people standing next to me, a sweet river of bliss washed over the back of my hand. Turns out I had dislocated two fingers, and the one prevented the other from settling properly into place.

Anyway, it beats the hell out of surgery on my writing hand. Plus, I get to write another windbag post making a mountain out of my strange little molehill medical problem.
Are you guys lucky or what?

Previous Medical Misadventures:
In Through the Out Door

Monday, April 17, 2006

I make my living off the evening news

Here's a fuckin news flash for you:

Gwyneth Paltrow — she's not just like us!

I’ve tried to like Gwyneth Paltrow. Really, I have.

When I first heard news of baby Moses, I didn’t scoff or criticize. I struggled to remember the good times. I tried to remind myself of her many likable qualities.

Thanks a lot there MSNBC - that is professional journalism at its finest. You really dug deep to find the "real story," as they say. My favorite part was where right underneath your headline story about how Gwyneth isn't the person that all the celebrity hype machines claim her to be... you listed a bunch of links to celebrity hype machines. Verra classy.

What's next down the pipe, guys?
"Rock Hudson was gay!" Plus a link to Fred Phelps's website?
"Michael Jackson is crazy!" Plus links to NAMBLA?
"Koalas aren't bears!" Plus an in-depth bio of Fozzie?

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Scoopin up the field mice and bopping them on the head

Happy Easter to all my Christian friends, as well as a continued joyous and meaningful Pesach to The Tribe.

As I rolled into work this morning, there was a rabbit sitting on the lawn at the base of a tree. Strangely, he wasn't very far at all from the parking area - maybe 15 feet away from the few cars in the lot. He didn't spook when I drove up, just looked at me for a sec, then continued about his business by the tree. After a minute of me watching him, he hopped off across the lawn.

I guess he wasn't too keen on me learning any tricks of the trade.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

There's always something happening and it's usually quite loud

I've been mulling over this question for a few days now, ever since the announcement popped up on Rachy's site. As of this morning, I still haven't come to a decision so I put it to you, dear reader: (sic) Should I sign up for Big Blogger 2?

I can see pros and cons with the whole thing, and will likely either be forced to duck out after a rather short stay... assuming I don't get the boot. But on the whole, I'm inclined to give it a go out of respect for the first iteration of the Big Blogger project. Big Blogger introduced me to quite a number of interesting blogs, Deadpan Ann and the Nation of Beklakia, to name a few.
On the other hand I've tried my hand at a daily blogging project before, and demonstrated my woeful inability to keep up. Plus, would it be considered rude of me to possibly crowd out another worthier entrant because of my half-assed blogging ethic?

So let's hear it, my homies. What do you recommend?

Sunday, April 09, 2006

They be callin on my job, Im gettin letters in the mail

If you cast your gaze leftwards and a bit southerly, you'll notice that Deadpan Ann has been added to my short list of links. I've been a reader of hers for at least a year now, and it's far past time I did her the courtesy.

Credit where it's due, Miz Ann. Keep up the good work!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Since you’ve gone I been lost without a trace

If you read Michelle Malkin's blog daily, like you should, you'll know she was recently the recipient of a cheap shot to her her integrity. A pissant lefty blogger has been attempting to smear her for a while now with claims that she doesn't write all of the posts attributed to her. The other day he sank to tracking Michelle's physical movements and trying to correlate them with her blog posts.

As many others have said, it's creepy and pathetic. This sort of this is also precisely why I forge the timestamps on all my posts. (Sorry to shatter your illusions there, dear reader)
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say I'm in the same league as Michelle Malkin, or any other blogger... I'm under no illusions here. However, I've been known to make the controversial post or two, and if the past year's events are any indication, I'll make plenty more of them in the future.
The last damn thing I need is someone picketing my lawn or emailing me death threats because I said something about their pet issue.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Knockin on Heaven's Door

I get readers from all political stripes in here, since orange snot is a malady that knows no party affiliation. Therefore, I'm sure you guys will fall on both/neither/huh? sides of the current debate on immigration and open borders, but this should make you stand up and take notice. From Newsmax:

FBI Director Robert Mueller said this week that his agency busted a smuggling ring organized by the terrorist group Hezbollah that had operatives cross the Mexican border to carry out possible terrorist attacks inside the U.S.

"A confirmed al-Qaida terrorist, an Iraqi national, was held in the Brewster County jail," Rep. [John] Culberson [R-TX] told ABC Radio host Sean Hannity. "He was captured in Mexico. This was within the last six weeks. He was turned over to the FBI."
Don't let anyone tell you that immigration isn't a security issue. Hezbollah isn't sneaking across the border to pick lettuce and sling enchiritos... at least that's not what they do when they sneak across another border I can think of.

Unce, Tice, Fee Times A Mady

Fresh off his successful(?) gender-reassignment surgery, International Pop-Star Buckwheat has been arrested for trying to jump-start his/her acting career with a dead-on Zsa-Zsa Gabor impression.
Mr/s. Wheat was just going about his/her business in the nation's capital Wednesday, when The Man couldn't help but notice his/her unrepentant blackness, a crime especially frowned upon in Whitey's halls of power. Never one to back down from a challenge, Mr/s. Wheat got loud up in there, and gave Whitey a five-fingered dose of Truth™ in his lily-white face.

It looks like Buck(ette) is facing some stiff charges, though it's what we expected for such an in yo' face delivery of Message. Ace has the the 411 on the down-low, my nizzles. What are the odds they read his/her rights in fluffy whitey-talk... din't even give a brotha/sista the courtesy to tell him/her "You under arrest, sugah."

Peace out.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

I'm the second before the crash

Exhibit #413789 in the continuing saga of why I should never predict sports outcomes: The 2006 Final Four. While the Patriots' run through the tournament would have made a great Disney movie on its own merits, it would have shattered all box office records if only that "Air Bud" dog was available.
Ah well. Perhaps LSU will advance as well, and we'll get an all-SEC final. How many "professional" sports commentor guys are eating their words after consistantly ignoring the southern conferences all season in favor of oh, say, the ACC? (read: constantly blow Duke & UNC, and if there's time, everyone else can line up for a handjob)

Nah, I'm not bitter or anything. Peace out, mah homies.